Sick of Patronizing Talk

(If mods feel this is appropriate elsewhere, feel free to move the topic).

I get so sick of people talking in patronizing terms about my lack of sex. I get a lot of "sex isn't all that it's cracked up to be" or "there's nothing wrong with you." Okay, if that's the case, why do I wish that I go to sleep and never wake up again?Why do I feel like that I will never have any sex, and thus I feel I want to end my life? Why does the pain and stigma of virginity grow exponentially every day I go without sex if it's that meaningless? Why I am I regarded as one of the lowest forms of species on earth?

Stop condescending and be honest with me. Call me a f----t to my face, I'll respect it even more that you're honest. Put it out for the world to see, and to make sure I never get any

Honestly I don't think whoever is doing that is trying to be condescending. It sounds as though you may have elevated the importance of losing one's virginity into a life defining moment, so what those people were probably trying to say is that losing it isn't as big of an event in life as that.

The first of anything is memorable. The first beer, first kiss, first fistfight, first date, etc, but a person's life or who they are doesn't change just because they drank a beer, or kissed someone, or got in a fight. Similarly, the first time someone has sex they aren't going to be ushered into a different world. Most likely they would think "That was it?" because it's been turned into such a massive rite in Western culture that the reality cannot possibly live up to those expectations.

I don't think those people were saying you don't feel about it the way you do, or that they were attempting to diminish or disregard those feelings. They're just trying to put it in perspective as individuals who have had it, and so know it's not as life-defining as you seem to be thinking it will be. The person you are now is the person you will still be after losing your virginity. Speaking as an observer who has watched people go through the dating process, into marriage, then into the parental role, what changes you is not the act of sex. It is the act of sharing something with someone. Of choosing to dedicate your life to working alongside someone, rather than moving through life alone. That choice can be made totally absent of sex.

Let me just ask you this then: why is someone like me who direly wants it but has never had it being totally stigmatized as a disease-carrying parasite? If it's not so important, why are people like me treated as black sheep?

Well... no one knows you're a virgin unless you tell them... so individually you aren't being stigmatized. Unfortunately being a virgin does seem to get looked down on due mostly to the way that the media and society have decided to go.

But I've never seen or heard of anyone treating virgins like disease-carrying parasites.. or anything at all. The worst might be considering someone a bit lame or like a loser... which are rather childish insults!

It sounds like people in your life have been trying to make you feel better about the fact that you're a virgin. You clearly don't appreciate the well-wishes (there are definitely times where I don't either!!!), but it doesn't sound like they are saying anything to intentionally upset you. Have you told those people that you feel suicidal because you haven't had sex?

If you feel like you want to die because you are still a virgin.. well... there's a few things you could do. You could try to talk to a therapist because that is really a huge topic that you need help with... or you could always go and find a prostitute. Or go to lots of bars and keep propositioning people and eventually someone will be up for going home with you. But if your self-worth is determined by whether or not you're a virgin... then go with the prostitute, become a non-virgin, and then please maybe find a therapist to help you work through why that is where you base your self-worth? It isn't fair to yourself to be stuck feeling like that!

I will be seeing a sex therapist next month (my work schedule is kind of tight now). And I know in my worst moments I get so overwhelmed by the pain that I can't see compliments. I'm sorry if I come across as ungrateful at times, but I think the problem is the fact that the combination of my age and gender with my situation make understanding my pain almost impossible.

And as I've stated before, I have been ripped off by escorts/prostitutes and thus have no trust in them whatsoever.

I've never seen your posts before so I had no way to know about the escorts/prositutes. Escorts aren't for sexual acts as far as I know...

And congrats on being brave enough to see a sex therapist! I'm proud of you, that is a great step towards helping yourself!

I'm not entirely convinced that your feelings regarding your virginity- or even your interpretation of other's comments regarding it- are necessarily the real issue.

They may actually be a symptom. Of what, I couldn't say.

I don't blame you for feeling patronized. In my experience good sex is amazing! I certainly don't think you need to be at all ashamed for being a virgin, but maybe the people who are saying those things to you have never enjoyed sex?

Try being an obese black kid who is being bussed to a public school in an affluent town. Most of your classmates are skinny White and Asian kids wearing A&F, but you aren't because, for one, your family cannot afford it, and, for another, A&F does not produce clothes in your size.

See the difference? Your virginity is invisible.

I think the perspective of your virginhood is your perspective, not any real existing stigma.

In fact virginhood is considered a good thing in some circles.

When I was 20 I sold my virginity for a cone. Sure, there were other more complex emotions involved but for the most part I just wanted to get stoned.

I want to say losing your virginity is no big deal but I also have to say I feel like a total twat when the subject comes up. It's not something that's particularly pleasant to admit.

I believe that you are putting more pressure on yourself than is necessary. Most of the world probably couldn't care less but you keep building it up and making it worse on yourself.

Sure first times are rarely that great but in the end wouldn't it be better to have some sort of sentimental value rather than throwing it away just to get rid of it?

I get this all the time. "Relationships aren't that great". "Don't worry about sex". "It's all hype". "Boys suck. Don't bother with them". It is so annoying because if you really think that, how about you dump your partner and live alone in celibacy? If relationships aren't great then why the hell do anyone want to get into them?

But to be honest, I don't think that people saying patronizing things is the reason why being a virgin is difficult. Being a virgin at an older age or just losing it or having a relationship later in life is hard because you watch everyone pair off without you. It's like this thing that you can notice everyone else has but for some reason, not you and you don't know why it's never your turn. After a while, you feel like you've been alive X amount of years and no one has been interested in you in all of that time and because of that, you have no value. The fact that the media mocks virgins doesn't help this pre-existing belief.

No the patronizing comments aren't what makes being a virgin my age so difficult. It's walking around and betting 100% of the people my age have had sex at least once and that I MUST have problems and am truly useless. Even if someone really wants a relationship, how the hell does someone my age not have had sex at least once if they aren't a degenerate or some sort of little boy

I'm just fed up. I don't give two craps about sentimentality, I need to be de-stigmatized as a f----t by just having it once.

its a matter of perspective you view your self as unworthy or have no value more than others do so here is a perspective changing idea try this create a profile on a free online dating site don't use your real name and choose some random out of state location put up some real pictures and fill out the profile leave out that your a virgin and wait for the responses it will build your confidence if complete strangers think your attractive and you will know its isn't patronizing and that it is true cause they don't know you this may help change your perspective on yourself help you see your not some freak and just like everyone else if you let yourself be and if your comfortable about yourself later create a real profile locally get some dates

I've done that on no-strings-attached dating sites. I say nothing about virginity, and I do get responses, which flatter me

Here's the rub: when I get asked specific questions about sex, I can't answer specifically because I don't know. That alone seems a tip-off, let alone the anxiety I feel when I kiss someone...multiply that by 1 quadrillion if I ever get to sex, and I will be exposed quicker than a suspect in a cop movie.

you know then you have value women do find you attractive work on self improvement like social skills by having women who are just your friend so you can work on talking with them some of your anxiety will lesson if you can easily talk to them work on being comfortable being alone most of what you are feeling is more out of fear of being alone rather then sex realize your a complete person by yourself you will seem less clingy/needy that way and the most important thing is don't give up keep trying evan if its just self improvement it will help immensely with your emotional needs