[djlmt]

I am looking for a way to not be sexually attracted to my wife as she does not/can not have sex anymore. She fell 2 years ago and injured her hip and knee and now having sex is to painful for her. We once had a great sex life in fact we were swingers when we met but she has decided that we no longer are the last time we were intimate was 7 months ago and I don't see anything changing anytime soon. Any suggestions?

[Phreak]

Whole leg amputation could resolve her pain?

[djlmt]

I guess your right and me stepping in front of a city bus would also solve the problem. Thanks for the help.

[BDPpartner]

Is it just the pain stopping her or could it also be a psychology think as well ? Perhaps couples therapy would help both of you come to an agreement about physical relations

[~Christina]

I second the couples therapy would be helpful.

I hope your able to find ways to please eachother .

[SnakeCharmer]

An understanding gynecologist or nurse practitioner specializing in female issues may be able to work with a physical therapist to design a rehab program that would allow your wife to once again enjoy sexual activity. A referral from your family doctor might be the place to start.

You and your wife might not be able to enjoy the same level of activity as in the past, but there is expert help available to aid severely injured people once again learn how to enjoy sex. A patient and understanding partner is essential.

In the meantime, Christina and BDPpartner have made good suggestions.

There are many ways for couples to pleasure each other, not all of them involving conventional activity. I speak from experience, having suffered devastating injuries that took a long time to heal. It took a good sense of humor and a lack of inhibition on the part of both myself and my husband for us to find ways of finding pleasure that did not hurt me. If you can't think of these things yourself, a couples counselor specializing in sexual issues could be of tremendous help.

If none of that is possible in your situation, it is possible to repress sexual interest in several ways. Enforce modesty so visual arousal does not occur. Tire yourself out with hard work and physical exercise. Remove sexually suggestive material from your environment, such as magazines with pictures of beautiful scantily glad women. Find hobbies and interests that will keep you occupied after work hours. Have non-sexual reading material available to keep your mind occupied when your body is too tired to keep working. Don't listen to romantic music or watch movies that remind you of the days when you and wife were sexually active.

When the urge is upon you and cannot be denied, it's all right to self-pleasure, either privately or in the company of your wife. If your wife is open-minded and good humored, she may consent to you snuggling up to her while you self-pleasure onto her body. She may be able to touch you in ways that heighten your pleasure while you do the work of bringing yourself to climax. This would be a shared sexual experience that did not involve exacerbating her injuries.

In time, you might be able to pleasure her orally or manually as she lays still. All of these things are possibilities. If she is in so much pain or so depressed or so medicated that none of this seems the least bit inviting to her, then definitely seek the help of a marital counselor.

You sound like a man who cares for his wife very much. I hope her injuries will eventually improve to the point the two of you can find pleasure with each other -- perhaps in new ways.

When my body was a heap of pain and broken bits the loving touch of my husband helped speed me toward recovery. It was different than our past endeavors, but that intimate connection was very good for my mental health and it helped me feel like a whole person. He was patient, good-humored and endlessly inventive even when I wasn't.

If none of this seems workable to you, start exhausting yourself physically and keeping your mind occupied with things that interest you. Many healthy men on the youngish side of life find their sex drive diminishes tremendously when they work long hours and keep their minds on business. If your job is not demanding, it's possible to exhaust yourself at the gym or by jogging. Volunteer work with elders can give your life meaning and also tire you out. Clean the house, mow the grass, plant a garden, paint the walls. It really is possible to be too tired to think about sex. If you engage in health boosting and important work, it can also be good for your entire system.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Myotherlife]

This may revolve around your (and her) definition of sex. Years ago my wife told me that she didn't want to have intercourse anymore because a) she didn't enjoy it and b) wasn't having orgasms, and c) it was painful. In truth, I wasn't enjoying it much myself, because her vagina had never recovered following childbirth. My good right hand gave me better organisms than intercourse did.

Skip forward several years: We have sex every 10 days or so (I have a higher libido, so I masturbate in between times), and both of usually have powerful orgasms, and love the touching and stroking and kissing and....

If more couples could accept that sex does not equal vaginal penetration, but can involve a whole lot else, there probably would be fewer complaints about non-compliance spouses.

Other

[djlmt]

I fully understand that there is more to sex than intercourse but here is my issue and I am sure youll tell me it's my fault and something I need to just ger over it or go away and stop wasting your time. My last marriage was much like this one both after a couple of years wound up being sexless so I have to assume the problem must be me but I will NEVER ask for sex again it either winds up in rejection which feeds the depression or she says yes and it will be a painful act that I will not put somebody through again.

[Myotherlife]

I'm not blaming you! You're blaming yourself, apparently. But since neither you nor your wife are willing to talk about it, you're not likely to come to any resolution. I do understand that you feel like not asking for sex because of potential rejection and/or discomfort for your wife, but that's an excuse, not an answer. I've been in a similar situation myself. You wouldn't have written if you weren't bothered by the current state of affairs. There is no way for you not to be sexually attracted to your wife unless you fall out of love (whatever that is) and end the marriage, or decide to try communication to unstick the log jam. Our need for sex is no less basic than the need for food and air, unless you are some sort of of super human who is above basic biological needs. It's not going away, so you've got to choose another road.

Other

[Odee]

Is oral sex out of the question?

[bebop]

I understand the issue. My soon to be ex husband stopped making love to me 2 yrs ago. I am the one in pain and still have strong desires. Him I have no idea what happened. I tried to turn off those feelings but was unable to do that. I wish you the best in trying to figure that out. I really do feel your pain.