He thinks about other women during sex

Since my current partner and I started dating a few months ago, I have been having some trust and insecurity issues that have really taken a toll on our relationship. I've been in a handful of relationships (mostly long term) and was cheated on in every single one of them. Because of this, I'm really unsure if the feelings that I am feeling are legit or if I am overreacting and need to calm down. After all, we are all human and although we would like that picture perfect fairy tale, we often have to learn to settle for less. Rather than get too far into all of the issues I have been feeling/having towards him. I will keep it down to the current one which is a sexual issue intended for this forum. A few nights ago in a random discussion he told me he sometimes imagines other women during sex. Before me he was a virgin and frequented strip joints. He was always the guy women denied and I figured if of anyone he would understand the feeling of not feeling wanted or good enough. I feel hurt and disgusted. I have spent all of this time feeling as though we were bonding during these intimate moments, but instead I feel like a warm lump of flesh that he would use and close his eyes and fantasize about "the dream woman." The type of girls men wish they could have intimately. I feel empty. I feel like nothing. And although this guy has other good qualities, I don't know how to recover from this and ever be able to feel intimate with him sexually again. Is this normal behavior for men?

I don't know if it's "normal" for men but I think about other people during sex, I also think about the dishes, the decorating and lots more topics other than what I'm doing, it's not because I am not enjoying myself and it is nothing to do with not loving or fancying my other half. I just can't help that my mind wanders off

There's actually been quite a bit of research done on what people fantasize about before, during, after and between sex.

It's perfectly normal for both men and women to have some outrageous sexual fantasies that they'd never really want to come true. In fact, some women have to be taught to engage in hot sexual fantasies in order for them to orgasm.

The problem here is not your bf's fantasies during sex, it's that he told you about them. Maybe because he's inexperienced around women and doesn't realize that women who feel even a little insecure don't want to hear about fantasies that don't include her, or sometimes ones that do include her.

At least he trusted you enough to share something intensely private and personal. That's really a good sign, it means you're a fabulous trust-inspiring girlfriend. Please down get all scowley over it! It's in no way an insult to your attractiveness or desirableness.

In my opinion, a person's head space during sex really deserves to be completely private unless both members of the couple are knowledgeable, secure, non-jealous and adventurous enough to share each other's fantasies without negative repercussions.

Please forgive him for being human and for being too inexperienced to know it was not a good idea to talk about such things.

Now, listen, this is the good part. You get to have any kind of sexual fantasies you want, too, including things you wouldn't do in a million years. Just don't tell him about it. Don't think about the grocery list or the laundry. Train yourself to have lustful thoughts during sex and your body will enjoy it very much. It doesn't mean you love him less or cherish him less or think less of him.

My husband and I both have our little fantasies. We don't tell each other about them. It really is a no-fault area. Your BF is normal and it in no way says anything bad about you.

Now, give that boy a hug and tell him it's all okay.

My BF visited strip clubs in his past too, not while he was with me. This makes me insecure too... If it's on t.v. I trigger badly
My BF always looks at me during sex. So I don't think he is fantasizing about someone else.

I'm probably going to ruffle a few feathers but I believe it needs saying sorry

Everyone has a past things that happen before you are in a relationship with someone are a part of what makes them the person you love. Judging yourself or them against the past events in that persons life are your issues/insecurities and should be addressed with the help of a therapist

And I am sorry to play devil's advocate but why do us ladies expect men to behave in a way that appeases us ? If a woman has an issue with pornography then they expect their partner to stop viewing it, purely to appease our own insecurities. But should a man protest to a vibrator we ladies protest about our right to be sexual beings

There's a difference between masturbating and watching porn. Porn can destroy a man's ability to get an erection and make sex become less interesting.

How can a normal woman ever match up to a stripper or porn star fantasy....

How can any "normal" man live up to Brad Pit or Vin Diesel

And I'm sure men have said the same about vibrators and dildos

I think we all have to accept that none of us are perfect and that includes our partners, but their faults as well as the plus points make them the person that they are. And just as we have to accept ourselves for who we are, we have to accept others lock stock and barrel

I agree to some extent. I don't think we should have to accept things we do not agree with, but in order for a relationship to work both partners have to bend a little bit. For instance, although I don't enjoy the idea of my partner viewing pornography, I do not let it ruffle my feathers and get to me because I understand that men need visuals and need to relieve sexual tension more often than most women. If he is alone and needs to get his jollies off then so be it and browse porn. But if we are talking about learning to accept our partners, I don't see how he is accepting me as a partner if he needs to visualize other women in order to get off with me. What is the point in having sexual contact if the moment of intimacy and bonding is made to be fake and made up to whatever he truly fantasizes and wants? In my opinion, he is not accepting me as a person and apparently he can't if he feels as though he can't perform to the visual and thought of me. I feel as though it is enough for him to fantasize through masturbation and porn, but when he is mentally ****ing someone else in the bedroom, I'm meant to say sorry for how I feel?

Would just like to add that I'm thankful for all of the comments even though some of them I don't feel I agree with. It helps me see different viewpoints and is helping me look at this from a variety of different angles. My insecurities are definitely issues I need to work through as well. It is so hard to feel confident in a world of competition and infidelity.

For me, great sex requires an altered state of consciousness, one that transcends the mundane and takes flight without restrictions. It's not just physical. It's mental and emotional. Definitely not intellectual.

If my partner was so insecure and such a control freak that he wanted to monitor my head space while I'm transcending normal existence and melting into the moment ... well, we'd have trouble.

I happen to hate porn. I hate strip clubs. My H came with a past and I made it clear early on that those things wouldn't be part of the present, not if he wanted a future with me. He agreed and it's been great. If he glances at a beautiful woman it doesn't bother me because I do my own glancing, too, at handsome men. Discreetly.

I have to wonder what the problem is here. Is it that the BF or H is rubbing it in, telling you he can't get off unless he's thinking about someone or something else while making love to you, or is it something you're trying to monitor and control because of your own insecurities.

Is he comparing you unflatteringly to strippers, porn stars and sexy celebrities or is that comparison taking place in your own mind?

If the problem is in your own mind or due to your jealousy and insecurities, getting some counseling to build up your confidence and to learn how to stop sabotaging your relationship with unreasonable demands might be in order.

If he's rubbing it in, saying mean things repeatedly -- maybe it's time to reconsider the relationship.

Oh, she very much can!!!

Moreover, she can outdo them. But for that you need to be yourself and not try to match up to them.

If you try to match up to them, you won't even get there, but if you are your own self (and I am sure you can be seductive, mercurial, alluring, tender, gracious, awesome, or whatever it is that your partner associates with high level of sexiness), then you can easily outdo them.

I have never been to a strip club but I once went into a restaurant (in 1997) that had a pole for strip dancing, but somehow there was no show when my then new now ex H went in.

I think he caught me looking at the pole with some apprehension and hastened to assure me that the reality of strip dancing is nothing compared to what I might picture in a fantasy, i.e. how I would have done it.

Many years later I watched Carmen Elektra's pole dancing and realized just how my H was right. What she is doing is basically a workout. It has zero sensuality to it. Provocativeness, maybe, but true eroticism, no. She has her form but has no grace to her movements. As a sport, it is fine, but it is not sexy, in my opinion.

Disclaimer - I am old-fashioned and find nudes by Manet and Modigliani incredibly sexy. The idea of sexy 6-packs, biceps etc. is foreign to me.

Brad Pitt is a man of average attractiveness who has been a benefactor of an extremely good PR campaign. I have known numerous men more attractive than he is. Plus, his facial expression is sort of dumb - that might be because I am mostly seeing him on tabloid pictures with Jolie and a bunch of kids, so he might simply be overwhelmed by having to shepherd so many kids at once. Maybe what looks dumb to me is overwhelm in reality. At any rate, he is not an inch above average.

Daniel Day-Lewis, when young, was far more attractive and with more intelligence to his face, too. He won 3 Oscars and Brad Pitt won only one. That actually speaks more of his acting than looks, but I thought I'd point it out.

Maybe it's just my opinion, but if either partner is thinking about anything else during sex, then there's a problem.