BOTH sexual and gender issue - I think... Problems dealing flirting and gender roles

Hi. This might seem a bit silly, but I didn't really know where else to go.

I am a young woman in my twenties who, as far as I can tell, is comfortable with being a woman. I define myself as a woman, even though I was quite the tomboy when I was younger I always have and I love wearing dresses etc. But, I do have some serious problems with the female gender role. I consider myself a feminist and is not really interested in a discussion about gender issues or which gender is worst off (I hate that discussion, meaningless and founded on wrong premises on all sides). I just want to talk about my personal experiences and it how it seems to bother me much more than others around me.

Okay, back to it. As I said, I define myself as a woman and for the most part, I feel good about it. But, I am bothered by gender roles. I have always been an "alpha female", outgoing and frank, not afraid to speak my mind. I feel people reacting differently to me because I am a woman if I front certain views, or I notice them speaking to me differently. This just goes for a few people, but it's enough to annoy me. Socially, though, being a woman isn't really a problem in this day and age (although people much easier call a woman a ***** for standing up for herself than they would a man doing the same thing). The only real issues I have with these gender roles, is when it comes to flirting and dating.

I hate the double-standards, that men who sleep with many are idolized by younger boys and that it's considered normal, while if a woman sleeps with many her value is lowered in the eyes of both men and women, they use deragoratory language and talks badly about the girl. I have many times, at parties and stuff, spoken my mind about how I feel about that double standard when it becomes evident, for instance if a boy and a girl leave together, and people are like high-fiving him and saying it's cool, and some people call the girl "easy" or "a slut". This way of thinking is perpetuated throughout our entire culture and also by parents and teachers who probably are well-meaning, talking about what's "appropriate" for boys and girls.

The thing is, this annoys me so much that it also inhibits me from doing what I want. I don't want anyone to call me easy or slutty, and I wouldn't want a guy to see me as just some chick he brought home, a number on a list, to belittle me in his mind. The thought of it repulses me so much that I sometimes abstain from random sexual encounters. I have had them, certainly, but not if we haven't talked and connected for the entire night first, not if I don't feel that he sees me as an interesting person and values me for more than my sexuality. And, in that case I like to be the one to initiate the sex, to feel that I am in control and not being used in any way. I have never went anywhere with an intention of having sex, though, it's just something that sort of can happen if the night turns out a certain way and the interest/spark is there, which takes some getting to know each other to find out. Thus, I also never look at a random guy and think of him in a sexual way.

I am afraid that the thought that most men, especially the very flirty ones, are just out to get some and couldn't care less about with whom, has become almost an obsession for me. I have girlfriends who are like that too, by all means, and I don't like it any more when they do it, but it's not something that affect me personally. But, I have so many problems with this and the whole flirting/sex culture that I sort of shut down. I either appear almost asexual, never showing any interest, just talking to people (which is, after all, why I go to a party - not to get laid, as seems the goal for some people) and then going home when all is said and done, or I can even get aggressive when someone tries to flirt with me. It's like I see them as bad people for trying because I think that they are just out to get laid. Maybe they are, and I know it's not really a bad thing, but it bothers me a lot. It's like - I think that if I were a man, they would not be flirty with me if they wanted to get to know me, they would just talk normally and show interest in me as a person. I think sub-consciously I therefore think that people who flirt with me, because I am a woman and they are a man, do not respect me enough. It probably sounds weird to anyone who doesn't have those thoughts. I find the entire sex and flirting culture nowadays almost de-humanizing, people almost treat each other like prostitutes, someone they're just into for sex and don't have any regards for. I know that if someone flirts with you they might just be nice, or might be interested in more than just getting in your pants, but this has as I said become almost an obsession for me. It's a problem because I could potentially turn away several great guys who are interested in getting to know me better.

I don't mind casual sex if, as I mentioned, there's been established a connection and a spark, and I think all dating rules are incredibly stupid (wait until third date before you have sex, don't call for a certain number of days, don't talk about this and that) and just limit us. So I'm not particularly conservative in any way. But, I think there's just a part of me that wants people to be interested in me for ME, not because I am a woman and they are attracted to women, that gender/sex shouldn't really matter. That either they are interested in me or they are not. I wish these thoughts didn't bother me so, because I like flirting sometimes if it's not done with any strings or expectations, I like "seducing" a man so to speak and being in charge of where I want the night to go. So this might be an issue of control, of flirting making me feel not in control or something, I don't know. Either way, the result is that my sex life doesn't really get anywhere if I'm not in a relationship. Now, for instance, I have not had sex for 8 and a half months. It's not a libido issue, I have a strong libido and don't mind having "sex with myself" on a regular basis (I do that while in relationships aswell, it's healthy for everyone to do it, men and women, in my opinion). I get sexually aroused etc., so I'm in no way asexual. I just sort of... disapprove of the entire flirting culture and therefore feel that I would condone it, or be a part of it, if I slept with people. I'm getting really sexually frustrated now but still can't get myself to NOT act this way any time I get in these kinds of situations, any advice?

Just to make myself clear, I fear I came off a bit wrong in the first post: I relate very well with men. I used to have mostly male friends for a long time when I was a child, and I still have lots of male friends (more women than men now, though). I talk with them about sex and everything as if they were girlfriends, lol. But that's different, because I know we're friends, and I know they value me for who I am.

I skimmed over some of that cos it was long but I honestly think there is nothing wrong with you, You sound like a person who knows what they want and that is good. I also find flirting annoying for the most part, it's generally fake and pathetic. And the thing is you are right about most men who flirt with you wanting only sex- the reason isn't "all men are bad" or any of that crap it's just the way the mass population is conditioned as you obviously know from things you said yourself. I say good on you for having your eye's open to these things. The problem is with society (and media portrayals) and you will get a lot of sht for the way you are but that doesn't mean you are wrong. Just look through history and you will see a lot of people who were right that were vilified either by the state/country or just by thier families/those around them. What you are as far as I can tell is an individual, someone who doesn't follow the crowd. I say good on you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to talk normally and get to know people, it just sounds to me like you want more real things than fake- substance and you are a bit more serious than some people. So? It's ok, you are fine. Some people are flirty, some are funny and some are just serious or more real. All are fine. Maybe it is the social pressure that "follower" type people put on you making you feel bad when you shouldn't? I have had issue's about the things you are talking about too cos I am not really flirty, not girly and even wear "guy" type clothes. The older I get the more I realise it is not my problem it is other people's problem and societies problem for being too stereotypical. People don't fit into neat little boxes of boy/girl, etc gender is only a made up thing really. Look at a wolf or something for example, can you tell it's sex from looking at it? From how it behaves? No you can't, the true nature of most animals including humans is gender neutral. Sorry that's long but hope it helps you. And you don't have to have sex all the time everyone is different, I'm sure when you find the right person it will happen.

I have to agree with the person above. And I also want to say that it could be helpful to note how much being thought of as "easy" or a "slut" by others affects you. It's so demeaning that you're afraid to be who you are.

I agree that we shouldn't be "slut-shaming" as many call it, but at the same time we'll never be able to control what others think or feel about us. Just because someone may call you easy is no reason to let that change what you want to do. Be you. Others can say what they want, but ultimately they have no idea who you really are.

This makes me wonder if there isn't something about that "slut-shaming" culture that has hurt you in ways that could be resolved, and that maybe resolving those would bring you some closure and give you the power to be yourself again.

Also, there's nothing wrong with flirting, and flirting can mean so many different things to so many different people. If you're afraid of getting hurt by someone who's only willing to use you, it may be helpful to guard yourself until certain men you're interested in have proven that they are trustworthy. After all, you have the right to know what you're getting into. At the same time, you have the right to do what you want without being judged by others.