Changing from different types of relationships

Hello everyone and thank you for your time, Before I begin there are a few things i need to say: 1. I've lied to my current girlfriend about my past 2. I've talked to other people without her knowing 3. I was given countless opportunities to "come clean" and never took advantage of those times. 4. I don't want pity, I want guidance.

Ok to begin, My first relationship was mental and physically abusive. I never had another experience at the time to fully understand what was going on but I considered our relationship, unique, to say the least. I was constantly demanded to prove my love to her, which included letting her sleep with others and (here's the biggest factor in all of this) crossdress for her. The relationship continued this way for a long time until a close family member intervened and took me away from that environment.

I want to go into more detail about this and another relationship but I will save that for another entry.

That relationship and another one have been the "standard" for me. Thats not to say i haven't been in other relationships without "kinks" but those were rebounds (my apologies for sounding so insensitive)

My question is this: I love my girlfriend, beyond what we have done sexually she is everything a man can ask for. So what steps and what precautions are necessary to go from a "kink" relationship to a "normal" relationship? Keep in mind I have already given into actions from my past, I messaged others sexually when i felt i was not getting enough sexually from my current girlfriend.

To clearify: I WANT a "normal" relationship. I just want to know if someone has any guidance. Maybe it seems easy for others to flip a switch but it has not been easy for me. I believe I can make a change in myself, because I want this change.

If more details are needed then please feel free to ask.

Hello, modernben2, and welcome to Psych Central! Do you mean that you want a relationship with her that's based on love, caring, and trust; only involves what is considered "typical" heterosexual behavior; and where you are faithful to her in all respects?

I am thinking it would be helpful for you to talk to a therapist about your "baggage." And I am not convinced that it would serve any good purpose telling your current girlfriend about your past relationships. Not if you want her to stick with you, anyway.

You have provided some detail, but not in a structured form. If you could provide a list of actual things from the past that you yourself consider "abnormal" (by your definition to which you are well entitled) and a list of current things or things you aspire to in the future that you consider "normal", then it would be an easier exercise to build a bridge for you.

Thank you for responding, I appreciate all the help I can get, I can understand why you would suggest not talking to her about my past but she actually already knows about it.

Thank you for responding, I don't want to say that anything I've done before is "abnormal" because I know there are many people in the world who have pursued the same activities and I do not want anyone to thinking I'm judging them. That being said, the list of things I have done is a bit complicated for me to write down because I did not want to participate in most of them. Again I was in a muniplutive relationship.

I have done things such as crossdress, threesomes with two guys involved, forced sodomy, pissing, binding, cuckold & fisting. There are other things but I'm sure this draws a picture. Most of these activities TO ME have bad memories and experiences. I would like to pursue as "TravelingLady" says "a relationship with her that's based on love, caring, and trust; only involves what is considered "typical" heterosexual behavior; and where you are faithful to her in all respects"

Draw each activity that you describe as giving you bad memories and experiences on a separate sheet of paper. Spend some time with the drawings - add words that hurt or write the names of people who manipulated you in doing what you didn't like.

Then, take a box of matchsticks and drive somewhere when you can burn the pile of paper discreetly and without doing anything illegal (city ordinances might prohibit fire, so maybe drive far into the country).

Once you return home, write down everything you liked about TravelingLady's advice in a spreadsheet, in a column (A), one thing beneath the next. In the next column (B), list qualities that you already possess or feelings you already experience that make it possible for you to get to your goal. In column C, write qualities that you think you lack but might acquire that would bring you further to the goal.

I think it is more than enough for starters. From time to time you can review the spreadsheet to see how you are progressing towards the goal.

I'm not quite sure I understand at all


You want a kink free relationship with your GF, because all or most of your past kink experiences were bad.


That part I understand.


But what exactly stops you from keeping things vanilla between you and the GF in the bedroom?

Do you have a compulsion to act out the things you've grown to hate with her and are seeking ways to prevent that from happening?


Or do you struggle to find pleasure in sexual acts that don't hold bad memories?


Sorry if I seem dense,its quite late, also I'm tired and quite ill atm.

I too am a bit confused.

What does your relationship with your current GF have that you don't wish to partake in? I understand that you don't have a desire to participate in any of the activities that are triggers from an abusive past, and you can tell your gf that you do not wish to take part in those activities as they do not make you feel pleasure (You don't even have to say why.. just that they aren't your thing and you don't want to do them).

The only things that I know from your relationship with your current gf are that you've messaged other women because you didn't feel satisfied, and that you've lied to her.

Which are your actions, and not hers. The only advice I can give you is to NOT lie to your partner or cheat on her.. and to be open with your communication of wants and desires. Note that I did not say that you have to be open with your past. But you do have to communicate openly - if you don't like an activity, or if you feel like you have a higher sex drive, tell her and discuss it.

Don't be sorry, I pretty sure now that I haven't exactly made my problem very clear. To put it bluntly I want to have a "traditional" relationship with my girlfriend. The issue is that trying a traditional relationship is something i havent taken seriously until now and when it wasn't enough I have acted out and reached for satisfaction in other ways such as messaging other or sending pictures to others. There was a situation where my girlfriend and I were on a break and I was so sad and lonely. I had related the feelings to my past and I even crossdressed like i did in the past but I felt horrible doing it.

Thanks very much for this, I definitely think that communication is exactly my problem and I should have been open about my feelings with my girlfriend. Thats what we are working on now.

I get the impression that you wish you were satisfied with a vanilla relationship...but you're not.

No, it's not easy at all to flip a switch. If you're lucky enough to enter into a relationship in which your partner is happy with vanilla as well as kinky sex, then it's whatever you both desire at the moment.

But lots of people, having enjoyed their own kind of kink, have a LOT of trouble being in an entirely vanilla relationship....

No it hasn't been easy but I'm going to "flip the switch" because I love my girlfriend and she deserves better from me. She has bent over backwards to work things out. I need to identify my triggers then I believe I can take a step forward. I know you said some people are lucky enough to have a partner who enjoys both kinky and vanilla but I'm just lucky to have my girlfriend and I want to make a change within me so that we can be happy together and I never hurt her

I suggest seeing a sex therapist. It seems to me that your sexual satisfaction is tied into your past abusive relationship and you need to untangle that mess in order to move forward in a healthy way.

As you have discovered, simply getting yourself out of an abusive relationship isn't enough to repair the damage. And while I applaud you for trying to protect your current girlfriend, I'm not so sure that this is something that can be done by yourself.

You might begin with an addiction support group.

https://saa-recovery.org/
http://www.sa.org/