[Yismymindblank12]

I don't understand it at times, and sometimes, I feel like the term and the stigma doesn't help me. I'm not sexually addicted I get paranoid, because not because if I have a problem or not, I know I do, but I'm paranoid people are going to make any excuse to say I have a sexual addiction I should shun and hate myself because of my sexual fantasies or how I perceive sex and myself.

I seriously feel like, people don't want me here and I don't feel loved or wanted, it's like my body always has a bad itch to need sex. I don't get it, I'm sexually frustrated and I don't want to take it out on anyone if I meet someone I like and consent to having sex with them. I feel like everyone is so hard on me about it, my mom is the reason I'd rather die being called a "man*****" "slut" so on to something I'm comfortable with than being content not having it.

I don't know if this means I have an addiction or not. It pisses me off, I was raped a lot, I can't help it. I hate having to hold it back so much where I live. I hate people. I hate this whole stupid system that's impractical. I don't belong here and I don't feel like I should be loved because that's the signals I get all the time.

I feel like if I have to be attractive I have to work out a lot. I won't eat anymore, I'm going to use laxatives to make sure everything is out of my system. I really can't eat food. I want to be skinny and perfect. I'm not fat, but I can look better if I loose a lot more weight. I'm only 160 something lbs from losing over 70 from this year alone. I plan on losing more and more weight. I want to get under a 100 again like I was when I was getting attention from females. I want to be petite and small again. I just want to be good enough and look attractive enough. I take a lot of time to make myself look good. I shouldn't be called a guy. I think I'm a girl, I should of been born one because how I react. I wish I was, because I couldn't do it, being a guy sucks for me.

I don't want to hear how the benefits are for guys. I know them, I'm tired of it. I'm really sad all the time, and recently been depressed again. Doing my hardest not to eat anymore, because I want to feel like someone likes me for me. Someone isn't going to treat me like I'm a used toy or rag and someone doesn't want to use me and tell me how worthless I am because I'm not black, or super muscular than I already am, or I'm good at sex or whatever. I don't know why people really do say this stuff to me who I date, I just want to be a girl so people give me attention. I hate this tough guy ****, I don't find it attractive I find arrogance is what people are into stupid people that's all. I don't feel smarter than them I feel just below them worthless. That I should lose more weight because I don't look good enough.

I hate faking it I hate this. I hate this female privilege. I want to have it too, I hate being born like I'm a failure. I just want to be a girl, so I can have all the sex I want, love my body image and do what I do as a guy, but in the right body. I want to express more openly as a girl I'm comfortable liking guys and girls. That I can do what I want sexually without being a creep or whatever. I hate this. It may come off as ignorant, but I'm just relaying what's been done and told to me. I would be free for once to be open with a voice. As a guy I have no voice, but as a woman. I would be able to make my voice louder than already what I do now. I'm comfortable with my sexuality, but as a guy I'm always assumed it's unreal and get over it. If I was a girl, I'd be told the same thing, but a lot less and I would have the opportunities to get what I want sexually and emotionally if I had the right body.

That's why I hate myself, I'm not that. People have their problems, I don't think it's the standard or should be personally, but it's how I'm being treated so I don't have a say in the matter.

Should I even bother with this? Do I have a true addiction? because I don't know and I want to see if everyone is trying to challenge me on how wrong my existence is and that I shouldn't feel the way I feel.

[Werewoman]

I can't answer your questions. Believe me, I wish I could. Repeatedly being raped as you were explains a lot, though. It's my understanding that what you are feeling is normal for rape victims. I'm guessing you have reached out for help and for whatever reason, you were shot down. All I can say is, keep trying. Somewhere out there are people who can help you. Keep reaching out and you will find them. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me and I remember living with that horror everyday. It got a lot better for me because I didn't give up (most days anyway).

[Yismymindblank12]

It did help me understand what sex is, I like to have sex as a gesture to people I really like. I don't want to date them or have something serious only if it's my intent I won't have sex with them at first if I like them. If they are hot, and I want to be around them if sex happens or if they want to or I want to it will happen. I don't act awkward about it. Except on the phone and I'm like one of those people who walk the walk and not talk until after I made my point. It's just that I'm in the wrong neighborhood where I live to be like that. I seriously want some leg room for once. I'd rather meet my partner I love through this way than any other way, because I don't want this to be the issue so if I already had it no build up of weirdness the only buildup I expect is sexual tension and the fun of it. That's it..

Man if I was a girl, I would rock it better. I'd always make myself look good, I'd be in modelling for photo shoots. I wouldn't do porn, but I'd live my life fuller in my own shoes comfortably. I wouldn't care if my libido got lower, but I know I'd make it more worth it than being a guy now attempting to do the same thing.

[Werewoman]

Sadly, transgender people struggle no matter where they live. Would it be possible if sometime in the future you could have sex reassignment surgery? Do you want that?

WW

[Yismymindblank12]

Yes and no. Yes I'd like the body I'd want, but no with my current male face I would look way better as male than female. I still don't know yet. Also I wouldn't be able to afford it. Even if I wanted to.

The main reason no for now, I can only be who I want through how I would act if I was who I know I was now in my current body. It's more effective I think than doing the surgery itself and trying to do the same with my female body.

As a guy, girls notice me more, but as a woman, I feel that it be harder. I sometimes not sure how much harder, but I can imagine, it's the same struggles cis gendered lesbians go through too. I don't think this is everywhere, but I know it's harder from what I've seen for to have a lesbian relationship in my city, but you have know where to look. I mean I've met more gay males, than lesbians in my city. I don't know why that is here. So if I did do it and still lived here, it would not help at all. I would be turned down a lot more as a female than a male. I want to look convincing and being the me I see, but it would pose some interesting challenges I haven't faced before.

My therapist is very understanding with this, I talk about this with her. She wants me to have surgery and have me transition, but I don't know and don't think it's a good idea practically.

[Werewoman]

I recently saw a show (can't remember off hand what it was called) where the subject matter was the different ways transgender people cope. One especially interesting person showcased was a man, who like you didn't want to have the surgery done. His reason was that he was only attracted to women, not men. His solution in the end was to have breast enhancement but left his male genitalia intact. He wore makeup and dressed as a woman, and only had sex with women - and apparently had no trouble finding partners. I think he was living in New York if I remember correctly which probably explains the ease with which he was able to find partners.

I think most people in general are a lot more tolerant, though we as a species have a long way to go. There is indeed a third gender if not more than three. I admit there was a time when I thought transgenders were mentally ill, but with all the research in the last decade or so (my favorite cousin does this sort of research, btw) proves that it's genetic, which tells me it's just as natural as me being a heterosexual female.

You are still young and have time to decide what is best for you. It may involve you having to move elsewhere to find the acceptance you need and people you can relate to more. In the meantime, it sounds like your therapist is a good one. Who knows, a decade or so from now, you might decide that surgery is the best thing you can do for yourself and once you reach that point, if you ever do, you might be able to find a group or non-profit that will help pay for it.

For what it's worth, I think you are very brave to cope as well as you do under the circumstances. Problems like yours are not for wimps.

WW