So confused after separation...

I am a bit confused... This is only my second post but I am at a loss, and I may reveal things I have NEVER TOLD ANYONE! EVER!! I am very introverted but this forum seems so safe to me I feel I can finally talk and be completely honest about my issues about this. I thank you all ahead of time for reading, I don't feel so alone now reading other's threads! <3 I do hope I can help others here, as well...

Ok, I have a sexual identity issue, I don't know if i'm actually bi or what... I have recently 'separated' from my husband but it was a long time coming, so I don't feel as emotional as I think I should feel... the separation had nothing to do with sexuality, just his narcissism, lol.. I've had a LOT of experiences of choosing the wrong men, both ex marriages were with NPD's, and I have this emotional block where I feel men just like to manipulate me or rip me off, cheat, etc... I don't know if this is part of that, but I guess that's why I'm confused.

Anyway, I have met someone at my daughter's nursery recently, in the last 2 weeks similar to me who is this really awesome hippy girl, she's kind of in a bad relationship, as well, and has admitted to loving women in conversation I guess you could say - likes women more than men, but is in a relationship with a man. I think she may have a small crush on me but it wasn't until she was talking about her past relationships with women compared to her current one with a guy that I started thinking about the possibility of exploring this with her.. Let me just say I have always LOVED men, I love sex with men, I've only ever had relationships with men, BUT my first kiss was with a girl at 12, and my first, second and third make-out session between 12-14 were with girls..

I was not abused as a child per se, but I have always been a sexual being, but introverted and almost prude-ish, never acted them out unless I was with a friend who liked kissing and cuddling, (never sex), and not that often, mostly at sleep overs. I always assumed it was experimentation as we were either not old enough, or hadn't had boyfriends yet... There was even a sleep over where 4 of us made out and I realized I instigated it. Fast forward maybe about 7 years, I was a girly girl(still am), and my boyfriend and I 'at the time' (around 21 yrs old) had made friends with another couple. This girl was 18 and very open with me about her crush on me, she tried to manipulate situations to where I believed my bf was cheating, (but wasn't) and I stopped talking to her... thing is, looking back at my relationship with that boyfriend at the time, I regret actually not taking her up on her advances, but I was uncomfortable then. I did let her kiss me and my neck, but I was going through break-up emotions so I stopped her... I've never stopped thinking about that missed opportunity even now. When I was 23 (I'm 39 now O_O) I had another friend who had a job selling sex toys, lol... she was 'straight' w/ a boyfriend, so was I and we all would hang out and look at the catalogs(I was still with the same boyfriend from the earlier story). We were friends for a few years. Then, that boyfriend & I broke up, and my they decided we'd party to celebrate my freedom... Of course, we all got drunk and by the end of the night she and I were being coaxed by her boyfriend to make out after I said I liked looking at the pictures in his Playboy magazines that were in his apartment, (which I was embarrassed, but still did it cause I was a bit tipsy... I did like kissing her but felt a little ashamed because her boyfriend was there and also half of my family is catholic, etc... 'guilt'.) She tried to take my bottoms off but I was too scared, again, because her boyfriend was there... I didn't do anything but kiss her, but she was asking me ''Didn't you ever want to know what it would feel like to be with a woman?'' But, like always when I'm out of my comfort zone, I ended up chickening out and just kissing her while they did their thing. I regretted the whole night and felt weird for a month or so, then I was actually glad I was there as we had so much fun leading up to that. I now don't regret doing the 'facilitating' at all with them, they are still my friends, but I regret not being ''with'' her. To me this feels weird to my own idea of 'who' I am or who I 'thought' I was as a 'straight' woman... I'm still trying to figure this one out, sometimes I'm sure, then sometimes I question.

In my early years I always knew I'd get married, have kids, etc., but I still had many, many, MANY fantasies about women.. well, lots of men too, but 'mostly' women. Stranger still, I don't have these fantasies if I am happy in my relationships with men, or if I've been too long out of a relationship with a man and that's another weird thing and is why I am totally confused now... If I've been broken up with I can be utterly convinced that I'm bisexual or gay. I get the whole 'I hate men' emotions and start identifying myself TO myself as gay or bisexual, then I feel great, like 'Finally!'... it only lasts for about a week, then I think in my head, 'What? I am NOT even bisexual!' to myself and the physical attraction to the same sex just totally STOPS.. I just don't understand.

Getting back to current time, it's happening again, and I want to know my self for sure. I can't stop thinking about my new 'friend'. We are always excited, giddy girly girls when we see each other, like sisters, and I don't want to ruin this friendship but if I did start anything with this girl I think I'd be afraid I couldn't get out of it because of my separation, and having 2 kids and not wanting to confuse them, then her freaking out and getting hurt, my intense homosexual feelings, then my homosexual repulsion, blahblahblah... emotional turmoil.

I've already been dealing with panic attacks and PTSD from living with a Narcissistic husband(now ex).. It just seems like a bad idea to try and have 'an experience' when I've only just broken up with my husband, but I don't want another regret. My fantasies are going overboard and I want to expand my experiences outside of my comfort zone and she won't leave my mind. Does this just sound like rebound thinking talking? It's so soon (we separated Monday) I want to tell her or bring it up in conversation... Could I actually really just be bisexual and afraid to admit it to myself? I don't know if I could even 'fall in love' with her either... and if I can't or don't, I don't want a huge drama mess I can't get out of. I'm going crazy.

Rereading this I apologize if my issues seem minor compared to other's more serious problems, I don't mean to sound like someone doing things or saying things for attention or because 'guys like it' or seems trendy, I hope it doesn't come across that way, for some reason I've been accused of that before with very real feelings.
Today I saw my other crush that I didn't mention, one of my guy friends, I saw him in passing and my feelings for her were 'interrupted' and he was the only thing on my mind, but JUST as intense.. then about 10 minutes later I saw her near the shop in my village and she's having problems in her relationship... I felt like I was going to burst because my feelings came back, flooded into my chest and I wanted to comfort her(climb her like a tree! She's tall), but I don't want to take advantage of her in her emotional state... a state oddly similar to my own situation at this point in time. As soon as I saw her my heart jumped the same way it did with him, it seems as if they cancel each other out when I see these 2 people in my life, which was something I was wondering. It feels so weird even typing this, like I'm going to get found out or something, I feel guilty. I've even been spending much more 'alone time' just thinking of HER specifically. About 6 times today! WTF is this? I feel it may be because of my separating from my husband and I just want to feel someone else completely different from him? I was reading that sometimes people's sexuality can be in flux, as well, is that what this is or is it just hormones of some kind? It just seems that it has only increased since the separation. I don't think I've ever been through this (or thought about a man like I do her, though.) I want to get this out of my system so I can think clearly bc I am a wreck and my libido is in hyperdrive, but my libido has been all but absent for the past 5 years. I really just want to have the experience with her to find out if it's real, so I don't have another regret, if I can really have a relationship with someone of the same sex to find a definitive answer, but without the self disgust... I feel ashamed. I almost just want them both.

Sorry for writing a long winded book, I usually journal but I still live in the same house with my husband until he finds a place.

I think you're putting the cart before the horse....

Try to separate experimentation from a relationship.

One doesn't necessarily have to involve the other. If it feels comfortable to you, then carry on. But have a talk with her so that you're both on the same page.

Thanks.. I'm a little less frazzled now. I tend to get myself worked up and over analyze... Thank you for your response ~

Ellefino, to me it didn't sound at all as if you were talking about getting attention or anything of the sort. It sounded honest and confused and searching, all in a good way. Sometimes it helps a lot to get everything out. Then it's very normal to think, OMG, what did I just say?

It sounds to me like your orientation has always been toward bi attraction but for various reasons, maybe including Catholic guilt, you stuck with men. Now that you're separated, and a mature woman, you're again realizing the potential out there for romantic/sexual relationships with women.

If you decide to go in that direction, I have a couple of suggestions, which might be kind of difficult, but please think about them. First, keep alcohol to a minimum, and second, try to avoid a situation where a man might be coaxing you on so he can watch and get turned on.

The only reasons I suggest that is because it's made you feel weird in the past and it may not be the best way for you to relax and enjoy yourself.

As Sophiesmom suggested, make sure you're on the same page with your new friend and if you're not, there's a wide world out there with lots of people to meet. It would probably be good to avoid men with NPD. Women, too. They don't make the best partners.

It's not unusual for people to realize their true orientation sometime around your age, but from what you wrote -- and I read it all -- you've liked girls from a young age, far more than just some early experimentation. The fact that you went with men doesn't change that. Whatever you decide to do, please treat yourself well and with care. You deserve that.

I wish you the best.