Self-destruction, sexual deliriums, what is my problem? Can I cure myself?

I'm 20. Gay guy. Since I was a child my father was very aggressive with me. Sometimes he would physically harm me, always shouting, calling names and wanting me to do what he wanted. Through my whole teenage I've been under heavy psychological abuse by both my parents, mainly because of homophobic purposes.

I'm somewhat submissive and elusive in my social interactions. Issues with trust, self-esteem and abandonment. Lost virginity this year, but I already passed through a period in which I thought I should have sex with many random guys, so I did it, and 90% of it was very bad for me. Even got HPV. Compulsive masturbation problem, and in turn, erectile dysfunction in real life. Self-destructive behavior, specially when I get frustrated bc a guy my age I came to really like breaks my heart or blows me out once again (this seems to be a common pattern as well).

I enter in a delirium-like "reality" and do crazy stuff of sexual conotation, like watching hardcore porn that I wouldn't normally consider. I even start having weird desires that aren't part of my common psyche (guys my age, romance), such as to bottom to much older, dirty and very stereotypically masculine men or drug-addicts. Being hurt, beaten. I talk to them online and expose myself. Everything goes away after I ejaculate or after a while, then it doesn't make sense at all. Makes me feel unworthy. When depressed, I fantasize about dying or suiciding. This is happening frequently. I'm afraid I might do smth and regret.

Hello LiloPapillon: I'm sorry for the difficulties you are having. It sounds to me as though you are still struggling to get out from under the damage your parents' psychological abuse caused. There is a big part of you that believes what your parents said & did. And as a result you are at war with yourself. Your emotional wellbeing is the victim.

My perspective is that you need to get some professional help (therapy) to resolve the inner conflict that is causing you to have the thoughts you're having & to do the things you do. Otherwise, this conflict is only likely to deepen & become more difficult to endure.

It is important that you find a therapist who is experienced in working with the gay community. So, if there is some type of gay activist organization in your area, I would suggest contacting them to see if they have any recommendations as to who might be a good therapist to see. From my perspective, once you are able to resolve your inner conflict, allot of the struggles you describe are likely to go by the wayside. My best wishes to you.

Absolutely, you can cure yourself. Everybody can.

But, first you have to want to.

You listed out a bunch of reasons for you to continue to enable yourself in being damaged.

To fix yourself, you have to want to focus on things that will be good for you.

Mind over matter. You are what you think. So, in this theory - think what will make you better, make you happy, make you a whole person.