[growlithing]

I'm gonna get so much **** for this and I don't care. Hit exit if you are offended by sex or anything that sounds like self harm.

Possible trigger:

I cut myself last Monday. I told LCM that it was because I was triggered by past memories. I lied. I lied so bad. I cut myself because I love it. It turns me on. I love pain. I have no intentions ever to stop putting myself through physical pain. I lied because I was embarrassed and I need to tell her the truth. I've been lying for too long about myself and what I need.

She wants to help me find a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend. I need a Dom. I will never be happy in a vanilla relationship. I know I won't be.

A lot of you won't get it. This is an integral part of me. It will never go away. And yes I had a few shots. But I need to stop lying to myself and to her. You aren't just casually into what I'm into.

[LonesomeTonight]

Why do you feel like you can't be honest with her? Is it because you think she wouldn't understand? If she's been in practice for a while, she's likely come across a submissive before. Try to be honest. She's there to help you, not to judge you.

[ragsnfeathers]

I don't know that much about BDSM but I don't see what's wrong with it when both parties are clear on limits and all that stuff. I did go to a party years ago and tried out using a soft whip with someone just to see what the attraction is but it wasn't my thing.

Are you part of the BDSM community? Or are you going to get involved with it? If you do, maybe you can find your Dom. Why not?

[sideblinded]

growlithing, thanks for sharing. At least you are being honest. I would be honest as well. That is the right thing to be. I don't have to understand to listen. Best wishes.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Why do you feel like you can't be honest with her? Is it because you think she wouldn't understand? If she's been in practice for a while, she's likely come across a submissive before. Try to be honest. She's there to help you, not to judge you.

I think don't think she will accept it. I told her that I identify as a sub over a year ago. She told me she wonders if I'm suppressing being a Dom. I told her I didn't think so. But that was so long ago and I didn't tell her how important this is to me and how much it is eating at me. I've been resisting going into a relationship partially because I am scared, and partially because I am fully aware of the fact that I will not be truly sexually compatible with 80-90% of men I meet.

We also do have a mother/daughter dynamic to some extent and I know that her thinking about me getting off to pain and completely surrendering my power to a man makes her a little uncomfortable. She'll tell me I'm acting out past trauma. Maybe I am. It doesn't matter. Most people find it therapeutic anyway.

I really need her support in this. I can't just willy nilly seek out a D/s relationship. I could get hurt really badly really fast if I submit to the wrong man.

[JustShakey]

Growli, I think LCM may be onto something. In a true BDSM relationship the sub is the one with the power. She or he does not fear submission because they know their own power.

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[ragsnfeathers]

From what I understand, people who are truly into BDSM make sure they have clear agreements, safe words and all that stuff you probably know about. Are there any legit sex clubs in your area? The kinds that set it up so it's safe? If it's something you're into it could be a good way to test the waters.

I have talked with t about my "interests" that are along the same lines as yours. There wasn't really much to talk about, though; once I told her "this is one thing about myself that I am SURE of; it is part of who I am, I am just wired this way." I told her, to give her context for a dream I had had. JS is right, the sub is not surrendering their power. At least, not in a healthy D/s relationship.

Possible trigger:

I'll be honest and admit it here, if it helps you any to read it, I am into getting spanked, I need it like I need air you know, and we're not talking 'play spankings' either we're talking the real thing. I have different paddles and other toys. But as to who to 'play' with - trust is so important. You can't just jump at the first person you meet that says they're into it. You gotta talk - a lot - and get to know each other. etc. Like ragsnfeathers said - clear agreements about limits and other stuff are important. At least, in my experience. I've never been to a club or anything so I can't speak to that experience.

And she basically responded well if you don't have a problem with it, then there's nothing for us to talk about. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Every now and then it comes up randomly and she doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Growli,
I don't often comment on your threads, but something struck me in this one and I just wanted to put something forth. I can see how the d/s relationship would be appealing to you, and I bet your LC would as well. You seem to desperately want someone to take care of you...to tell you what to do and when and how to do it. In that respect, I can see how being submissive would be oh so appealing. For such a relationship to work, though, there has to be a huge amount of trust between partners, and I question whether you can have that level of trust without addressing some of your deeper issues first. You can't even trust your LC a lot of the time.

Also, as JustShakey noted, the sub in such a relationship actually has most of the power and control...which it sounds like you don't want. It might be a good experience for you to be in control of things in such an environment. ..getting the chance to stop things, because in your history you didn't have that chance...but I'm not sure you would exercise that control, which would defeat the purpose.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Growli, I think LCM may be onto something. In a true BDSM relationship the sub is the one with the power. She or he does not fear submission because they know their own power.

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I was just talking to someone about this earlier. The sub in a healthy D/s relationship absolutely is the Dom because ultimately, I need to be the one to set the boundaries in the relationship. I need to be the one to limit him and tell him if it's too much. You could interpret that as being a Dom, but I want to be the one receiving the pain and bondage and acting under the guise of submission. I don't want just any Dom who thinks he is god's gift to subs. I want a man who ultimately respects me and my limits and will be extremely attuned to my body language and prioritize my psychological and physical well being above his sexual pleasure regardless of what the scene is pretending.

I have put a lot of thought into this and I'm not trying to delude myself into asking for a relationship where I am literally a slave to a man's every wish and fantasy. I want a relationship with a mature and good Dom who will play the part very well and very fully but ultimately regard communication above everything else. I think that when LCM wondered if I was trying to pretend I was a sub, she didn't know that I fully understand that the D/s dynamic is completely geared and measured by the sub's limits.

[growlithing]

I want to clarify some things here. These points will be explicit both sexually and in terms of self harm. Please don't read if that will upset you. What I am saying I need to tell her is this:

1) I told her I have a long term goal of being in a relationship. She assumed (as anyone would) that I meant a typical relationship with a man. She encourages me to talk to men that I find attractive, and consider go outside my comfort zone emotionally, but hold off sexually. All of that is good and something I need to do for any romantic/sexual relationship. However, she is ignoring this other element completely. I do not want to a) accidentally get into a relationship that plays into my fetishes but crosses the line into abuse without me realizing it or b) get into a relationship with a great guy who is completely vanilla and watch the relationship slowly completely fall apart because we aren't sexually compatible. I can't keep lying to myself and pretending that this isn't a serious component to my sexuality. This isn't gonna go away and it has to be considered.

2) I told her that I was pursuing and talking to guys online. She asked me what sites I was using. I reluctantly lied and told her okcupid. I asked her why it mattered, and she said it was because it changes tht type of person I might encounter. I'm actually on fetish sites. That's a HUGE difference.

3) I actually often feel like she is pushing me to meet men a little faster than I want to. She assumes it's because I'm scared. While that's true, it's also because I am educating myself on BDSM and trying to establish what kind of man I am looking for extremely clearly as well as reaching out to older members of the community for advice on safety and communication. I would MUCH rather take this slowly and with extreme caution. I think I need to tell her that this relationship goal is much more complicated than she thinks.

4) LCM is hurt and upset with me because she thinks I self harmed earlier this week. While that is technically true, it isn't exactly that simple. I was aroused and happy and took a blade to my skin. I wasn't upset or looking to relieve emotional pain. I did it solely for sexual reasons which is COMPLETELY different than what it was in the past. Granted, I do avoid actually cutting in my play because I did abuse that in the past, but I told her that I wouldn't hurt myself and I was lying. I hurt myself all the time, almost daily, just not by cutting and not to relieve emotional pain.

This isn't something I take lightly at all. I am a strong person and I'm not going to submit to just anyone.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm an s. You need to say it's hard for you to be in a relationship because your fantasis are different from others. It took almost 3 years for me to tell my last T. I'm sure it's in my notes. Cutting is sexual no matter why it's done. It gives you the release like an orgasm. You can tell her you don't want a relationship because you're exploring your own sexuality.

[Patagonia]

I'm in a slave/Master relationship. When I told my T she thought I was seeking pain. Sort of a redemption from past sins. This made me feel terribly guilty. So I tried to stop. Honestly. But I couldn't & can't. It's what I am.
Many people will say, oh this relates to ur past trauma. Really it has nothing to do w/ it. It never really comes out, but has only empowered me. I love it.
My T didn't really accept it & things I wanted to discuss about the lifestyle she just didn't understand nor wanted to. So I decided to stop seeing her. I don't need that source of guilt anymore.
I'm different. I'm unique & in today's standards of trying desperately to fit in, I know I need to find my own path.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I'm in a slave/Master relationship. When I told my T she thought I was seeking pain. Sort of a redemption from past sins. This made me feel terribly guilty. So I tried to stop. Honestly. But I couldn't & can't. It's what I am.
Many people will say, oh this relates to ur past trauma. Really it has nothing to do w/ it. It never really comes out, but has only empowered me. I love it.
My T didn't really accept it & things I wanted to discuss about the lifestyle she just didn't understand nor wanted to. So I decided to stop seeing her. I don't need that source of guilt anymore.
I'm different. I'm unique & in today's standards of trying desperately to fit in, I know I need to find my own path.

Maybe my kinks and fantasies were caused by my past trauma. Maybe they weren't. I don't think it's that simple. I think someone's sense of sexuality and the origins of it is deeply complex and probably can't be pinned down to simply one or two things.

Pretend for a second that it was 100% caused by trauma (which I don't think is true). It makes no difference. The trauma I went through happened when I was in preschool- 12. The brunt of the physical and sexual stuff happened in elementary and early middle school. Stuff that happens to a child is going to permanently alter the way they will view the world. I don't even mean that in a strictly negative way. I could be completely healed from my trauma but still have a "different" perspective on sex. However, tons of people without abusive histories love BDSM and it clearly isn't completely trauma based.

All I know for sure is that this is something that has been apart of my sexuality since the very moment I started being able to acknowledge having sexual urges and debatably even longer. I don't think this is going to go away. It will grow, evolve and shift as I do, but this isn't something I believe I can continue to run away from or pretend isn't important to me.

I really hope LCM will support me and understand that this is very serious to me. I really need her acceptance and guidance even if her guidance is that she thinks I should seek out a mentor within the community.

[Middlemarcher]

You still may not be ready to find a therapist, but I'd really urge you to do so before getting into BDSM in practice. My experience has been that it is possible to do it in a way that is psychologically healthy for you, but also very easy to do it in a way that may retraumatize you or reinforce feelings of self-loathing, self-destructive tendencies, etc. The latter is, in my experience, *not a good thing.* Really, really not. I'm glad I had a T who was willing to let me talk about these things, and explore my motivations, to make sure that what I was doing was satisfying for me but also healthy.

[Middlemarcher]

And just to add to that, it's perfectly possible to choose the "right" partner, someone with good experience, ethics, and intentions, and still traumatize and damage yourself during play. It's not fair to you, and it's also not fair to that other person, either.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

You still may not be ready to find a therapist, but I'd really urge you to do so before getting into BDSM in practice. My experience has been that it is possible to do it in a way that is psychologically healthy for you, but also very easy to do it in a way that may retraumatize you or reinforce feelings of self-loathing, self-destructive tendencies, etc. The latter is, in my experience, *not a good thing.* Really, really not. I'm glad I had a T who was willing to let me talk about these things, and explore my motivations, to make sure that what I was doing was satisfying for me but also healthy.

Exactly. Which is why I've been hesitant to pursue a relationship. I've been talking to other people who are into this on other sites. Specifically much older subs who lost their virginity after being fully aware of their sexual urges towards submission and masochism. I was raising the question about being so sexually inexperienced and nervous yet all of my sexual fantasies involve at least some sort of bondage and verbal degradation. I was wondering if I should attempt to pursue a vanilla relationship first because of my inexperience and fear of intimacy. They all uniformly told me that once I do get into my first relationship, absolutely any sexual elements will probably be alluring and fun. However, my fantasies will come back after the initial novelty wears off which could be very quickly and I will be left wanting more. I don't think it's fair to me or anyone I'd get with to be dishonest about this. I don't want to knowingly go into a relationship that will ultimately fail because of sexual incompatibility or fall prey to a predator or find a very good and compassionate Dom who innocently traumatizes me.

I actually do feel ready to find a trauma T. I am going to start to look again. I am just holding off the search a little bit because i'm overwhelmed by the search to be honest.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm an s. You need to say it's hard for you to be in a relationship because your fantasis are different from others. It took almost 3 years for me to tell my last T. I'm sure it's in my notes. Cutting is sexual no matter why it's done. It gives you the release like an orgasm. You can tell her you don't want a relationship because you're exploring your own sexuality.

In bold ~
Im sorry , That is not true, Cutting is done for many reasons they are certainly not all connected to anything sexual.

Growli, I hope that your LC is supportive. As most everyone is saying.. BSDM is fine and great, you just do need to be careful, that's all, careful.

[divine1966]

I would probably try to date people who aren't s/m first maybe even have sex and then proceed with s/m? I am not sure about your first contact being s/m? Be careful regardless what you decide to do

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[growlithing]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I would probably try to date people who aren't s/m first maybe even have sex and then proceed with s/m? I am not sure about your first contact being s/m? Be careful regardless what you decide to do

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My point isn't that I'm looking for an immediate answer to this. Issues like that are just something that has been seriously bothering me for a very very long time.

LCM asked me over a year ago while I was still in patient if I was bisexual. I said that I am not but that I believe sexuality is fluid and that I would be accepting of myself if I did meet a woman I was attracted to. I asked her why and she said that I seem sexually "scattered" to her because I was pretty sexually overt in groups but "not towards anything specific". Still not sure what she means by that. But I am sexually scattered. I dream of very "violent" sex but am so afraid sex in general. I don't know how much I want to carry outside of the bedroom. I inflict pain on myself and I love it, but then I feel so guilty for it. I'm not making any immediate choices concerning what type of relationship I want to start out with and in what context I want to lose my virginity, but I do think I need to start talking about all of this before I end up in a bad situation.

[FranzJosef]

As for whether you are dominant or submissive, I feel you should be free to experiment with both sides.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by FranzJosef

As for whether you are dominant or submissive, I feel you should be free to experiment with both sides.

I don't feel constrained to one or the other. I just don't have any urge at the moment to be a top. Maybe that will change in the future, but all I know is where I am today.

I texted her last night that I know she wanted to for this week's session, take me to a mall and talk to me about clothing and what I would be comfortable wearing, but that I really need to sit down with her and talk to her about "something very important to me that is kind of really difficult to talk about". She said we can absolutely plan instead to discuss what I need to tell her, and I feel really insanely nervous to talk to "mom" about my deep love for bondage and masochism, but at the same time, so deeply relieved that I'm not lying to myself about this part of me anymore. I feel like I just took off a bra that was too tight.

[SkyscraperMeow]

You probably won't appreciate this input, but I have to give it.

1. There's nothing wrong with your desires.

2. BUT. Those desires *will* put you at significant risk of being used and abused under the guise of BDSM. People who come to BDSM with pre-existing emotional issues are the equivalent of a bleeding antelope in the middle of the Savannah.

Think about it for a second. What sort of person is likely to be attracted to spanking, biting, humiliating, striking, etc, another person? Tops / dominants are often sadists. Some of them are sane, but a lot are not. There are a significant number of 'tops' out there who seek out people who are basically bleeding on the inside and seek to make them bleed on the outside.

So I would caution you to please, please wait to explore this until you are absolutely certain that you are centered within yourself because unless you are, you will almost certainly be hurt in a way you will never come back from.

I have seen it happen many, many times. Therapy can be damaging with the wrong therapist. BDSM is the same, but even more intensely magnified.

BDSM is not a place to find security or safety or being taken care of. Under ideal circumstances, yes, you will find those things, but coming to it from a place of extreme need is a surefire way to get hurt.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

You probably won't appreciate this input, but I have to give it.


1. There's nothing wrong with your desires.


2. BUT. Those desires *will* put you at significant risk of being used and abused under the guise of BDSM. People who come to BDSM with pre-existing emotional issues are the equivalent of a bleeding antelope in the middle of the Savannah.


Think about it for a second. What sort of person is likely to be attracted to spanking, biting, humiliating, striking, etc, another person? Tops / dominants are often sadists. Some of them are sane, but a lot are not. There are a significant number of 'tops' out there who seek out people who are basically bleeding on the inside and seek to make them bleed on the outside.


So I would caution you to please, please wait to explore this until you are absolutely certain that you are centered within yourself because unless you are, you will almost certainly be hurt in a way you will never come back from.


I have seen it happen many, many times. Therapy can be damaging with the wrong therapist. BDSM is the same, but even more intensely magnified.


BDSM is not a place to find security or safety or being taken care of. Under ideal circumstances, yes, you will find those things, but coming to it from a place of extreme need is a surefire way to get hurt.

This may surprise you, but I actually agree with you. Completely. Except that I don't think that all sexual sadists are evil or not "sane". I think there is a spectrum, but that a "true" sadist would be a truly dangerous person.

And actually, that is the reason why I want to start talking about this to LCM. I do not think that this aspect of myself is ever gonna change and I think if you aren't extremely careful, it can easily blur the line between fun consensual play and extremely dangerous abuse.

I'm not looking to rush into this or be reckless. I just want to be honest with myself about myself and extremely careful.

[growlithing]

I'm seeing her in 10 hours. I texted her a few days ago that I really need to talk to her about something and it will be tough for me. I asked her to help me stay on track. She said she will. I'm really nervous. Idk why. She already knows about this a little bit. I was pretty sexually overt in the groups she led while I was in patient. I guess that was different because I didn't have the same ultra strong maternal transference yet and it was in front of a group.