LONG POST: Reaction Formation, the rejection of my own sexual orientation.

Since about the age of 16 (I'm 26, now) I've been heavily questioning my sexuality. I'm a man, born a man, I've never been anything other than a man-- that's not a condemnation towards transgendered/transsexual people (I grew up in rural Pennsylvania, please forgive my lack of knowledge towards the terminology-- I see words like "cis" thrown around a lot but heavens help me I don't know what it means-- but I want to.) and I'm comfortable being a man. But as far back as the age of... I don't know, 12, maybe, it was very early in my life but ever since then I've had little bits and pieces of sexual confusion that have haunted me all my life.

It really started in high school at about age 17 with details I'm not comfortable disclosing, but I'll tell you this: I didn't engage in any sexual activity until I was 25, masturbation aside, of course. That is to say, I was a virgin until the age of 25, last year around this time I lost it, accurately speaking-- but I'll come back to that.

Anyway, I'm a bigger guy (around 230 pounds), I have a lot facial hair and body hair and I fit into the category of gay men I suppose they call "bears," and I've always been attracted to men who fit into that category-- again, starting at a young age, my favorite actor was Bob Hoskins (who passed away last year) but there's always been this part of me that strives to be 'normal.'

My parents have always been pretty progressive. My Mom is a lapsed Catholic who never talks about God or religion or anything and she has a number of lesbian friends and my father is a part of one of those new age Baptist churches that openly welcomes and accepts gay people as part of their congregation citing anti-gay religious literature as "sorely outdated." Nobody in my family has a problem with gay people, and in fact they're all pretty connected to the gay community in a loosely affiliated but very friendly way.

That is except, for me. It seems everyone around me, my friends, my family, my brother himself-- they all know I'm gay. Everyone seems to know I'm gay except for me. For some reason I can't come to accept it. I keep pushing it back, I keep suppressing my urges, which are of a strictly sexual nature, down, down, down. Last year around this time I met a girl online and I engaged in very vanilla sexual intercourse with her-- it was my first sexual experience outside masturbation and I was completely unable to achieve orgasm. I actually had to try and fake an orgasm during my first sexual experience.

I thought by having sex with a woman the thoughts would go away, and for a little while, it did-- but it was simply because my mind was so exhausted by how disgusted I was by the whole experience. Soon the dark thoughts returned and I found myself in gay chatrooms again, watching gay pornographic videos and... well, I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about-- the usual harmless 'after dark' activity some of us enjoy-- sexting, pic exchange, whatever.

I have a great sense of self-image. Like, I don't want to sound vain, but I think of myself as a good looking guy and almost every guy I've ever chatted with says how cute I am. So I'm pretty well acquainted with my local gay community as well and they're pretty accepting of me. But why, why, do I hate the fact that I have these urges and furthermore why can't I just let myself act upon them? I'm 26 and I have the hormones of an 18 year old watching late night Cinemax. It doesn't make any sense.

One of my friends said to me: "Dude, everybody knows you're gay except for you."

I was sitting with another friend and he brought it up and I tried to change the direction of the conversation and he said something like "Look, if you're attracted to men then you're attracted to men, man it's okay." And I just flipped ****, I knocked a cup off of the end table and it slammed the wall as I yelled "NO, IT IS NOT OKAY!" Thankfully he's really laid back and he just reacted by raising his eyebrows curiously. I tell all my friends who attempt to bring it up that I have "a devil on my back." Not in a religious sense, but more in the sense of like being addicted to heroin or crack-- that's how it feels.

If I can somehow find a therapist I'm going to have to explain all this and when the therapist says something like "So, you want to accept yourself as a homosexual?" I'm going to say "No, I want to make that part of me die, and that's what you're here to help me do." But I know it won't work. There's no escape. I've been running and I'm going to be running for a very, very long time.

It's not fair. I don't want to be gay. I don't want any part of it. But it's like a gaping chasm that's beckoning me, the jaws of Cerberus pulling me in. I'm doing everything in my power right now to block it out-- I've changed my appearance completely to distance myself from the image I associate with my 'gay persona' and I'm keeping my distance from any triggers that might set off the gay persona. There's so many triggers it gets hard to block them all out. It's like the walls are closing in.

Just to clear a few things up…

I am not religious. I enjoy religious literature of the Buddhist, Taoist and Golden Dawn varieties as I've always found them fun to read, but do I believe in any of it? No, not really. I suppose spiritually speaking I'm agnostic.

The incidents in high school, which I know I'll be asked about that I don't want to elaborate on-- let's just say that in my senior year I encountered a very rare archetype: an openly gay bully who really made me upset with just... a lot of things.

My parents, family, friends and my brother don't care if anyone is gay-- as I've stated they're all very progressive and whatnot and many members of our family are gay-- is it possible there's some sort of genetic thing in my blood, like, that's just how I am?

Oh, and most importantly, I usually feel great about the idea of engaging in gay activities but then after I've masturbated I feel guilty, deeply ashamed of myself and I retreat into isolation for several hours. This of course has variables.

My parents divorced when I was six, this had a profound impact on my life-- a lot more than it should have probably, considering they remained good friends for a time after until relations eventually broke down, completely. However, my father was largely absent most days of the week of my childhood and as Freud might say 'an absent father' might have something to do with it.

Of the Jungian Archetypes, the one that fits me best is decidedly the Shadow Lover-- more accurately, the Mama's Boy, then further down that list I'm leaning towards the Addicted Lover as I've often wondered if my repressed homosexuality is some sort of addiction. I know that the biological makeup in me means that I've always been this way one way or another I just want to work through it.

I'm on several prescription medications for anxiety and depression as well as hyperactivity and I don't do any illegal drugs. I'm a light smoker of cigarettes but pretty much only when I drink alcohol-- which is fairly rare as it often interferes with the medications I take in way that's not fun at all so I generally avoid it. In spite of all this, I still can't figure out why I'm so reluctant to do what I know I need to do.

Someone once said I had the worst case of reaction formation they'd ever seen, regarding the way I treat my sexuality and they couldn't figure out why I'm punishing myself (their words, not mine) the way I am. But there's just not a whole lot to say, it seems everyone I tell says the same thing: Just accept yourself. I want to, I really do, but I don't, and I won't want to in the hours following masturbation.

Let me give you an example of how I feel post-masturbation.

I never asked for this. I don't want to be gay. I do everything in my power to suppress those thoughts and sometimes it works and I'll go for months without an incident. An incident is when I start hanging out in gay chatrooms, gay apps, gay message boards-- it's not supposed to be this way. I'm a man. I don't care how progressive my family is or if society is so willing to accept me for being gay-- I don't want to be gay.

I don't want to have any sexuality. I don't wish to feel sexual desire. There's no need for it for someone like me. All it is a nuisance. Oh, sure. My friends all said the same thing: "You need to get laid, dude." Okay, great. So I went out and did just that and it was probably the worst experience of my life. I thought it would end this seemingly endless masturbatory cycle I'm in but no, all it did was throw a wrench in the gears and make things more complicated. I don't want this. I don't want any of this. This is an asinine thing to chase.

What makes me even more mad is that in about one hour, maybe less, I'll feel better about the whole thing-- I'll say to myself "Oh, I just need to accept my homosexual desires," but then the cycle will start all over again. Or maybe, just maybe I'll be able to keep the dark thoughts of engaging in homosexual relations down for some time, time enough to get work done, time enough to enjoy what little of a social life I have left. This is absolute insanity.

No therapist has ever been able to give me any other advice than "Well, you need to experiment," or "You need to be able to accept yourself for who you are," BUT THAT'S NOT WHO I AM. I grew up in a time when I was told I could do anything I wanted with my life. Well I want to vanquish these gay thoughts and be done with sexuality in total forever. This is not summer camp, I'm not some horny teenager, anymore. I'm a grown man with an underused overactive libido and I'm starting to think the best way to stop this is through castration. I've thought about it, before. I'll continue to think about it.

I suppose it is what it is. Perhaps I'm some sort of sexual anomaly. I guess that's okay.

These days I'm largely ostracized by my local online gay community for my indecisiveness, ostracized by the frat boys, the nerds... everybody. All because of my oddball sexuality-- or rather my own twisted self-image of sexuality. Time makes one bitter. Bitterness turns to distance and isolation and I'm okay with that.

At this point it's what it's always been: Watching myself lose my mind on the internet. So many people think I'm lying about what I say. It's often pontificated that "there's no reason behind my feelings that aren't religiously based," or "there's no reason behind my feelings that aren't because of the people you grew up with and their archaic views," though as I've said, nothing behind my feelings is based in either of those things. I come from a progressive family. My friends understand. They all understand. But I do not understand. Why am I tortured so much by something that so many are so ready to accept in others yet I cannot accept in myself?

Circles, it's all gone in circles for so long. I regret it all and wish I could wash away the sad, regretful memories that came with it. This is not who I am. I'm just an oddity. No one believes me. Sometimes on the web I'll hear whispers from others who seem to suffer similarly but it's not long before someone cries "you're a troll!" Or "you're a shadow conservative evangelist!" I can tell when they are and when they're not. And try as I might to reach out their pleas for help are snuffed out all too quickly by a landslide of unrelated arguments.

I cannot run from who I am, but I can run from who I am not.