Please help me

Hello, everyone. I'm glad that I found this community because I have a problem that I've been dealing with for a long time and this is the first instance in which I've felt like telling other people about it because I just can't deal with it by myself anymore.

Something about me, that I've never revealed to anyone before, is that I have a death fetish. It's something I've had with me for a while and I've always struggled with dealing with it. For the longest time, I was terrified about what it said about me as a person, that I was sick or twisted or any some other horrible thing. At one point, after finding a community of people on the internet in the se boat. This is not something I chose , or wanted for myself, but finding people who appeared relatively normal and had the same thing I did made me able to come to terms with it. Everyone has their thing and this was mine. I didn't like it but I accepted it for a while.

The problem is, and this has caused stretches in my life where I can hardly function, is that maybe somewhere along the line, over the years, I stumbled across a real snuff film in my service of this fetish and that I unwittingly liked it. I never looked for anything real and I have no desire at all to hurt anyone but I can't get that fear out of my head. I always figured that it was all fake but I feel like I can't know for sure and if my fears are true, I'm not sure if it's something I can move past or if I even deserve to. I'm tired of keeping this to myself and I'm tired of feeling like I'm lying to the people around me about who i am.

I like to think I'm not a terrible person, that this is me being irrational and overly frightened but this is something that I think could break me if I don't get it off of my chest. I'd give anything for another person to tell me they get it, that I'm not alone, or that I can get past this. But I just don't know anymore. Sometimes, I'm able to calm myself down and not worry about it for a few weeks or even longer but eventually I stray back to the same thoughts and I while I try to stop myself from succumbing to this compulsion, I seem to always end up giving in and the fear perpetuates.

Any advice that anyone has to give would be greatly appreciated. I just can't keep this to myself anymore and that's why I'm here.

Hi SmokingtoBreathe,

Getting this off your chest is certainly a positive step. It is your fetish, something that's a part of you. There's industry for it, which logically displays that you aren't alone. Although it's not my personal taste, I do appreciate and understand how it's not something you can casually bring up in a coffee shop.

I hope you find support and acceptance here, at PC.

Hi SmokingToBreathe, I'm sure you've seen the movie, 8mm? In that movie there are tons of fake snuff films and I think that's probably an accurate depiction of the industry. How would you know what you saw wasn't a good fake? I'm trying to put your mind at rest.

Many years ago I watched some porn that left me with a very uncomfortable feeling. Some of the things out there really aren't that great to see in the longer run.

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you are feeling anxious about dark thoughts. I heard this program on it that talks about 3 or 4 different kinds of therapy dealing with dark thoughts. Even though they seem really dark they have no real power.
Dark Thoughts : NPR

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

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Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

I remember watching a series called faces of death when I was younger with some friends. It was one of these things that was banned so we thought we were "cool" watching it.

It was basically real life recordings of death, from newspapers, internet videos and so on. There was nothing sexual about it, but some images just stay with you. A fascination with death really is a part of the human condition, at the lowest level, religions are really just people trying to think about it

I deeply appreciate the responses everyone. Thank you very much. I apologize for taking so long to respond, it's as if I need to work up the nerve to post in here if that makes any sense.

Sorry for the double post but I had something I wanted to add onto the original post. This isn't the only problem I have and I struggle with anxiety. Some amateur online research makes me think I might have an anxiety disorder (namely OCD, but obviously I'm not sure). I've thought about seeing a professional to help me deal with the problems I outlined already and some other things that stress me out and make me anxious. I was just wondering if anyone had any experience in this regard, not with my exact issue per se but something similar?

As I said earlier, while I'm far from perfect, I think I'm a decent person and want to believe that I can help, that I deserve to be helped but I'm kind of worried about what I'll find out if I go to see somebody. It's one thing to post here and another to sit across from another human being and let the words actually come out of my mouth. My biggest fear is that I'll be told "you're screwed in the head and there's no helping you." or something of that nature. As always, I'd be very greatful for any advice that anyone has to offer. Thank you.