Help me identify myself? (longish post)

I've only just started looking into sexual identities, and there is so much information and grey areas- it's all pretty confusing. I thought I'd post here and have the pros help me with what I'd be called.

I've concluded that I'm demisexual at least... either that or somewhere between demisexual and asexual, which is how I ended up on this site.

I only develop any kind of attraction (sexual or romantic) to someone I'm already good friends with or have known for a long time... I include kissing in "sexual attraction". I've tried dating people I'm not already attracted to, seeing if anything would develop, and it never does that way. It was also only after I've dated quite a few times that I started realizing that I might be different from the "norm", because apparently I never act up to my dating partner's expectations.

I can't do one night stands or even sexual behavior with someone I'm not already attracted to myself first (that must have developed over time, being demi).

I have crushes, but also only after I've gotten to know or observe the person for awhile- it's never right off the bat. I imagine holding hands and light touching and the person reciprocating my crush/attraction, but I'm not a fan of cuddling or being extremely grabby.

The idea of vaginal sex that includes myself totally repulses me. I don't want anything to do with it.

But I do like to please my partner sexually to arouse/satisfy them in other ways (other than vaginal sex), and that makes me happy and arouses me. But I don't need them to do the same to me in return.

I'm also pretty confused with what defines "romantic attraction" and "sexual attraction". It's all just "attraction or not" to me. There's either attraction or there's no attraction, and attraction (for me) includes both a desire to please them sexually AND being intimate with light touching or holding hands and being mentally close. Never one or the other.

I don't desire sexual behavior without attraction, and I don't feel attraction without desiring sexual behavior.

... Maybe that had a lot of info that has nothing to do with it. But like I said, I'm pretty confused what matters and what doesn't.

Demi- I don't think there is anything wrong with getting to know someone before having sexual attraction. So you also said you don't like vaginal sex. Are you still a virgin ? Are you comfortable with oral sex but not penetration ? Do you not like your body touched at all ? I'm the last person to define normal. I'm a sexual masochist. I went to a sex therapist for three weeks and although I didn't find it helpful it may answer some of your questions. I don't think what you have said here is unworkable with the right partner,patience and maybe an open mind with a sex therapist. Good luck.

Hello demidog: I cannot respond to your concerns. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi Demi, and welcome to PC!

We're not experts.

How old are you? Are you attracted to same or opposite sex?

You sound a lot like me when I was very young and innocent, just learning about my own sexuality.

I'm not sure you are anything that requires a label.

Hi guys! I'm actually 24, so not incredibly young haha. I'm attracted to the opposite sex for the most part, had a boyfriend in the past and only had sex once, but I am not doing that again.

For the most part, yes having my body touched in any sexual way repulses me, unless from someone I'm already very close to. I really can happily go through the rest of my life without vaginal sex.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with not wanting to be touched in a sexual way unless you feel safe and close with somebody. As far as the vaginal sex goes maybe you had a troubling experience and you are afraid. What if you had an understanding boyfriend who didn't rush you ? I bet that would help you feel more secure. I would also go talk to the sex therapist about it. I don't think it could hurt the situation. I wish I would have sought help when I was young for my sexual masochism. Maybe I could have had a normal sex life ? Maybe you could if you talk to a specialist about the issue. Best of luck.

Are you curious about why vaginal sex repulses you? Can you trace the repulsion to any past events? Can it be related to the consequences of vaginal sex? Did you play house etc. when you had a child, i.e. did you go through a period of wanting to have a baby when you were a young girl?

I agree^. It is fine to be asexual. But if it came from trauma, a therapist might help.

Sex wasn't a troubling experience in a traumatic kind of way. This might be going into TMI, but I was very excited to please my boyfriend, but already anticipating actual sex, because vaginal sex was never something I desired. When it finally came to it, it just HURT a LOT (I'm sure is probably normal) and completely turned me off rather than on, which apparently is what most people want. I just told him that I couldn't do it, and we ended up doing it a different way instead (trying to keep it not too TMI here). It was terrible for him, but I'm NOT having that. I really never did... something about vaginal sex also just makes me imagine that I'm busting my internal organs and isn't appealing at all lol.

Is it asexual though if I am still turned on in other ways and to please my partner sexually? I still don't know.

Anyway forgot to respond, no I didn't want a baby or played house ever. I actually don't want a baby now either lol. I liked to be a tomboy as a little girl, from 5~12 years, and liked pretending to be animals though.

I would say no you are not asexual. You are simply scared of vaginal sex.

Dear Demidog,

"I'm also pretty confused with what defines "romantic attraction" and "sexual attraction". It's all just "attraction or not" to me."
--I think some people are "romantics", for me, love without romance can never last long. When I think of sexual attraction only, I think of a one-night stand. If I learn someone is uncaring, I get repulsed by them and run the other way. Good sex is something that doesn't happen everytime anyways. It's like the stars have to line up correctly or something. Don't be turned off if it's not great everytime.

"When it finally came to it, it just HURT a LOT (I'm sure is probably normal) and completely turned me off rather than on"
--I don't remember this every happening to me. Though I was drunk my very first time (Could be a first time time thing?) But maybe you just weren't sufficiently turned on before you tried. Sex is not that good for women until we are sufficently aroused making things get "slippery" down there. You just sound afraid. I was afraid my first time. I've done a lot of things just because I wanted to please my partner. Sometimes they were not enjoyable at first but over time, I started enjoying it all, more and more. I wouldn't worry about your sexual identity--it might change over the course of time. And what you like may change too. It's all good if you have a gentle partner.

You seem like you are on the right track because want to be friends with the people you have sex with. I think that is a great practice to have!