Would you confront your abuser?

I'm considering it. I have sexual issues - mostly just this awful feeling of dread before having sex with my husband that never goes away - and I've tried everything I can think of to get over it. My husband is great, and very understanding. I have no complaints about him, so why this awful feeling regarding sex? I know it's because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother and step-father. I don't know exactly how it went down, but it's been apparent to me that she was getting something in return from him for looking the other way when he tried to molest me.

I honestly don't know if I was raped or how far it went. I can't even tell you how many times it happened, or how long it went on. I don't think very long. Lord knows, what I do remember, I sure fought him off enough times.

The last conversation I had with him I was 25 (30 years ago) and he felt the need to inform me that he fantasized about me while he masturbated. I informed him if he ever came near me again, I'd kill him.

Now I want to confront him, but I don't want to sink to his level. I've decided to write him a letter - not expecting anything from him - at all.

Is this a good idea? My T says don't send it, but I did with my mom a decade or so ago, and it's the only thing I've ever done that put a chink in her armor. Otherwise, they say I just make stuff up. Meh.

Yes, write a letter, confess all your feelings, your anger, your frustrations, your fears, how this has affected you and your partner, what you want resolved from this....then seal it...and never, ever send it.

I've written very heartfelt letters to friends who have hurt me but I've never sent them. It's not about them, it's about me and how I feel about the situation. They don't need to know how I feel, they probably wouldn't think twice about it if I sent them or they may send back a letter that could be potentially more hurtful than what had hurt me to begin with.

Here's what I'd do, write the letter, explain everything and act as if you're speaking or writing directly to him, put it in an envelope addressed to "Dad", seal it, then stick it in a safe place. I doubt you'd find resolve by actually sending it. He won't get any satisfaction in the letter, only you will, so write it and keep it.

My initial reaction when I read your Q was the (all too familiar) feeling of panic and doom. Yet, I pressed myself to read this post regardless, to see if I *could* help. That must be a positive sign for me, right?

I believe that writing the letter about how you are feeling about these deep, unhappy and hurt memories might bring you a sense of closure. LiteraryLark is so much better at explanations and descriptions than I am!

At this point, I've written a 'first draft', and it's pretty dark. I still see no reason not to send the letter, though. I'm not expecting anything from him. He's had decades to apologize and never has. He wrote me a letter shortly after our last conversation trying to convince me that nothing happened and I still have it - I kept it to remind myself how dangerous he really is. I plan to send it back to him.

He's too old now to do much harm, and even if he tries, I have recourse's I didn't have back then.

I confronted one of my abusers & the situation was very different. I was young & did it more out of revenge. I confronted him the night before he got married.
Touché.
Put what you need to into the letter. Seal it. Hang onto it & see if this act brings you closure you're looking for.
Then ask why it did or why it did not. Then decide what you'd like to do.
If you're not expecting anything from him....what if he does decide to reply. Are you ready for that.

If he replies, it doesn't matter. I don't trust anything he says. I doubt he'll even admit to himself what happened, much less to me. It's much too late for remorse and 'sorrys'. Nothing he could say could make me feel any better or worse. What I am hoping will make me feel better is telling him just how disgusting he is and how much I want him dead. I think I would get a great deal of satisfaction from that. My hope is that it will alleviate some of the rage.

I like what you said about hanging on to it for awhile before making a decision. I think that's the wisest course for me. Thank you!

WW

I hate to play devils advocate here, but I'm thinking yes sending it could give you relief & grief.
What if he replies & twists all ur words around & basically belittles you, your feelings, emotions etc etc.
He'd have that last word. Knowing my nature I'd hate that & hate all the self doubt that might start again.
But that is just me & my thinking. He sounds like he won't admit it & just try to blame you.
Would you be strong enough for that?
You just don't want this to be a setback in your progress.

Do you have a support system?

Of course he'd twist my words and try to belittle you. He can only do that if I let him. Just because he responds, doesn't mean I have to read it. They already try to blame me, so that's nothing new.

Yes I have a strong support system. They're mixed in their opinions, which is why I asked the question here.

When I was first in therapy and my poor therapist was trying to get me to see that what I thought was normal and okay really really wasn't -- I had a similar urge. It took months for me to even think about cutting him out of my life but once I felt it was possible, I wanted to do the same thing. I wanted to write out every awful thing and what consequences his selfish actions had caused for me and my future but I'd get awful angry texts from him before I even finished a rough draft so I gave up.

There's no world in which he cares.

I agree with what the others have said. Write it for you. Then find a way that'll satisfy the rage. I don't think dropping it in a mailbox will do it for you. You'll wonder did he get it, did he read it, was your voice heard, and you've got that here. We've heard you. Your support system has heard you.

He will never hear you.

So burn the letter. Rip it up. Destroy it and destroy him out of your life and keep moving forward.

That's my two cents. I wish the best for you.

What I really want is for my sexual issues to go away. It just seems to me if therapy isn't working, maybe I just need to confront him. There really isn't anything he can do to hurt me unless I let him.

It takes time. Its not that your brains just holding out until you have this throw down. Its that you've got to retrain your body and mind and then accept those changes as your new default. You've got to get to a point where your fears are challenged and ultimately defeated and replaced with healthy attitudes. Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense. I think there are some things that just can't be overcome. Not after decades of trying...

One of my abusers is my ex husband and I have this overwhelming feeling of hurt whenever I have to talk to him now since we have kids. I don't feel the need to confront him because mentally he doesn't believe what he did was wrong. SO personally in my situation I feel it be a waist of time and energy.

Werewoman - I have been where you are. My sexual abuse from the past affects my married sex now. I have only been married to my H for 22 years. I finally told him 3 years ago what happened in my past with sexual abuse. That didn't help things in the bedroom, but at least he knows and knows why I cry when we have sex, and why I can't do certain things, and he can't say certain things.

I have been in T for this going on 4 years. The abuse affects me today like it happened yesterday. In T the counselor had me write my story with abuse, one event at a time. I choose one event and wrote about it. I used all the words I could to describe everything to the best of my ability. The colors, the floor, the walls, the smells, the taste, the sensations, my fears, what my inner thoughts were.

Until you work threw what your ears heard, and what your eyes saw, what your nose smelled, what things tasted like, and how you felt and what you thought, it is hard to get past it. Each sense has it's own memory. You have to give each sense a voice.

I wrote what happened and went over each sense. Then I took that and let my T read it. Eventually I let my H read it to. Then I wrote what my abuser stole from me. My ability to trust, to love, to have sex, to feel safe and so on. I was to write it as if I was talking directly to him.

After that I wrote what I would do if I could do something now. If there were no laws, no morally correct, no guidelines, what would I do to him to make him feel like I felt.

Lastly I took the power back by writing a series of things to take the power back and not give that power to him. I put this in the form of a letter to. Ex. You took from me the ability to love, or so you thought, now I am happily married. You stole my ability to feel safe, yet I can go outside at night now, so you didn't really have that ability. I will not let you steal from me my joy and zeal for life.

After that I jsut kept it in a note book. I went threw each situation I was in with this man, and did all those steps with each event. Maybe that will help you. But I would not do that with out hte help of a trained T.

Now when my H and I have sex, I still don;t like it. But I don;t cry, and I don't throw up. He knows my boundaries. I have learned how to cope with sex. Many good techniques. I donlt think I should share those on the forums but I would be more then happy to PM u if you would like. There are things you can do to help. Stupid little stuff like wearing socks. Or wearing a shirt. Setting a timer so you will know that it will stop.
That helped me lots. There are many other things you can do.

Good luck with this. We are all here if you need us. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Please don;t hesitate to PM me if I can help in any way. After all the crap that has happened to me, the last key to healing is to share and help others. If there is no other good that can come from this, the ability to relate to others in the same situation has been the silver lining.

Yes because I'm not afraid anymore…

i have to say I was raped and sexually assualted seven years ago and I recently posted my abuser a letter of how he made me suffer but I also added he had no control or fear over me anymore and even though I would always remember what he did i looked at me sending the letter as healing and closure for me I did ask him one question but not sure if I would ever get a reply. Do what is best for you listen to no one else for I had loads of people telling me no and it takes a lot of courage to do something like that.

God bless!