[rufiki]

OK, this is hard to talk about. I started 4 times and erased them all yesterday. Please bear with me.

I 1st met my girlfriend when I was 20 and she was 16. I was living with a buxom blonde girl, and we were new in town, and she and her best friend were the 1st people we met. She was quite chubby, small breasts, big bottom, short, with dark hair and a loud voice, the exact opposite of the girl I was dating. And she quickly let me know she wanted me. Her and her friend hung out with us every day, and she would constantly tell me how much nicer her little breasts were than my blonde's big ones and all the sexual stuff she would do to me. Her friend backed her up, saying she was very popular sexually at school and apparently very talented. I'm a good guy, and laughed it off, nothing ever happened.

But I never forgot her, nobody ever talked to me like that and one day, 31 years later, I found her on facebook. We hit it off immediately, and began a sort of long distance, phone relationship. We fell in love on the phone over the next 3 months before we could get together to meet in person. During this time, I asked about that summer 31 years before and she admitted she was quite a slut, her self-image was based on how many guys she slept with and so she slept with anyone who asked. OK, we're adults now, doesn't bother me. Then she told me all those talents she talked about were true, she even had some guys give her oral sex lessons when she was 15. She made many of the same promises as before. And she said she hadn't had sex with a man in 10 years, and was really excited. (She'd been having a relationship with a woman until a few months before this.)

My problem is this. We're older now, and some of the things she used to do are hard for her now. Her jaw hurts, most positions are hard for her, etc....
I'm very attracted to her physically, but she is troubled by body issues, so getting her to do anything, even wear bikini panties, is out of the question. After the 1st month of pretty good sex, it got rarer and rarer. We've been living together for 5 years now, but have sex 3-4 times a year. This is difficult for me, because I can't really masturbate, it never really works for me. So I'm very pent up when we do have sex, and explode in less than a minute. My girlfriend has been sick for several months now, so obviously sex is out for now. The last time we had sex was Feb 13, 7 months ago. We were actually in a hotel last May, with plans for sex, when she started puking and she's been sick since.

My point is this: I have this woman who has convinced me she is the sexiest woman for me. She's gone out of her way to tell me about her sexual exploits in the past and created scenarios where she does them to me. I know she's done them with lots of other guys, when we 1st got together I met her friends and they would tell stories about her crazy past, some of which were incredible. So what happened? Why the sudden change? I don't really care about all those other guys, I just want to be one of them, if that makes sense. I'm jealous, I feel like I got cheated of something I was promised. I know we get older, and there's menopause, and all. I really do love her. But I'm a man, and I'm also attracted to her. 2 weeks ago she was home from the hospital for a week (she's in a rehab center now), and she asked me to give her a sponge bath. It drove me crazy, I was incredibly turned on, especially washing her breasts, and she noticed my erection and berated me for feeling that way when she was sick. I couldn't help it, and honestly, I can't wait for her to come home so I can wash her again. It's all I've got right now.

Sorry this has gone on so long. I'm just confused and feeling sorry for myself. I saw this forum and thought I might get this off my chest, it was harder than I thought.

[Artchic528]

Oh my, your situation is a rather difficult one. I don't honestly know what to say, but know that you've been heard and that I'm listening if you need an ear.

[Trippin2.0]

I would feel cheated too.

Don't really know what to say either...

Maybe its time you adjust your expectations I guess.

So sorry rufiki

[winter loneliness]

If she is in rehab, it could be that before she went, she lost her sex drive. Why did she go to rehab?

[rufiki]

She is in rehab because she basically starved herself for 3 months and is very weak and has lost the feeling in a lot of her body. Obviously she is in no condition to have sex now, but I'm hopeful that we can someday return to a halfway normal life. Her recent physical issues started in May, but the "I don't feel like it tonight", started almost 6 years ago. I just can't figure out why she tried so hard to impress me with her sexual abilities and then, poof! her desire is gone. It's like turning off Niagara Falls, She spent her whole life unable to get enough sex, and the minute we become intimate, She's had enough? It's not helping my ego any. It's the kind of thing that really gets into your head.

I’m unclear about your jealousy?

You’re jealous because she enjoyed a high sex drive and had various exciting sexual experiences but now that she’s older - and ill - she just isn’t ready to rock your world often?

Okay, so maybe she was trying to impress you with her exploits. But ya gotta realize the whole that-was-then crap and it sounds as if she’s not as happy with her body as she was three decades in the past.

My experience as a total-slut-freak is that we seek out our own and that norms die suddenly if we’re honest with them. It seems that you’re a norm, maybe excited by the whole slut-girl story, and jealous and with a crunched-ego because Jeannie ain’t wearin’ those slit-skirts no more?

The sponge-bath erection is odd. To me. She came to you with stories of sexual prowess beyond the pale but won’t pole-dance for you. Not even an Erotic Dance with Cornbread.

I think that you both share some responsibility in this... problem. She seemed to promise to be your slut and you, unrealistically, expected the same. When things didn’t turn out as expected, you have a damaged ego.

From what I’ve read, I don’t see a couple engaged in honest conversation about sex. I believe that’s true for most mono/mono/hetero couples.

My advice would be to begin honest conversations: start with the ‘I felt hurt when my briefs were bursting as I bathed you whilst you were ill.’ Follow that with, ‘I was really an idiot to think that an ill person would hop from the tub to care for my raging dinky.’

I mean, you had - and seem to have had for some time - unrealistic expectations of this woman. And, yes, she was complicit in establishing those expectations. It’s time to have that talk, too.

My impure mind cannot imagine an act between a male and female that would have been performed two decades ago with one partner that could not be repeated with a contemporaneous partner. Can you name one?

You and your mate are poles apart. Time to come together, I think.

[winter loneliness]

Is she also psychotic and delusional? I just read your first post.

Because that is a different issue altogether. If she is on psych meds, that also affects libido. Bipolar affects libido. And physical disability affects libido.

[rufiki]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

I’m unclear about your jealousy?

You’re jealous because she enjoyed a high sex drive and had various exciting sexual experiences but now that she’s older - and ill - she just isn’t ready to rock your world often?

Okay, so maybe she was trying to impress you with her exploits. But ya gotta realize the whole that-was-then crap and it sounds as if she’s not as happy with her body as she was three decades in the past.

My experience as a total-slut-freak is that we seek out our own and that norms die suddenly if we’re honest with them. It seems that you’re a norm, maybe excited by the whole slut-girl story, and jealous and with a crunched-ego because Jeannie ain’t wearin’ those slit-skirts no more?

The sponge-bath erection is odd. To me. She came to you with stories of sexual prowess beyond the pale but won’t pole-dance for you. Not even an Erotic Dance with Cornbread.

I think that you both share some responsibility in this... problem. She seemed to promise to be your slut and you, unrealistically, expected the same. When things didn’t turn out as expected, you have a damaged ego.

From what I’ve read, I don’t see a couple engaged in honest conversation about sex. I believe that’s true for most mono/mono/hetero couples.

My advice would be to begin honest conversations: start with the ‘I felt hurt when my briefs were bursting as I bathed you whilst you were ill.’ Follow that with, ‘I was really an idiot to think that an ill person would hop from the tub to care for my raging dinky.’

I mean, you had - and seem to have had for some time - unrealistic expectations of this woman. And, yes, she was complicit in establishing those expectations. It’s time to have that talk, too.

My impure mind cannot imagine an act between a male and female that would have been performed two decades ago with one partner that could not be repeated with a contemporaneous partner. Can you name one?

You and your mate are poles apart. Time to come together, I think.

It's not like I expect her to be some sex freak. And obviously, right now, she is not capable of doing anything. But she's only been on psych meds for 2 months now, But her sex drive seemed to go away 6 years ago, I can't exactly sat, but probably within the first month we were dating. I would never expect anything from her at this time. And as for the time I was bathing her, I never even mentioned that it was turning me on, She noticed the wet spot on the crotch of my jeans and told me I was sick for getting turned on while she was sick. I kept my mouth shut.

Look, right now, I don't have anything going on in my life, just a sick girlfriend, and work, which together take up all of my time. I've been thinking a lot about what might be out of whack about my life, and my sex life is one of them, but I could never talk about this in real life.

Originally Posted by rufiki

It's not like I expect her to be some sex freak. And obviously, right now, she is not capable of doing anything. But she's only been on psych meds for 2 months now, But her sex drive seemed to go away 6 years ago, I can't exactly sat, but probably within the first month we were dating. I would never expect anything from her at this time. And as for the time I was bathing her, I never even mentioned that it was turning me on, She noticed the wet spot on the crotch of my jeans and told me I was sick for getting turned on while she was sick. I kept my mouth shut.

Look, right now, I don't have anything going on in my life, just a sick girlfriend, and work, which together take up all of my time. I've been thinking a lot about what might be out of whack about my life, and my sex life is one of them, but I could never talk about this in real life.

Clear up, please, your respective ages? 20 + 31 + (at least) 6 = 57? Are you 57? That would make her 53-years-old?

I lost my erections and libido for 18 years due to a long-lived bipolar major depressive state. Now, at 58, I’m back to what passes as 1/2 normal. For me.

No sexual being should deny his/her/their sexual desires and, yes, needs. You’ve lived with this woman for six years (?) so you don’t want to leave her while she’s ill, but...

...I’m a big believer in honest talk. Is the discussion that you’re having here one that you’ve engaged in in the ‘real world’? It should be. Maybe soon.