Incontinence Desires and Diapers

Hello! I hope I’m posting this in the right forum, I noticed (and read through) a few threads that were like the one I’m writing now, and I decided to post in this forum as that seemed to be the trend and I figured I’d keep it going. Forgive me if it’s the wrong one, I’m new here!

(I’m not used to writing all this stuff out, and it gets a little heavy at times. If I say something that offends or is otherwise unacceptable for the standards of this site, please let me know, I did my best to read the rules and format this properly, and I don’t mean to offend anyone, if I come across that way. I’ve had online misunderstandings in the past and just wanted to be clear from the get-go, thanks!)

I’m writing a small book here to kind of get everything out in the open about my situation, firstly to just look at everything and really confirm that, yes, this is me. Secondly, I’d love for people to respond and tell me what they think would fit best for me in this situation. I am not currently seeing a therapist or on any medication.
I know a lot of these issues are complex and require a lot of time and energy to dig into and really get to the bottom of, and that’s why I’m going to do my best to lay everything out as clearly as I can from my perspective.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that anyone reading this can add anything to help me make sense of everything and hopefully make the right decision.

Diapers and what they mean to me

So, diapers. That’s a weird one, ha-ha. Ever since I was a little kid I had a fascination with wearing diapers and using them. From making makeshift diapers to stealing my grandmothers (I know how terrible that sounds, but that’s how deep this drive goes) I’ve always had this desire to wear them.

That’s commonly referred to as AB/DL, or more specifically, just the DL (Diaper Lover). I am not really into the whole AB (Adult Baby) side. (I’m sure this has been said before, but just to be perfectly clear, DL is a fetish for diapers, and AB is acting like a kid or baby to regress and relax/de-stress. Nothing here involves any actual children or babies!)

I wore my first real diaper when I was 8 years old, and I eventually started doing chores for the neighbors to save up money to buy my own. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that diapers became a sexual object. I was caught wearing and using diapers several times, and that along with other things during my childhood led to very rough teenage years. I’m going to go ahead and put a trigger warning here.



Issues with incontinence in the past

During my tumultuous teenage years, I developed two forms of incontinence. I became a bedwetter for several years and had weekly episodes of bowel incontinence. My father took me to the doctors concerning that (after confirming it wasn’t me wearing them for fun) and the general consensus was that it was stress. I had ulcers in my stomach from the stress of everything and while they concluded that there was nothing physically wrong with my bladder, they figured the bedwetting was co-morbid with the bowel incontinence.

By the time I had turned 18, I had been out of school for a year and a half and my issues with incontinence had went away. However, I would say that the experience was a highlight of my teenage years (yes, I know that sounds sad, but it’s honestly true). The bedwetting and bowel incontinence justified my desire to wear diapers, legitimizing not just a fetish but a safety blanket.
Desire to be incontinent

I won’t go into too much detail, as I’m saving this for another post, but I pretty much had to put those desires on hold for 6 years, as I joined the military when I was 18. So, we’re going to skip to 2013 to present.

Young, making money, feeling pretty darn good about myself, but there was an empty void in my life. I was wearing and using diapers practically 24/7, and I felt I was satisfying my paraphilia, but there was always this voice in the back of my head.

There are several strategies that people have reported varying success with in achieving incontinence. The three main ones I’d like to lay out are as follows:
 The 12 Month Diaper Training Program
 Extended Catheterization
 Extreme Surgical procedures

Firstly, I’d like to knock out the last two from the list we’re talking about, because there is no way I would ever do those things. Extended Catheterization is just that; installing a catheter and draining it into your diaper for long periods of time. Not Interested.

I have read of people travelling to Thailand or other SE Asian countries who have laxer ethics regarding surgery. I have read of people with BIID (we’ll get into that soon) who go there to have their operations done. I personally do not feel comfortable (nor do I have the finances) to undertake that.

The 12 Month Diaper Training Program is a 12-month guide to essentially retraining your brain to trust your diaper and void whenever you feel the need. It is considered a very slow, deliberate un-potty training guide that can be quit at any time. Effects are felt over years for most people who do it.
The guide involves eating and drinking healthy foods so that it’s easier to void, listening to hypnosis tapes to help ease the inherent stigma with incontinence and diapers, and training yourself to consciously, and then subconsciously, keep your sphincter muscles relaxed so you void at the first sensation of needing to void. This will lead to a slow acclimation to using your diaper all the time, and eventual muscle atrophy that will leave you incontinent. Use it or lose it.

I have attempted the 12-month guide twice, with varying success. The first time I had to quit after 3 months, this was due to financial reasons. The biggest lesson there was that if I were incontinent, that would not and could not be an issue. This did not deter me, and I have become much more stable than in the past.

The second time, I was in school pursuing my associates degree. I was wearing and using diapers 24/7 for 6 months. After I graduated and entered the workforce and had time off to spend with friends. I noticed that I would have “cheat” days every so often or would take off the diaper for an event where diapers would be impractical. I felt like I was cheating myself out of happiness, and I eventually returned to wearing diapers often, however sporadically.

6 months of disuse, however, had left my ability to hold my bladder a little lacking. I am now a bedwetter and cannot risk falling asleep without a diaper on. I have also developed a very weak **** sphincter and have sporadic bowel movements without much warning. I have no desire to reverse these affects.

Identity issues

At this point in my life, I am wearing diapers almost 24/7, although I am not following the 12-month guide. I will wear regular underwear if I am doing something with friends/family (although that is rare, and sometimes I do wear diapers to these events). I honestly feel that diapers are right for me, but there are some underlying issues with identifying as incontinent that I’d like to suss out.

By far the biggest issue I face is that of my peers. I come across to my friends (or so they have told me) as a confident, get-stuff-done man that is self-reliant, successful and healthy. This contrasts heavily with the image I have of myself, or the image I desperately want to portray. Regardless of whether I am incontinent, I want to be viewed as incontinent, and using diapers as a medical device to control my issues.

I’ve moved to a new town a few months ago, and I met this woman who had a crush on me. I was still in school and I was following the 12-month program, so after a few dates I decided to tell her I was incontinent. I considered it an experiment on how far I could really take this lifestyle change. While things didn’t end up working out for different reasons, being accepted for who I was had a major impact on how I felt and made me feel happy to be me.

The other issue I faced was being incontinent at the workplace. I feel like this stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself and feeling “fake”. I know there is no real test to prove if I’m incontinent. I could just lie and say that I have problems and that would be the end of that. It wasn’t the routine, or chores involved with incontinence, I loved the self-care involved in making sure I was ok.

There is a remarkable difference in how I feel base on what underwear I’m wearing. I’m honestly okay with that, but I wish I had the courage to be myself. If there was a pill that would make all these desires go away, I wouldn’t take it. I like who I am I just have trouble being brave enough to own it.

Paraphilic aspects vs identity aspects

I want this section to go fast because there isn’t a lot to it and it’s kind of gross. Yes, wearing diapers turns me on, seeing others wear and use diapers turns me on. However, these feelings don’t go away after climax, and there is a constant desire to be wearing them, regardless of how I feel day to day.

BIID- Body Integrity Identity Disorder

I recently watched a video that taught me about BIID, and I found it shockingly like how I feel about who I am and who I should be. After some digging I found that some people with BIID also wanted to be incontinent (I had thought it was just limb removal). Very little research has been done on incontinence desires, ab/dl’s and BIID.

I did find a study, however, that claimed that most people who have achieved there BIID goals reported higher happiness and feeling “complete” and the anecdotal evidence I’ve seen regarding obtaining incontinence seems to be similar in findings. It might take some digging, but I can provide the source on request.

I’ve been in diapers practically my whole life. I’ve accepted them as part of who I am and that will never change. My current issues arise from fear of social ostracization. I have very few friends (6, 2 of them I consider very close), and fear that my entire support network would be destroyed if I “came out” as incontinent. I feel torn as to whether this is all some insane justification for a fetish or if this is really right for me.

Personally, I feel the best course of action right now would be to keep my friends in the dark about this part of me and expand my social circle, so I can “practice” being who I want to be before I take the plunge. The whole time I was “incontinent” I went through so many pains to keep it a secret, but I never felt like giving up, until it came to “get caught” or “hide the evidence”.

As an aside, there is also a very high likelihood that some of my friends already know, and simply haven’t said anything.

So, that’s that, thank you so much for reading everything (if you did, haha, I don’t blame you). I feel so much better getting that off my chest, and feel like just reading it and seeing it typed out has given me a spark of hope that no matter what, I’ll be okay.

tl;dr: I like to wear diapers, so I do. I wanted to take it farther, so I did, and now I don’t know whether to finish the job and go all the way or keep hiding who I am. Quitting diapers isn’t on the table for me.

Any questions, comments concerns?

Hello Scout; Thanks for sharing your story. (By the way, I went back & read your introductory post as well.) From what you wrote here, it's sounds as though you're pretty comfortable with who you are & how you're living your life for the most part. The one exception seems to be regarding whether or not to "come out" to friends, employers, co-workers, etc. This is, perhaps, something I can comment on.

I'm an old man now. But I've waged a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria along with depression, anxiety & some other stuff. When I was young, there was no internet. And issues related to sex & gender simply were not considered fit topics for discussion. And, as a result, I grew up hiding my gender identity issues. Somehow, I don't know how, I realized early on that there were things about myself I must never reveal to anyone. And so I didn't. And I continued hiding literally for decades until I finally came lurching out of the closet temporarily a few years ago. (I'll spare you the details as to how this came about.)

Anyway... when I did finally come crashing out of the closet... I thought for sure the earth would move under my feet! But what in fact happened was simply that no one really wanted to hear about it. And so, after a while, I tiptoed back into the closet & closed the door. I'm still there & I don't expect to ever come out again. The point of this, though, is that you just don't know what "coming out" is going to result in either for better or worse. But once you've come out, you can't take it back.

My instinct would be to say that most anyone you reveal your incontinence interests to is likely to turn & run the other way. But I could be wrong! When I "came out" I expected one thing. But what I got was something entirely different. The problem is though that in my case I now live with the knowledge that a secret I had fully intended to take to my grave is now known. And there's nothing I can do to take it back. It causes me to have a (thankfully) low-grade sort of constant embarrassment that I have no practical way to resolve. It simply is what it is.

So I guess what I would say here is simply think your situation over thoroughly before you make the decision to come out to anyone. Perhaps no one will really even care. But it is also certainly possible coming out may have some real negative consequences in terms of both your social & vocational prospects. And once you've let the cat out of the bag, as the saying goes, it may be tough to get it back in especially in these days of near universal internet access. (I've read some posts, here on PC, written by members who put some things up on the internet, or had things put up by others, that they were both highly embarrassed as well as concerned about but that they had no way of getting rid of.) At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you well...

It's frustrating to have to hide who you are. But accepting it within yourself is a big step! This is a good place to vent about it and decide, when, how, and to whom you will come out.

Hi Dlscout,

Just wanted to say it is okay to be little ABDL. There is no shame in having to return to safety and reclaim a childhood you always wanted.

Deep Pressure Touch Stimulation is a very real thing. Weighted Blankets are used often to calm anxiety and PTSD. Those with Autism find the same sort of things comforting. Diapers can offer similar effects and can be used in public and hidden. I personally do this too. I struggle with shame but I have overcome some of it after digging deep and realizing that my need for safety is what drew me to these coping mechanisms. Trauma forces us to find ways to survive.

I hope that you have continued to explore your little side and allowed yourself to be yourself.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

"
So, diapers. That’s a weird one, ha-ha. Ever since I was a little kid I had a fascination with wearing diapers and using them. From making makeshift diapers to stealing my grandmothers (I know how terrible that sounds, but that’s how deep this drive goes) I’ve always had this desire to wear them."

This line here literally could have described my childhood/teenage years. Your are not alone in this.

I don't have great advice other than take it one day at time. See what happens. You'll know when the right time is!

I have found that diapers are good self-parenting therapy. Regressive interests are a normal coping mechanism. When your biological parents are the Pontiphisis of any but, such as mine were. Then it's a natural recourse to be drawn to things such as diapers. I can remember being 8 years old and wonder what it felt like to be wearing and using diapers. The touch of one in my hand was oddly soothing in itself. Same reason holding a new package of briefs felt confusing as it was similarly plastic of cottoney softness. As an adult survivor of ongoing childhood abuse/trauma, I eventually indulged in my curiosity for diapers. In the right balance it attributes itself to good self-parenting. The call them Pampers, Luvs and Huggies because they can be apart of comfort and security and everything else you would do for your own child. But I am my own daddy and I must take proper care of my little boy. My condition included sleep and depression and anxiety issues. For the longest time my doc could figure out my nighttime income and daytime OAB. But honestly I'd be just as happy to treat with diapers. Recently saw studies linking such urinary incontinence issues in men with major depression and anxiety disorders. In my case what happened resulted in eventually having to be declared disabled and unfit to work as an adult. I am on Medicaid. Finally got them to give diapers but I have to wear 2 attends poly briefs cause otherwise I leak with every single use. If I otherwise could I'd in way better diapers. But that's what a dad should want for his son. It's better sense to be diapered when you wet in your sleep most nights and have to urinate up 4x an hour during the day. Honestly it more practical to have diapers that only need 3-4 changes daily than one needing to be done ever 3 hours and worn in double quantity.

Discout, what I'm saying will depress you and make you feel uncomfortable, but never tell anyone about this. All it takes is a few drinks, or in just the right mood, or if you say something that bothers someone else, or if you break up with your partner--they will talk. And then once one person knows, then two people know, then their best friends know, then their spouses know, and then their friends will know, then it's public knowledge. I'm not judging you, I'm just being real with you. Cupid, or in the Greek Eros, was the god of love, and when he used his arrows to strike those to love something, he often times did so begrudgingly to good people who then afterwords to things that can get them in trouble or, if others knew, to things that could humiliate a person. ((hugs))

Would it help to try pull-up diapers? They make them now for men. If anyone questions it, you can tell them about the incontinence. We older people sometimes develop that problem.

Or maybe wear a cloth diaper inside a pull-up diaper, if you like the feel of one?