[eelsauces]

I'm still trying to come to terms with my gender and sexuality. I know I identify as male, but since I was born female, that makes me transgender. I also know that I'm attracted to other men (trans or cis) so that would make me gay. On their own, I don't have much of a problem accepting either of these aspects of my identity, but both of them together make me feel a lot more self-conscious.

There's this idea that a lot of people seem to have that gay trans guys are just straight girls that fetishize gay men/relationships. I know I don't identify as a girl, but hearing people say this sort of thing still bothers me. It doesn't help that I have a bit of a hypersexuality problem... but that's another story.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop feeling so down on myself about this? I feel like it would help if I didn't have such a problem with my dysphoria, but there isn't much I can do for that at the moment - I'm not able to get any surgeries yet, or even start hormone therapy since my parents won't let me until I'm 18.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I'm an old man now. But I struggled with gender identity dysphoria for my whole life (MtF.) It's only quite recently that I feel like I've finally come to terms with it. One of the most confusing parts of it has always been that I was completely heterosexual. I never had any sexual interest in men. In fact I've actually always been quite uncomfortable around other men.

The current theory, I believe, is that gender identity & sexual orientation are established in utero at different points during the development of the fetus. Consequently it is completely possible for a person to be transgender but at the same time to be sexually attracted to members of the sex opposite to their assigned gender at birth, if that makes sense. Assuming that is in fact the case, then it's really nothing you (or I) had any control over. It's just way we developed way back before we were even born.

From my perspective, I think the answer here is probably to spend some time working with an experienced gender therapist. I do think it's important to work with a therapist who is experienced in working with individuals who have GID issues. A therapist who is not experienced with, & interested in, these concerns can do more harm than good in my experience. In fact, I think spending some time seeing a gender therapist is probably important for most transgender individuals regardless of whether they have sexual orientation issues or not.

By the way, there are a couple of YouTube channels you might want to check out, if you're not already familiar with them. One is gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox's channel. Here's a link:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC75...wYHGQlc4w3-GGw

The other is The Transition Channel:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO...NpIn-KsVjvmLLw

I wish you well...

[StarsDust]

One thing i do when im self-conscious is take a moment when i'm a little more calm, analyse and write down all the reasons that this worries are irrational, like reassure yourself that what you're feeling is valid and ok.
Also surround yourself with lovin and accepting people, cause there's always gonna be someone who will judge doesn't matter what you do, but there's also people who will love you no matter what
and if you're able to go to a gender therapist,it's defenetly the best thing you can do, talking to a professional it's really important and also really helpful so if you can, please go <3

[eelsauces]

I am currently unable to go to a gender therapist (or any therapist), but I really appreciate the support It means a lot to me.

I do try to surround myself with positive people - my boyfriend is very accepting of me, and although I have my own struggles in believing that anyone could love and accept me, he and my friends make it easier.

Maybe I'll try to find a gender therapist online... That would probably cost money, but I might be able to figure something out.

[butterscotch444]

Hi eels! You were Born a female, are a female, with a " pull" towards thinking in the male ways! The ramifications of getting a sex- change can be quite capable of you become ALOT MORE distraught, than you already are. I would suggest making some great female friends and talking with them- males and females think " totally different"! Your brain, body says " Female", so, in all aspects, you ARE a bonifide female.

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by butterscotch444

Hi eels! You were Born a female, are a female, with a " pull" towards thinking in the male ways! The ramifications of getting a sex- change can be quite capable of you become ALOT MORE distraught, than you already are. I would suggest making some great female friends and talking with them- males and females think " totally different"! Your brain, body says " Female", so, in all aspects, you ARE a bonifide female.

I appreciate your... enthusiasm... but that is incorrect. I do have a female body; however, despite my reproductive organs and hormones, I am male.

I would like to state that I am definitely no expert in biology or chemistry, but as I understand it, currently the most widely accepted theory of gender and sex development is that in transgender individuals, the brain is exposed to an amount of estrogen/androgens that is disproportionate to what the rest of the body is exposed to in utero. Therefore the brain is indeed male or female, whether or not this corresponds with the body.

Of course, the things I've stated become more complex when it comes to nonbinary and intersex individuals, but that doesn't pertain to my post, seeing as I'm neither.

Below are a couple articles that you may find useful if you'd like to educate yourself further. If not, then please do not reply to my posts offering your own views instead of the advice and support I asked for.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...sgender-brain/
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/m...nder-identity/

[Entity06]

Originally Posted by butterscotch444

Hi eels! You were Born a female, are a female, with a " pull" towards thinking in the male ways! The ramifications of getting a sex- change can be quite capable of you become ALOT MORE distraught, than you already are. I would suggest making some great female friends and talking with them- males and females think " totally different"! Your brain, body says " Female", so, in all aspects, you ARE a bonifide female.

With all due respect, this is a response that is not only incorrect and misinformed but also dangerous.

There is such a thing and your gender not being the same as the one assigned to someone at birth based in primary sexual characteristics.

Gender and biological sex aren't one and the same. Gender perception is based on a lot more than what hormones dominate in your body and what your gonads turn into(in utero the testies and ovaries start from exactly the same thing and it is a spike in either testosterone or estrogen that determines if the embryo ends up with testies or ovaries). Gender is likely a combination of subtle biological influences and especially artificial gender norms and expectations. It's something extremely personal, nuanced and at the core of who we are.

If gender norms didn't exist, if people weren't so conditioned into 2 ways of being based on genitals, there would be a lot more fluidity of gender because gender itself is a social construct in most everything. What do you call male ways? Testosterone itself doesn't justify the gap in things like violent behavior, emotional repression, etc. No, society pushes that to extremes, which is easily proven by the great differences between people of the same biological sex. Other stuff, such as preferences, hobbies, etc are all social constructs. You're not biologically programmed to like certain things, those things are all artificial, a product of society not something that occurs in nature so of course you can't be conditioned biologically to like the color pink over the color blue just cause you have ovaries. I believe you get the point.

If someone says they are pretty sure they're trans, then they are trans, they are the gender they feel they are.

Originally Posted by eelsauces

I appreciate your... enthusiasm... but that is incorrect. I do have a female body; however, despite my reproductive organs and hormones, I am male.

Hey!

I want to say that if you think and feel you are a man then you are a man and that is absolutely wonderful and alright.

Personally I consider myself genderqueer or nonbinary and more on the male/masculine side of things just that I feel in between not just one or the other. I'm also a biologically female.

As for your sexuality, I am sure you know but I will affirm that it has nothing to do with your gender, it's entirely separate so you just happen to like men, regardless of your gender. Gay or straight or bi...those are just labels and there are plenty of trans men who are attracted to men. Trans men are ,after all, men, just as trans women are women. Does it make things a bit more tricky and difficult? Sure, it does, but that's all because of how our society tends to be, nothing else.

In terms of my own sexuality, I am bi/pan but I've always seemed to lean a bit more towards men. As a quite masculine looking person who is gender queer and with no intention to do anything to my body and thus just go with saying I'm a nonbinary woman, liking men resulted in nothing but feeling unwanted, abnormal, rejected, unlovable, etc because men are socialized to look for certain characteristics in women(or men if they are gay) and I'm not enough of either. It made me feel bad a lot that I am not solely into women so I could at least slide as a butch lesbian or something, which is unfair anyway cause you can totally be a masculine woman, not even gender queer, and be straight.

Point is I know about this sort of thing and I understand it's hard but there's nothing wrong with you and you just have to live your truth.

I do suggest you try to get a good therapist in the future, who knows about gender identity and can help you really put everything in order and analyze exactly how and how much you may want to transition, to express your true gender and live your sexuality. In the meantime maybe you could try finding some bisexual/pan men in your area if finding a partner is something you really need now too and also find some trans men and women to talk to and find support in.

[Sepiida]

You're self-aware and brave to know who you are. You're off to a good start by seeking out those with similar experiences and listening ears. While your resources might be limited now, keep learning as much as you can about what your options are. Don't give up, and always reach out for support when you need it, even if only to those of us out in Internetland.

I am impressed by Buck Angel's story and his confidence in his masculinity. He had top surgery but not bottom surgery because he didn't need it to be a "real man." He has created a line of trans products, as well as a dating site specifically for trans men.

I'm a genderfluid assigned bi female. I wish I could present as androgynous. Actually, I really wish I could just have the biological and physical characteristics I feel like that day.

[Seneca1854]

I've benefitted from some support groups and you might be able to do so too. Support groups are free and pose very little risk. You just have to get there and be willing to listen. If you don't want to talk, typically you don't have to talk. But you'll find other people in your community and hear their stories. Also, it's a great way to learn how to get more help because you can find out what other people in similar situations are doing. Meetup.com shows you support groups in your area and that's also free, if you're just looking for a group.

[Hegelian]

4 years ago I was just about coming out, I've never looked back. I knew I was different by age 5 but lacked language or any frame of reference by which to describe myself. I was outed by my mother at 15 and called a pervert - how to instill self-loathing in one caustic insult. It took me 35 more years finally to break down psychologically and transition as final resort. It has cost me most of my so-called family, but it is riddled with narcissism going back generations, incapable of unconditional love and I'm now on the outside looking in and wanting no further part in it. Emancipation can be a painful experience.

My suggestion Eelsauces is to park your sexuality and let it be whatever it is whenever it emerges. It doesn't matter much. Figure out who you are first and become very good at being you. Lynn Conway said "If you want to change the future, start living as if you're already there." I'd take heed of this advice - go ahead with your social transition and start living full time as your male self. Your body can catch up later, once you get your gender dysphoria diagnosis and are prescribed testosterone. If you are insistent, persistent and consistent in your gender identity then just get on with being yourself without compromising for anyone and your diagnosis will be straightforward. Leave behind anyone who doesn't accept you unconditionally. Especially family. There will be those who would rather you rotted in the status-quo but the point is that their perspectives are selfish and are not focused on your needs.

I have absolutely no regrets. My transition was brutal on every level and I have needed therapy in the absence of adequate support structures but I am now thriving in ways I never thought possible. I'm now a confident and competent leader - before transition I was scared to voice an opinion. The whole journey is the process of becoming your authentic self. There are no easy rides or short cuts but the outcome is amazing. Become amazing.