[Sam_I_Am]

Hi.Im a 24 y/o female, have been in a relationship for one and half years with my boyfriend. At my pap 8 mos ago, I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia (i.e. precancerous cells) and was told it was from HPV...had the colposcopy, which confirmed it, then had cryosurgery (i.e. freezing of the cervix) to treat it. The thing is, I don't know how I got the HPV. I kind of assumed I got it from my current boyfriend, but decided against telling him about it...The HPVV that causes cervical cancer doesn't affect men, and I was already infected and couldn't be reinfected, so I was afraid it would cause more problems than it was worth to bring it up.. (He knows about the precancerous stuff, just not specifically that its HPV.)

Prior to meeting him, I had 3-month-long relationship with a female friend. She and I are both essential heterosexual, it was my only sexual experience with a female, and it was a mistake in many many ways (i.e. she was very abusive, I was with her out of guilt and had no attraction for her, etc etc.) I have had a lot of shame and regret over this, more so over the fact that it was HER than about the fact that she was a girl. Not surprisingly, we haven't been able to maintain a friendship. Well, she called me earlier, after not having talked in 3 weeks and not having hung out in months, saying she just came back positive for precancerous cells as well. And then it brought all of the feelings back about the HPV and about the "relationship." (I guess it wasn't from my boyfriend if she has it too, but it's impossible to tell who gave it to whom.)

Anyway, I still feel guilty over not telling my boyfriend about the HPV. I mean, he DOES know about the precancerous cells but doesn't know it's an STD that causes it. I feel dishonest NOT telling him, and even though this strain doesn't specifically affect him, if we break up he could infect a future partner. He does know about my relationship with this girl, but I don't exactly like to talk about this part of my history. I feel gross even thinking about her, and knowing this now makes me feel even worse. Also, another reason for telling him is that i'm afraid she is goign to use this info against me in some way, as "punishment" for not wanting to be her friend, and that he will find out anyway. (I have been distancing myself from her since we broke up but haven't outright ended the friendship until recently, partially out of fear of her behavior.) Another reason I want to tell him is b/c I want someone to talk to about this. So few people know about that relationship or about the HPV. And if I were to talk to anyone about both, I'd prefer it to be him (unless it was my therapist, but she doesn't count...and she's on vacation.)

[salukigirl]

it doesnt matter if it doesnt affect him. if you two were to ever break up and him get with another girl he can pass it on to her. just because it doesnt show physical signs doesnt mean he cant be a carrier for it. plus, you need to have him tested to make sure thats who you got it from. if it is then he needs to do some calling around to his past girlfriends.

why wouldnt you want to tell him in the first place? you need to be open, not just for your and his sake but for future boyfriends/girlfriends whatever.

there has to be open an honest communication between the both of you. kind of bothers me that you have been together for so long and havent told him any of this. hiding the information wont help you get over it.

you might be suprised at his reaction. lately i have had to come clean about some things from my past that i thought would make people view me different and instead i got the total opposite reaction. i got caring and support. people will always suprise you so i would go out on that limb and tell him strictly for the sake of clearing your own conscious. if not for that, then for everyone's health because you never know how many people this could end up effecting.

[Cyran0]

[Sam_I_Am]

I'm not trying to justify my NOT telling him, but there is no test for HPV in men. It's not like gonohhrea or other infections that may not show symptoms but still be testable conditions. I know this not only from my own research but also from talking to my doctor when I was going through this 8 mos ago. There is absolutely no way to know if my bf has it or not, or to know who I got it from. I talked to my doctor about whether to tell my bf or not, and he says that because it's not a health concern for him, it's really up to me if I feel comfortable doing so, for my own reasons. and now that i know that my ex-gf has it too, i know i either got it from her or that i got it before her and gave it to her (so logic follows that i did NOT get it from my current bf but that i did probably give it to him.) So there are no exes of his to potentially contact because it was me who gave it to him and he hasn't been with anyone since.

I already have so much shame and self-loathing with regard to sexual stuff-- this makes me feel even more disgusting, why i'm not sure. it took me almost a year of being with him to feel comfortable enough to tell him about my past experiences of sexual abuse, rape, a 5-year abusive relationship (also, the fact that i'm afraid that if i may have gotten the HPV from a past abuser, why it would matter if there's no way to tell anyway, i don't know. i guess it makes me feel more "damaged" than I already feel.). Talking about THIS (and how I think I gave it to him, and that I got it from oen of the above people that hurt me and that I ALLOWED to hurt me) is even harder. I already expect him to leave me over lesser "offenses", like if I say something "wrong" or act "needy" (That's more about my issues than him-- h'es never threatened to leave me or put me down...we've never even really been in a fight.) It's like I feel like my past issues have affected him so much already, with my flashbacks, nightmares, crying a lot, etc. This is now a tangible way that its affected him (i.e. gave him a DISEASE rather than just being annoying through excessive crying). How do you recommend I go about telling him?

[salukigirl]

i dont know how to tell him, im not you. but if you guys cant get over your past than you shouldnt be together anyways. whats the use in being in a relationship if its not even open? and if he isnt the kind of person who will work with you through these issues then why do you want him anyways?

[Sam_I_Am]

So you know enough to criticize me for NOT having told him but not enough to offer suggestions or feedback about possible ways to do what you suggest? What was the point in even responding to me. I feel hurt by your response, although I hope it was intended to be helpful.

It's not that HE or WE can't get over my past, it's that I can't. HE is awesome about it. I am the one with guilt and shame about talking to him about it. Once in awhile when I do feel comfortable talking to him, he is completely supportive. You're right, I do feel some discomfort with being completely open and honest, but this is my first experience in a healthy relationship (not just romantic, but friendship, family, etc) in which communication was encouraged-- I'm not going to be perfectly skilled over night. And I don't have any friends I can talk to about this. I just feel very alone and lost right now, which is why I came here for support. This forum is supposed to be for support, but now I feel even more alone. Sorry if I'm being dramatic.

[salukigirl]

wow. okay? i just dont understand why i would support you in not telling someon you have a disease that causes cancer. why would i tell you how to talk to your own boyfriend? im not you. if it were me I would have brought it up long ago by just saying "hey, i found out today that I have HPV." but you obviously can't do that so my suggestion would have been no help at all.

You didn't get the answer you wanted, so don't get mad at me. If you want someone to make you feel okay about not telling your boyfriend then don't come on here where you know what your answer will be. It wasn't intended to be "helpful" or "supportive". it was intended to kick you in the pants and let you know what youre doing to yourself and him by not telling. Sometimes people don't need unconditional support, they need to know how selfish theyre being. This has nothing to do with you not being able to get past your own issues, this is a health matter that can potentially cause CANCER! this isn't like the clap that a shot of penicillin will clear up. So don't get mad at me for being too "harsh" for you. That was a simple question that required a simple answer - YES TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND.

[heyjoe]

Sam I am i have found that the direct way is the best way and after you start the easiest way. Getting started is the hardest part to me.

[Peacemaker]

Sam,

I am trying to put myself in your shoes and wow, what a terrible decisiton to have to make. I don't have the answer I'm afraid. If he is safe from being infected, then maybe not tell him. But, being an honest, forthright person myself, I would tell him. It seems like you are also much the same. By not telling him, you may end up berating yourself until you do tell him and you shouldn't put undo stress on yourself. Good Luck. Please keep us up to date on this one as I am truly interested. If you do not wish to display it in the forums, if comfortable, PM me.

Love and Light,
Peacemaker
Sherri

[Raynaadi]

Hi Sam,

I understand the predicament you're in. I had to tell my boyfriend about an STD before we were sexually active. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But I did it. I just told him I had something to tell him and I told him. He was fine with it. We just use protection.

As far as HPV is concerned, I always thought that men were carriers but don't show symptoms. That we get it from them and it can cause cancer. That was what I was always taught but I haven't done research on it for this reply. My best friend went through the exact same thing. She went through the procedure and everything. I'm pretty sure she told her boyfriend about the HPV but I don't know what happened after that, if he was treated or what.

Only you can decide what to do in your situation. None of us are in your shoes. I know for me, honesty was best. I couldn't not tell my boyfriend about my std before we had sex. That was a totally different situation though, since I knew before we took that step.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and please don't be afraid to post. Everyone has their own opinions about what they would do in a given situation. But only you know what you need to do for yourself.


Rayna

[Perna]

"Approximately 20 million people are currently infected with HPV. At least 50 percent of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives. By age 50, at least 80 percent of women will have acquired genital HPV infection. About 6.2 million Americans get a new genital HPV infection each year."

http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm

I had a low-risk type before I was sexually active so it isn't a 100% STD. "The types of HPV that infect the genital area are spread primarily through genital contact." The operative word is "primarily".

I would maybe tell him about the cryosurgery and why I had to have it, etc. but let him do his own "worrying" about himself. I'd just be as open as I could be and ask him about himself and expect him to be open, etc.

[Cyran0]

Sam, it sounds like your bf is pretty cool. I bet he'd be very accepting and grateful that you trusted him enough to tell him. He may have questions about what this means for him and for your sex life. Be sure to have that info handy.

Good luck.

Cyran0

[smiley1984]

of course it is up to you and only you know your bf but i wanted to say something different.

if he is going to get it from you he will already have it. and if he does, there is no way to find out and even if you could there is no treatment so what your dr said is right - him knowing or not knowing will not change how you or your bf are medically treated.
if you are worried about him passing it to someone else in the future, everyone knows about the safe sex message and to have their pap smears so, they are adults, everyone knows that you can catch things from others and it is their responsibility to what they want with that info. I wouldn't tell just for that reason. There are many reasons why you may want to tell but it shouldn't be because of what might happen to someone else maybe sometime in the future

if you want to tell him, why hypothesis and guess about where you got it? you don't need to get into details of previous partners, gf or bf. you can tell him the truth that you have got it sometime in the past, but there is no way to tell from who. because although you are trying to put together some pieces to try and work out who it may have been, it is impossible to rule anyone out - even he could have given it to you, it is not impossible

[salukigirl]

what about when his future girlfriend or whomever asks "do you have any diseases?" and he trusts his past girlfriends to fill him in on that minor detail so he says "no, no one has ever contacted me telling me that i should be tested for anything." so they dont use a condom.

im sorry, but if you cant even be honest with your boyfriend of a year and a half then maybe you shouldnt be together anyways. it has everything to do with people in the future. thats horrible to suggest that if they contract something when he has no clue that its their own fault. id like to see how calm and collected you would be if that happened to you. im sure you wouldnt calmly sit down and say "well, i can see why she wouldnt tell him. and i trusted him enough not to use a condom so this cancer i could get is totally my fault." no, im sorry. i can almost guarantee that nobody would react that way.

[haunted]

Sam- I can't reccomend whether you tell him or not but I can tell you that I had cervical cancer. First of all cervical cancer is mostly caused by hpv but not always. second, this is something that you boyfriend could have been carrying around with him for many years so stop completely blaming yourself. Everyone carries hpv at one point in their life. It's usually on the skin. This includes men, women and children. Experts now believe it's something that can lie dormant for years before it becomes active. I was affected at the age of 32. I had been married at 18 and have always been faithful. I'm sure my husband was also faithful. I have no reason to doubt that. I went like a good soldier every year for a pap. So one day I gat a call at work from my gyn and was told I had an "abnormal" result, or in other words a stage one. So I went for a biopsy. a month later it was still the same. I also had the area frozen. Six weeks later (and I'm not trying to frighten you here) it had gone from a slight abnormality to a stage 3 cancer. Mind you , this only happens to about 5% of women. I ended up with a hysterectomy 4 weeks later. It was a mind blowing experience knowing that I was only 32 and couldn't have any more children. I also felt dirty and ashamed as I had been very sexually active at an early age. However I had a good doc who assured me that this was something I could have been carrying, or my husband could have been carrying. It does not always come in the form of an STD. You could have picked up the hpv from any surface, or from someone's hands that had come into contact with it.

So please stop beating yourself up. Please remember that this is a VIRUS. And you should be going to you gyn for a pap every 3 months for the next 2 years for re-checks.

If you do decide to tell your boyfriend present him with the facts about this disease.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

[Sam_I_Am]

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your responses. I just want to say that I did tell my bf last night. He had a very supportive response. He said that it doesn't change anything between us, mostly listened, asked some informational questions. I came prepared with some articles and info I had gotten from the CDC website and a couple other reliable sources. He also said, "How do you know this didn't come from me?" (which is what some of you had said.) The frustrating thing is that you can't conclusively determine where you got it from (i mean, i nowsuspect I got it from that friend, but it could be coincidence that she and i went through similar things).

And to respond to what someone said about the possibility of him not using condoms with future partners, even condom use doesn't necessarily prevent it, because it's transmitted through skin to skin contact, not bodily fluids. Condoms can help, but if you have HPV in an area not covered by condoms, you're screwed. So I assume I got it from someone that I didn't use a condom with, but I could have gotten it from someone I did (or no one at all.)

I know it's something that most of the population has had some form of before, and that I could have even gotten it from a non-sexual source. But I guess I feel a sense of embarassment over having something that could come from sex...probably b/c I'm not comfortable with most of my sexual past. But regardless, I feel so much better after talking with him. Thanks!

[haunted]

You're welcome! I'm glad everthing seems to be working out for you.

Just remember those re-checks...... so very important.

[Cyran0]

Sam, that's great news! Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy.

Cyran0