[Rekon]

Over the past few years I have lost interest in sex and I find it odd when I'm only 22 years old. Sometimes I just don't have an urge to do it and my partner thinks it's her but I keep trying to assure her it's not. I don’t know what to do about it and I feel as though I'm letting her down. I just don’t feel like sex is something that I have grown out of and I really think maybe I'm afraid if I do it too much maybe ill become too attached I mean I have always tried to stay unattached especially since my last relationship before this I current one I fell in love with a girl thought I had got her pregnant (thank god she wasn't) and then while I was overseas she slept with quite a few other men and I never got the memo till after I got back from a week long mission. I went the rest of the deployment hating and despising women and I felt as though all I wanted to do was just treat ever girl ever interested in me like ****. but I have changed once I met my current girlfriend I started to care again and then a few things went wrong like due to my miss trust I think I pushed her away but I also disliked her because I was paying for everything while we lived together. I have learned that she did start talking to another man for about 3 months while we were together but that was because I started to neglect her because of my emotions towards feeling as though she was using me.

While being in the military, I never trusted women much to tell you the truth. I had gone through watching all my friends cheat on their girlfriends and their girlfriends divorce or cheat on them. so I have never been in an environment where I never saw something that wasn’t distrustful. Could that be what is causing me to not want be so sexually active? I mean I really don’t understand why I don’t have a desire to do anything…

[bebop]

hi and welcome to pc.
I am sorry you have been treated so badly by some women. that very well could be why you have lost your desire. mistrust is a terrible thing. I hope you realize though that not all women are like that. some are very devoted to the men they are with. same as men. there is good and bad in both sexes. I think once you find the right one you will find that desire again. maybe seek some counseling also about the feelings you have for women. I suspect it may go deeper than one woman cheating on you. don't allow 1 or 2 women to ruin your life hon.

[Sher8907]

Originally Posted by bebop

I hope you realize though that not all women are like that. some are very devoted to the men they are with. same as men. there is good and bad in both sexes.

That's what I have been trying to tell him our whole relationship, and his response is always the same thing: "All women are the same...you are most likely going to be like Lauren."

Originally Posted by Rekon

I don’t know what to do about it and I feel as though I'm letting her down.

You are not letting me down..but you have to realize that I do have needs, too..

Originally Posted by Rekon

I have changed once I met my current girlfriend I started to care again and then a few things went wrong like due to my miss trust I think I pushed her away but I also disliked her because I was paying for everything while we lived together. I have learned that she did start talking to another man for about 3 months while we were together but that was because I started to neglect her because of my emotions towards feeling as though she was using me.

You did push me away because from the beginning you kept saying that all women were the same and that if you were to go back overseas, you would break up with me and pretty much leave me hanging...I've tried to tell you over and over I'm not like that.

As for talking to another man, he was a friend. I didn't realize what he was after until a month ago. And I'm sorry for that. But I've never done anything with him nor have I ever planned to do anything. Also, I have felt terrible ever since my job stopped giving me hours. I hate not being able to contribute. And you know this. But you made me feel so depressed and terrible that you did start to lose me..

[bonaire]

Rekon,
Thank you for your service.

One thing to note is you are in a situation that really is not "best geared" toward a good, constantly-reinforced family-style relationship. It's not just the military. Guys who go on business trips end up cheating, and their wives at home do too. Any situation where people are apart is potential trouble for any trust-based relationship.

It sounds like you guys (Sher and Rekon) are looking at ways to make it work. I have to ask you guys though - can you live without gf or bf for a while? Not you two together - you two individually. Can Rekon live for 6-months without the responsibility of a girlfriend? Can Sher live for 6-months without a boyfriend? There are a lot of relationships that continue-on because they feel like they have to despite all the other stuff happening around it. Now you guys love each other and you have trust issues. Maybe work it out through a services-sponsored mediator? Doesn't the armed services branch you are in have those type of services? They have a good amount of psych care - and there is no shame AT ALL for not looking for help in that area. Get the support and use it - heck, I'll even pay for it (heh, taxpayer joke there).

I know that it's a bit crass but the services are just not a great place to learn "care" that is required by a good family relationship. It's a task-oriented environment with a huge amount of "blowing off steam" once the task is done. Family life and relationships don't look like, nor should be like, the life of an active serviceman.

Plus, a lot of times, a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship can be more work than a marriage. "don't talk to guys" is pretty rash. She should be able to talk to anyone she wants. If you want to guard against infidelity, develop trust that she will not get into a physical relationship. It takes work but girls can talk to guys without sleeping with them - and vice versa. Guys can have women friends without sleeping with them. However, it does take work to get there. Our "animal desires" are there, but can be held in check with personal boundaries.

[Sher8907]

Originally Posted by bonaire

Plus, a lot of times, a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship can be more work than a marriage. "don't talk to guys" is pretty rash. She should be able to talk to anyone she wants. If you want to guard against infidelity, develop trust that she will not get into a physical relationship. It takes work but girls can talk to guys without sleeping with them - and vice versa. Guys can have women friends without sleeping with them. However, it does take work to get there. Our "animal desires" are there, but can be held in check with personal boundaries.

that's what I tried to tell him in the beginning of our relationship and throughout it...I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends, because I grew up such a tomboy (being the only girl in the family out of a lot of guys) And I try to tell him, that even if someone wants to sleep with me, I'm not ever going to do that...that's not me. I think that it is wrong to cheat. And he had been cheated on while overseas, and I know how much that hurt him, and I swore to him and myself that I would never hurt him like his ex had..

[Rekon]

Originally Posted by Sher8907

that's what I tried to tell him in the beginning of our relationship and throughout it...I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends, because I grew up such a tomboy (being the only girl in the family out of a lot of guys) And I try to tell him, that even if someone wants to sleep with me, I'm not ever going to do that...that's not me. I think that it is wrong to cheat. And he had been cheated on while overseas, and I know how much that hurt him, and I swore to him and myself that I would never hurt him like his ex had..

Here's the thing with the talking to other guys though every time she has I have already for seen them asking her to hang out or wanting to do more then be friends on 5 accounts I have actually told her, "hey, he's not talking to you to be your friend" and each time I was right. but yes I do understand a girl and guy can be friends with the opposite sex but like I have told her a lot of the guys that she used to be friends with she may have also talked to as more then friends at one point. I know that for most men once a person has talked to you like that you never forget it and will typically try to push for something more. but that may also be because that's what my friends always did but like I have said on 5 accounts where she thought these guys where her friends they ended up asking her to hang out alone with them. Which to me means they plan on trying to do something more. She claims a lot of the time that she's to nice to tell them to leave her alone after they hit on her and often times continues to talk to them. Much like with Matt all she had to do was tell me and I would have casually talked to him on the phone and told him "she has a boyfriend it's time for you to move on to someone else". But instead she said she was scared to bring it up with me and ended up hiding the whole thing even had his name as a woman's nick name on her MSN and AIM. I'm sorry but if you don't want talk to someone because you know all they want is sex then why continue and pretend they don't want it? I mean to continue on makes them know they will or might have a chance. It don't reassure me the boyfriend that nothing would ever happen .

I can go a few years without a relationship to be honest, most of my relationships lasted 2 weeks to 3 months until sher and the reason was mostly because of me deploying and never being in the states and when I was I was always training. So i never really kept a Girlfriend long mostly stayed single and played the field. But thats what most servicemen do to avoid going through a break up every month due to never seeing their lady back home.

[bonaire]

guys, you're young and it sounds like most if not all of the issue revolves around sex with others outside of the relationship. I was young once (I'm 44 years "not so young now"). When I was in my 20s, yeah - I wanted to hang out with girls who I wanted to mess around with but being more interested in creating a career so I could eventually start a family, it was less "going out and partying" and rather having long-term girlfriends. Granted, I have had a woman in my life since I first met my first gf back when I was 17. I was never without a girlfriend - and at times, one overlapped with the next. It wasn't that many - but it happened. Many times, I wish I could take my brain from today and go back 20 years.

One of the hardest things someone has to learn in life is to put up strong boundaries - to say "no" to something even when a friend or relative wants you to. It takes a lot of practice - you have to reherse and mean it. Like Sher says - she's done it - she's been a tomboy and hung with guys and seems to have some control over things. That's better than some folks who will just say "oh, you like me? let's go out, let's sleep together, etc." This all comes from parenting and if her parents did a good job in teaching this - then she should be ok (well, better than most).

Boundaries are in question when you put yourself in "harm's way". You can understand if well defended, you can't be touched. If you guys both work on your boundaries and see that they are clear, then it may make it better for the trust you guys need to build (if you want it to work). I've been in a few long-distance relationships (not more than a few hundred miles). I sure would have rather had someone close-by at the time, but those two people were awesome - I wouldn't have traded it for anything. But notice - I said two people (and neither are my wife today). You have to give it a try, but if it doesn't make sense - don't dwell on it forever, just do what is healthy for both of you. It may mean trying harder and harder for each other, or it may mean saying "there are too many reasons that this won't work right now, maybe we can try again sometime later."

[Rekon]

Originally Posted by bonaire

guys, you're young and it sounds like most if not all of the issue revolves around sex with others outside of the relationship. I was young once (I'm 44 years "not so young now"). When I was in my 20s, yeah - I wanted to hang out with girls who I wanted to mess around with but being more interested in creating a career so I could eventually start a family, it was less "going out and partying" and rather having long-term girlfriends. Granted, I have had a woman in my life since I first met my first gf back when I was 17. I was never without a girlfriend - and at times, one overlapped with the next. It wasn't that many - but it happened. Many times, I wish I could take my brain from today and go back 20 years.

One of the hardest things someone has to learn in life is to put up strong boundaries - to say "no" to something even when a friend or relative wants you to. It takes a lot of practice - you have to reherse and mean it. Like Sher says - she's done it - she's been a tomboy and hung with guys and seems to have some control over things. That's better than some folks who will just say "oh, you like me? let's go out, let's sleep together, etc." This all comes from parenting and if her parents did a good job in teaching this - then she should be ok (well, better than most).

Boundaries are in question when you put yourself in "harm's way". You can understand if well defended, you can't be touched. If you guys both work on your boundaries and see that they are clear, then it may make it better for the trust you guys need to build (if you want it to work). I've been in a few long-distance relationships (not more than a few hundred miles). I sure would have rather had someone close-by at the time, but those two people were awesome - I wouldn't have traded it for anything. But notice - I said two people (and neither are my wife today). You have to give it a try, but if it doesn't make sense - don't dwell on it forever, just do what is healthy for both of you. It may mean trying harder and harder for each other, or it may mean saying "there are too many reasons that this won't work right now, maybe we can try again sometime later."

yea and that's what I told her after I found out about the other guy she had been talking to for 3 months. I told her we can just be friends for now but I told her honestly I'm not looking for a one night stand I was looking for a actual relationship that would last year's not just 3 months like all the rest. But when I found out about Matt I pretty much said hey this is the 4th time you have been caught talking to him and this time you said you would go down on him when you get better? I think it's going to have to be over between us and I said that because the last time we broke up it was because of him and we had got back together because I promised to get off the computer more and to hang out with her but she also said she would never talk to him again. as of right now I'm waiting for her call logs for this month and if she's telling the truth about not talking to him for 2 to 3 weeks then she will get much more trust back, but on the other hand if she lied again I'm going to have to call it quits for a while, because this hasn't been the only thing she has lied about and as I'm sure you know it's not fun to be looking over some ones shoulder every few minutes to see who they are talking to or why they are texting someone. no matter how much you love someone that's a little too much.

I also haven't partied for almost 8 months now and I maybe have a mixed drink once every 1 to 2 months if even that, when I first got out I partied everyday and drank a little to excessively but like I told sherry once I met her I stopped doing all the wasteful things. plus drinking don't really make a person happy it only sends you deeper in depression or that's what I believe.

[Sher8907]

Originally Posted by Rekon

yea and that's what I told her after I found out about the other guy she had been talking to for 3 months. I told her we can just be friends for now but I told her honestly I'm not looking for a one night stand I was looking for a actual relationship that would last year's not just 3 months like all the rest. But when I found out about Matt I pretty much said hey this is the 4th time you have been caught talking to him and this time you said you would go down on him when you get better? I think it's going to have to be over between us and I said that because the last time we broke up it was because of him and we had got back together because I promised to get off the computer more and to hang out with her but she also said she would never talk to him again. as of right now I'm waiting for her call logs for this month and if she's telling the truth about not talking to him for 2 to 3 weeks then she will get much more trust back, but on the other hand if she lied again I'm going to have to call it quits for a while, because this hasn't been the only thing she has lied about and as I'm sure you know it's not fun to be looking over some ones shoulder every few minutes to see who they are talking to or why they are texting someone. no matter how much you love someone that's a little too much.

You know the reason why I said that...and it was in the post I made...and even before Matt you always took my phone to see who I was talking to or texting...Also, in response to your other post, those guys that messaged me, asking me to hang out, was right after we broke up and they found out I was single. And I told them I wouldn't hang out with them, did I not?

Originally Posted by bonaire

guys, you're young and it sounds like most if not all of the issue revolves around sex with others outside of the relationship. I was young once (I'm 44 years "not so young now"). When I was in my 20s, yeah - I wanted to hang out with girls who I wanted to mess around with but being more interested in creating a career so I could eventually start a family, it was less "going out and partying" and rather having long-term girlfriends. Granted, I have had a woman in my life since I first met my first gf back when I was 17. I was never without a girlfriend - and at times, one overlapped with the next. It wasn't that many - but it happened. Many times, I wish I could take my brain from today and go back 20 years.

One of the hardest things someone has to learn in life is to put up strong boundaries - to say "no" to something even when a friend or relative wants you to. It takes a lot of practice - you have to reherse and mean it. Like Sher says - she's done it - she's been a tomboy and hung with guys and seems to have some control over things. That's better than some folks who will just say "oh, you like me? let's go out, let's sleep together, etc." This all comes from parenting and if her parents did a good job in teaching this - then she should be ok (well, better than most).

Boundaries are in question when you put yourself in "harm's way". You can understand if well defended, you can't be touched. If you guys both work on your boundaries and see that they are clear, then it may make it better for the trust you guys need to build (if you want it to work). I've been in a few long-distance relationships (not more than a few hundred miles). I sure would have rather had someone close-by at the time, but those two people were awesome - I wouldn't have traded it for anything. But notice - I said two people (and neither are my wife today). You have to give it a try, but if it doesn't make sense - don't dwell on it forever, just do what is healthy for both of you. It may mean trying harder and harder for each other, or it may mean saying "there are too many reasons that this won't work right now, maybe we can try again sometime later."

I've hung out with a lot of guys, and I can deff. say I've never slept with 99% of them. I have a few guy friends now, and one is my ex Bryan. We were best friends before we started dating, and then once we broke up, we did it on good terms because we didn't want to lose a good friendship to the other person because we had went through a lot. I text him a lot, probably every day...just like I message all my girl friends. He's just a friend, whom I can talk to about sports or anything stupid like that.

[Rekon]

Originally Posted by Sher8907

You know the reason why I said that...and it was in the post I made...and even before Matt you always took my phone to see who I was talking to or texting...Also, in response to your other post, those guys that messaged me, asking me to hang out, was right after we broke up and they found out I was single. And I told them I wouldn't hang out with them, did I not?


I've hung out with a lot of guys, and I can deff. say I've never slept with 99% of them. I have a few guy friends now, and one is my ex Bryan. We were best friends before we started dating, and then once we broke up, we did it on good terms because we didn't want to lose a good friendship to the other person because we had went through a lot. I text him a lot, probably every day...just like I message all my girl friends. He's just a friend, whom I can talk to about sports or anything stupid like that.

Yea well you know why I also checked it and it was because you always texted Bryan an ex and he's hardly meant nothing to you since he bought you some pretty expensive rings that you like to call a promise ring but when a guy spends over 1 grand on a ring I consider it more than that. Not to mention since the first day we started dating you texted your ex from my phone? so seriously that's pretty ****ed up. not to mention when we broke up because you got mad an ex of mine was telling me about how her baby was. you flip out because I said something like, "you still look good" (I was referring to how she lost all the weight after her giving birth btw) Then when I tell you you're moving out you go to a friend's house and text me something you meant to send to matt saying I need you to help me move my stuff out? like seriously if he would have even came over here there would have been a fight because not only did you disrespect me but he did as well since you both knew you were dating me before the whole thing and he was the other reason we broke up and what about when Bryan kissed you on that 2 to 4 day break we had , so don't tell me anything about he's just a friend because he obviously wants you for then that if he's willing to kiss you a few days after our break up. And the whole meeting matt at school the next Monday after we broke up? yea shale I keep going? you obviously don't want to let everyone know every little detail and you try to point the blame in other places that why people in your family don't like me it's because you don't tell the whole story or you bend the truth to make things go in your favor.