I've been suffering from sleep issues for years now. I've actually always, for as long as I can remember, hated having to go to sleep, as weird as that may sound. Here I am again, dead tired but still up at 3am. And I think I just figured out why.

I have nothing to live for - nothing to wake up to.

This isn't coming from a place of desperation. I'm actually just in amazement. It's amazing that I don't have those things. I'm guessing most almost-30-year-olds do.. But this has been my life. For the first 20 years of my life, my mum was always micromanaging what I could and could not be interested in. And I stupidly seeked her approval!

Now, my life has become empty. In trying to please my mother, I feel I lost myself, or never even had the chance to explore who I am.. I'm just existing.

When it comes to sleeping at night, I've actually always felt that night time was the only chance I had of 'being myself'. Once my mum went to bed, I had no one breathing down my neck! Now, though, I've really been feeling the effects of all the sleep debt I've accumulated over the years. I need to develop healthy sleeping patterns!

I feel I just needed to share this.. I've been living on my own for six years already so there's no need for me to still think the only me-time I get is at night! Mum's not here anymore - I can start exploring who I am - during the day, to find those things that I want to have enegy for every day! That I not only want to live for, but sleep for as well.

[24Moondust24]

It is 3am here too and I understand what you going through... I have not slept in two days and I feel like I probably will not be sleeping tonight.

Maybe you could make lists? I tried that and it helped a bit. I even do mindmaps. I will put a goal in the middle or as the title and list all the ways I can obtain that goal. Then pick one thing you can do that day or the next. I made one where I wanted to start eating healthier and made recipes I could try the next day. My mind races and that helps me focus a little. I try to put anything simulating away: books. my laptop and the notebook I have been writing in.

I also do not have anything to live for so I try and picture something (while laying in bed in the dark) that I always wanted to do. I daydream about how it will feel to be doing that thing.

Due to my lack of sleep I have been hearing noises and seeing flashes, so this calmed me down and kept my mind in a happy place.

I know I have not met you or know much about you but I do know one thing. You are a fighter. You admitting you need to find a way to live a better life. Forget that comic book superheroes. You are hero and a soldier in training. You want to win the war most people ignore. The war of just giving up or living in denial and the wanting to be the best version of yourself.

Thank you for your post.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm 28 and have been on meds for sleep since I was 16 after I almost ODed on NyQuil because I was self medicating. Have you been diagnosed with any MI like depression or anxiety? I know the feeling of just not wanting to wake up because you have nothing to wake up too. Days like these, I take my sleep meds late so I can sleep in the next day.

Thank you for your replies!

Moondust, I'm so sorry to hear you haven't been able to sleep I very rarely have nights when I don't sleep at all, but I sleep way too little and am exhausted most of the time.

Making mindmaps sounds good, thank you for the advice! I'm actually starting a special diet next week to try and treat a digestive disorder that's limiting my life a great deal, so gathering recipes is something I really need to do

And thank you so much for your kind words Yes, I am a fighter.. I want to be! Been waiting for a miracle for too long, I need to take charge now.

RxQueen, I've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, and I suspect I could be depressed as well.. I'm certain these affect my sleep as well. I'm working on sorting myself out.

Good luck to you both!

[24Moondust24]

I am so happy that I could help in some way... I wish you all the best with your new goals.

Happy New Year

[XWarriorPrincess5]

3 A.M here as well you're not alone, unfortunately. I've only slept a couple of hours in the past 3 days, and I'm starting to get really burnt out. I mainly started having insomnia and horrible, disturbing, twisted nightmares every night, about 6 months ago. Also, (this sounds weird) but I'm kinda psyched that someone else experiences the whole not wanting to go to sleep thing. It's hard to really explain, and no one knows what I'm talking about. I used to love sleep. Now I just sit up doing stuff like this (haha) and push and push until ridiculous hours. I always just want it to be the next day. It's almost like I'm scared to sleep, or the process of falling asleep makes me really stressed and anxious, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason. I just can't lay down and close my eyes, no matter how exhausted I am.

I too grew up in a home like that, with a lot of emotional abuse and disapproval, and I'm realizing more and more how much of a toll that's taken on me.. In almost every aspect of my life. I'm sorry you had to go through this as well. It really does set you up for a world of hurt later on. I learned that I can either do whats easy and let the depression and self loathing and low self-esteem take over (which I did for a long time), or I can use what I know now to start healing, which is hard and takes work. I'm not sure if the nightmares and insomnia have anything to do with my childhood, but I related to you so much that I had to post reply! Hope you get that much needed sleep soon

XWarriorPrincess, thank you for sharing your experience! I wouldn't wish these problems on anyone, but it really does help to know we're not alone

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having so much trouble sleeping. I've been the same the past couple of weeks. I just won't go to bed! It's really difficult to pinpoint what the issue is. I keep wondering if it's just me not wanting to stop whatever fun project I'm working on, or if it's something more sinister.

I do think that at the heart of it is my fear of my dad. As a child, I felt the threat of physical violence from him was imminent, and this caused me to go into survival mode where I'm always on high alert, waiting for the smack.. It's like the fear went right into my very core and I'm still unable to shake it decades later! I suppose that's pretty much the definition of PTSD.

Part of it may be me never learning to care whether I slept well or not. I feel sleep is such a sensitive thing and should be handled with kid gloves, but I just keep remembering all the fights between my parents that woke me up and kept me awake at night.

The whole routine of going to bed and trying to go to sleep stresses me out as well. For me, strangely, I think it's to do with perfectionism. I actually worry what other people will think of me if I 'don't get this right'! If I fail at sleeping. It's silly, but real!

When I was still living with my parents, there were a couple of recurring nightmares that I used to have. Once I got my own place, one of those nightmares changed so that what had been threatening me before now appeared in a cage, and I was telling an audience that it wouldn't hurt me anymore. It was quite incredible!

These days, I tend to have nightmares if I've seen something upsetting on the news, for example. While they can be so realistic I wake up terrified and sweaty, my therapist says it's actually the brain's way of working out what has happened during the day.

One sleep tip my therapist gave me was listening to lullabies when trying to fall asleep It feels weird doing it as an adult, but somehow really lovely, too. I was actually in tears the first couple of times I tried it as I just couldn't believe I would care about myself so much that I'd do it..

I do wish you the best of luck in getting some sleep soon! I'm practically falling asleep on the keyboard right now, but don't want to take a nap because then I'll stay awake all night again x(

[XWarriorPrincess5]

Yes! It's the strangest thing ever and I cant figure it out myself.. I really think it's me not wanting to go to sleep, but I don't know why. I have to listen to the tv when I sleep, because if it's quiet, my thoughts start running 100 mph and then thoughts turn to worries and then I just start freaking out essentially.

What you said about your dad makes a lot of sense. (By the way, I'm studying psychology, but by no means am an expert!). Fear, especially fear experienced as a child has a way of ingraining itself in your mind and in your behaviors. My dad wasn't physically abusive, but I felt a similar sort of fear when he'd come home, because I didn't want to be the next victim of his relentless put downs, harsh criticism, ridicule and misplaced anger. It was like walking on egg shells. One thing I've learned is that when you experience trauma or abuse over a long period of time, it can also lead to PTSD. And one thing that can happen is your “fight or flight” mode is highly sensitive. So you get the feeling of needing to flee or to protect yourself, or being on high alert, even when there is no threat. I experience this (especially at night) when I suddenly feel this horrible, drowning feeling of intense guilt and fear. Then I have to pull myself out of it by reminding myself that there's nothing I need to be afraid of; I did nothing wrong and I can relax.

The perfectionism bit actually does make sense too. You said you felt that your mom was always micromanaging you, and always breathing down your neck. I'm sure that under that level of pressure, you didn't always live up to her expectations. My dad did this too, but he also would completely ignore your existence- hard to explain. But it was like no matter what anyone does, it's never good enough, never done fast enough, never correct. (Even to this day! I got 110% with extra credit on a paper, and 100% on all my other papers in that class for the semester; called to tell him I got all 100%; his response: Well didn't you get 110% on the first one?) Anyways, point being, you learn that everything you do is a disappointment, yet you still have to constantly try to do the right thing for fear of punishment. If you look at it from that perspective, you worrying about what people will think about your sleep patterns isn't so silly after all

Also, your dream about the cage sounds awesome! My therapist said the same thing about my dreams, which makes sense. For some reason I was under the impression that PTSD dreams were generally about the traumatic experience. Mine are just highly disturbing things, but the theme is always a lack of control. Some are my teeth start becoming loose, and I can't stop wiggling them with my tongue and then they start falling out one by one; Being chased by a murderer with a knife, but can't scream; Being tortured by someone while my mom sat absently off the the side, weeding her garden and doing nothing; the ones that bothered me more were both of my dog being attacked (one by some disturbing creature under the bed covers by my feet screaming and scratching her to death, and I couldn't move or it would find me; the other her having some disease that made her bleed from her orifices, and when I finally cured it, she was out in the yard, then a baboon came out of nowhere and attacked her and ripped her throat out with its teeth). Jeez my dreams always sound majorly messed up when I explain them.. hope you don't have nightmares about my nightmares! Anyways, common theme is that I'm in a situation where I don't have control and/or no one will help me.

I've listened to lullaby's too I like them because they have words that I can concentrate on to avoid the cycling thinking, and they're soothing. Deep sleep music is also good. And the naps! Always tired mid day... by night time wide awake... maybe I should just get a night job! Anyways sorry this post was so ridiculously long. Here's a link that's super interesting, if you care to read It's a little depressing to think about some of the statistics, but it offers some helpful approaches. Take care, and I hope you've gotten some sleep!