My self esteem is killing me lately a lot. I just spent the whole evening binging and purging because I was "so fat". I barely ever binge and purge anymore. Once every couple months.

But then afterwards I read this thread about how the general consensus in the public eye is that virgins are ugly/fat and nobody wants them. I know the person was just trying to get to their core issues, so I wasn't offended by the person, just the comment in general. And then I just broke down and started crying. And now all I want to do is tell myself how disgusting I am.

I am a virgin. (well, in the voluntary sex way). Does that really mean I'm ugly? Undesirable? I always say it's "my choice". That I'm afraid to get close to men, because of my past. But maybe I really am undesirable. Maybe I really am disgusting. Maybe nobody wants me because I'm not worth anything.

I'm normally not this pitiful. I hate being like this, because I think it makes me weak. It's just a sensitive area, at a sensitive time.

[lynn P.]

Hi LydiaB - I'm sorry you were triggered by that topic. I'm a mom of 2 girls 9 /13 and it's shocking and concerning that children as young as 11 are having sex. It even seems more in today's society that it's becoming more casual, as opposed to being something special. I think being a virgin at your age is perfectly fine - that's your choice. I don't think it means you're undesirable or disgusting. I don't like to think of anyone in that way.

Don't let society dictate to you, when you should be having sex. Even if a person is overweight, there are men who like women this way. This is your choice and just because you're a certain age doesn't mean you're not appealing. I wish more young women would consider more carefully the decision to have sex. I love the website www.dove.ca because it fosters strong self esteem for women. Take a look at the videos under 'real beauty'. There's enough judgment in the this world, so please be kind to yourself.

[Omers]

Hugs.

Nope, not true. I have never had voluntary sex before either even though I can get close to men. I am told a lot that my standards are too high... But you know what? I'm worth it and so are you! Being single IMO is far better than being with the wrong person.

I don't know why I am forcing myself to read the thread. Now they say things like "authorities never believe it's the "fat chick" who was raped". And so that scares me more. I already fear walking out of my house for fear of being raped. And if the person got away with it, it would be so much worse. They could just target me and reoffend over and over and nobody would stop them, because nobody would believe me. Just like when I was a child. I can't take this. I can't live if not even the law will protect me. I can't do this anymore. The fear, the vulnerability.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I don't know why I am forcing myself to read the thread. Now they say things like "authorities never believe it's the "fat chick" who was raped". And so that scares me more. I already fear walking out of my house for fear of being raped. And if the person got away with it, it would be so much worse. They could just target me and reoffend over and over and nobody would stop them, because nobody would believe me. Just like when I was a child. I can't take this. I can't live if not even the law will protect me. I can't do this anymore. The fear, the vulnerability.

((LydiaB)) - I'm so sorry this is upsetting you and I don't like to hear referrences like 'fat chick' either....the same way we wouldn't like to see a race objectified in this way. I certainly would hope our justice system is better than that and I hope it wouldn't matter if a person was thin or overweight - the pain is still the same.

If the thread is upsetting you - you can report the thread or you can say how you feel and perhaps this would tone down the descriptive references.

[SoupDragon]

The media is so damaging both in portraying false stereotypical images and writing sensational stories like those referenced in the thread. Remember the aim of newspapers is to sell them to make money, so the more "interesting" they can make a story sound the more papers they will sell. There are so many stories of newspapers having to settle out of court because they have been less than truthful - that Dove link was a real eye opener. Actuallly I never read papers anymore, much prefer a good Winnie The Pooh story - probably even more factual! I can relate somewhat to OCD, that awful loop that goes round and round that won't stop -

SoupDragon- Thank for reminding me of the loop. I do have OCD but it's often really hard for me to pinpoint "loops" or repetitive thoughts until someone points it out to me. When I figure it out, then I can use methods that stop the looping.

lynn- thank you for your support.