[wi_fighter]

Does anyone here think I'm not aware of that? Because I am.

I hate being the woman with facial features big enough for two people.

I hate being attracted to men with daintier chins and noses than mine, which is just about everyone on the planet except for maybe Jay Leno and Jamie Farr and, well, I'm not attracted to that. So why would a guy be attracted to someone with a face like mine?

I hate thinking that every date I ever go on where I end up being rejected is because of my nose and chin, because that's what boys in high school taunted me for, that and being small breasted.

I hate that I constantly hear in my head even 30 years later "You know you have a big nose?" "Ever think of getting that fixed?" Yes, and yes, and I don't need some guy telling me that while at the same time trying to get me in bed for a one night stand

I hate that my teeth didn't develop properly and I had to have them crowned before natural looking ones were designed, and now cosmetic dentistry is only feasible for the affluent or people who haven't run their credit up to the max. I hate that when I smile my teeth are two different colors. I hate seeing every girl from the age of 17 and up with perfectly straight, blindingly white teeth and knowing that I'm inferior because I don't have that.

I hate my genes that made me short and muscular instead of long and lean, and realizing that drag queens and every other man would look better in a dress and heels than I do.

I hate not being able to speak my mind because I don't do it "gently." I wasn't TAUGHT gentle. I didn't SEE gentle, not inside or outside my home. I was taught then when someone confronts you in a way you don't like, you stick a shotgun in their face, scream and spit on them, and then run away, abandoning your kids in the process.

I hate that I question the motives of every guy I ever have contact with. If they appear to like me, it can only be because I have a pulse and don't have a penis. But I know they'll be laughing with their friends when I actually fell for their act.

I hate going to the beach and seeing everyone else without even the hint of a razor bump peeking out of their swimsuit bottoms, and the comment starts running through my head from my ex boyfriend "I've seen HUNDREDS of women, and I've never seen ANY of them who couldn't get a smooth shave down there." Oh, OK, guess I'll just forego feeding my kids for a few months so I can go have laser removal.

My ugliness outside feeds my ugliness inside, and then I come in here and have it validated even more.

<font color="red">I HATE ME. I HATE YOU. I HATE THE WORLD. </font>

Shirley... this is the past haunting you... telling you all the things you've heard or gone through, over and over again. It's not the truth!
Remember when you dyed your hair... so many thought you looked amazing and sexy! We don't lie to you!
There are men who just doesn't have their brain in the right place... but there's also men who can see real beauty... your inside full of compassion, love, life... is to be seen in your beautiful eyes!
I've been called names back in time too... I know... it hurts!
You look beautiful, but most important... you are amazing inside!

[wi_fighter]

I just feel like a big, fat, Pagan hypocrite.

The Wiccan rede is:

An if it harm none, do as you will.

Well it's been made MORE THAN OBVIOUS that I've hurt people's feelings in here, since every darn forum I go into seems to have a thread about it. What happened to keeping private things private? I need hugs and understanding too. It's not doing a damn thing for my self esteem to be constantly reminded of how mean and hateful and un-understanding and wrongfully assuming I am.

I had what turned out to be an awesome date this afternoon, and I almost canceled because of how I was feeling by the recent events going on here, because I felt totally unable to be caring and loving and deserving of it in return. Well I sucked it up and told him that I was battling a depressive funk and didn't want him seeing me like that. He said it was OK and if he had to see me at my worst, so be it. We decided we want to keep seeing each other and aren't into dating tons of other people all at one time. He said to call him, but I emailed instead because he was already an hour late heading home (yeah, that's how good it was. We totally lost track of time) and his son was waiting for him. I wanted to give them some time together since we were just with each other an hour before. No reply yet. I called and the machine picked up. No call back. I'm hoping it's just bad timing on my part. He didn't do the typical male "I'll call you." and we asked each other's intentions and are on the same page there. I'm still a little leary that I'm going to get a "you know, I've been thinking, and I think we'd be better off being friends."

I got home from that date, and 3-1/2 hours later I got a call from the guy that I originally signed back up with Yahoo Personals for. I have five different searches set up, and every time I run one, he's the first one that comes up on the list. We've been playing PM tag for a couple of weeks. We finally exchanged numbers today since the PM thing obviously isn't working. He called me at 12:30 a.m. when he got home from fishing. He asked if I wanted to go out for brunch tomorrow. We talked for half an hour and I had him laughing hysterically. He goes "I SO have to meet you." He's 2 years older than me, a family therapist, a Taoist, and he has a needy, clingy rescue dog too.

So, two dates in less than 24 hours. Life is good at the moment.

Obviously they didn't/don't think I'm mean and hateful and judgemental and spiteful and any of the other things that people who have no clue about me have ASSUMED about me in here.

And my date today goes "Why do you have your body type listed as average?" I said because I am. He said "No, you're not. You're fit or athletic, but not average." I meant it in the medical sense, as in you go to the doctor and they don't tell you that you need to lose or gain weight. By Wisconsin standards, no, I'm far from average, but they don't have a body type of "Wisconsin average" which is more like at least 50 pounds overweight, or "Wisconsin athletic" which means you lift a 12-ounce beer bottle to your lips on a regular basis. Anyway, he said he was more than pleasantly surprised when I said I was average but ended up being his version of fit. The last date he went on she said she had "a few extra pounds" but was 250 and looked 10 years older than her pictures. He even said I was beautiful. It was an awesome date. The sun was shining off the lake, the surf was music to my ears, we were sitting on the dunes watching the dog chase birds and diving into the water. He didn't even mind when she came running up to him, soaking wet, covered in sand, and squeezed in between the two of us.

[(JD)]

((((w i fighter)))) You're struggling here with the rest of us. I don't find you ugly at all..

LOl I just got a msg from yahoo person.. I blocked him. LOL glad you have someone to connect with

Hi Wi fighter,

First of all hugs to you if that is okay. I truely believe that beautiful is what is inside a person, I am new here, so I don't know you well, but you seem like a sweet person. Plus you are out there dating, that takes courage no matter what. Don't ya think you wouldnt' want a guy anyways who just viewed people on how they look. I have been married for 13 years, and looks change, and not always for the better, so go for somebody who loves you for who you are on the inside . ;-)

[Sujin]

Hi Wi,

I'm sorry you had to deal with people "assuming" things about you, especially people who don't know you personally.

I am happy for you that you had a great date, make that 2 great dates! That had to have been very uplifting for you.

I was reading your original post late last night, and I was just baffled by it. I wanted to reply, but I couldn't think of what to say, so I'll just say how I feel now. You are BEAUTIFUL, both inside and out. From talking with you I see beauty, and when I saw your photos in the gallery, I thought WOW, that is one beautiful and sexy woman! (By the way, I am straight and I'm not hitting on you, lol ).

So keep on doing good things for yourself, continue to go on those dates, and have fun. Most of all, relax. It's all good!

Love,
Sujin

[wi_fighter]

Yesterday's date seems to have disappeared off the radar screen.

No biggie. Today's date was even better. We spent 6-1/2 hours together, and it would have been longer but I had to pick the dog up from day care.

He just PMd me. He said I'm very easy to get along with, beautiful, and he loves my laugh. My heart's all tingly now. He wants to get together again on Tuesday. We're going for a late night, illegal swim at the quarry.

(((((((((WI_Fighter))))))))

[wi_fighter]

Things have been going really, really good.

It's not appropriate to go into the details here because it would be overstepping site guidelines.

But saying we're soul mates wouldn't be an exaggeration in the least.

[Sujin]

(((((((Wi_fighter)))))))

I am so happy you found someone, and so happy for you in general!



Love,
Sujin

[wi_fighter]

I'm really happy too.

I'm going to a psychic tonight before I go over there. I'd love to get B. in there with me because this guy has a natural talent for recognizing soul mates.

[(JD)]

...musing... I recall a member here, long ago.. .who felt horribly ugly... it was a guy ... and we finally convinced him to post a pic..and you know what? He wasn't ugly at all!!!! ((((hugs))))

I hope you are finding how much you two agree on things in life... how to pay bills, how to spend money, your faith/beliefs, your friends, where to live, what jobs and hours to work... for though infactuation is WONDERFUL!!! Once that subsides, it's the togetherness on the issues that will keep you happy!

[LMo]

omg - I missed this when you first posted this. Dude, I hope you're re-reading your post and attributing it to a bad day. You are positively stunning on the outside, in my book, and one of the coolest people I know on the inside. So none of that

[heartspace]

wi_fighter, some years ago, a friend of mine's brother recommended plastic surgery for her nose, because he'd had his "fixed" and felt much better about himself.
When we (her friends) heard about this, we were appalled. Our friend's nose is not small, but she has a great face. The only ugly person in this scenario was our friend's brother.
We kind of grow into our looks, don't we? And we're always more critical of our appearance than other people are of our appearance.
From what I've seen/read about you here, you're far from ugly.

[wi_fighter]

I had my nose shaved down once. The doctor did a %#@&amp;#! poor job. I could post before and after pictures and you would notice almost no difference. Luckily Debra Messing has a similar facial profile - prominent nose and chin - and she's managed to make it work for her. Besides, B. thinks I'm beautifil.

Hmmmm, this is really turning more into a Relationship appropriate thread, isn't it?

_Sky, let's see, he's a social worker, I work in the medical field. He works M-F 7:30-4:30, but has his beeper on at all times in case of emergency phone calls. I work M-F days but am sort of on call during the weekends, if I choose to be.

Our faith/beliefs are both Earth based. No worries over conflicting Chreaster celebrations. Besides, the more I'm around him, the more I'm rethinking my belief system. Paganism was the first thing I discovered that fit me, but I have a really hard time with it because there are still holidays to be celebrated and rituals to be performed, and the "if it harm none, do as you will" rede. He's a Daoist - everything is about creating balance in your life. So I can still be a kind-hearted soul one day and a raving ***** the next.

I don't have any friends here. My H moved me up here and wouldn't let me make any friends of my own. They all had to be mutual ones, and of course they were people that I wouldn't have anything to do with on my own. I've met one sister and her husband, and six of his friends (well, one of those was a wife of a friend and she can't stand B., so not exactly what you'd call a friend). So far, so good.

We both want to live in the country. He wants like 20 acres, put the house in the middle so there aren't neighbors all around, fence the entire plot, and let the animals run free. We both want solitude but not total isolation.

Haven't gotten around to the bills thing yet. Every paycheck, I pay what's due within that two-week time frame. A good chunk of my bills are taken out of my checking account automatically now, since I occasionally space off paying things on time. His house and acreage is on the market to be sold as commercial property. Once he sells that, he'll have the mortgage paid off, all of his debt, his ex's divorce settlement paid in full, and still have some money left over to buy a chunk of land and start building his dream home.

Just from personal observation, money gets spent on things that bring happiness (well, our version of happiness) - food, animals, time with friends and family, books, music, and movies, outdoor activities. He doesn't have a huge entertainment system, except when he had his X-Box and games stolen by some kids at a party that his daughter threw, insurance paid for a new one, so he upgraded to X-Box 360. He plays occasionally, and in moderation. He doesn't have, or have to have, the newest and best of everything.

We did have two misunderstandings on Friday. I got to his place a few minutes before he got home. He was acting kind of odd when I got there, like he was afraid to come near me. Turns out he'd had a beer just before he drove home because he'd had such a stressful day. He'd had to spend most of the afternoon in prison with a soon-to-be-released mom. Well, his ex would have turned that one beer into a HUGE argument, so he was on edge that I was going to do the same thing. I could tell something was wrong and asked him. He knows I'm sensitive about alcohol and how my ex used it, so he was extra nervous. We worked that one out.

Then we went to play poker with some of his friends. Well, I was hanging outside with the guys while we were waiting for everyone else to get there, and the wives were holed up in the house. I didn't want to play because, one, I was feeling a little sick. My stomach was bothering me from the newly restarted Wellbutrin and too much caffeine during the day. Two, I'm absolutely CLUELESS about poker and I hate feeling like everyone has to make special accommodations and hold my hand and walk me through everything, when they could have a lot more fun without me complicating things. So I just sat at the table and talked with everyone instead.

Four hours later, when the game was nowhere near being done and I was really tired, I went in B.s Explorer and laid down with a life vest for a pillow and tried to get some rest. Then the mosquitos started buzzing around my head. After an hour or so of that, I got up and walked back by the table. No one even noticed I'd come back. So I slink back to the car. I instantly went in to thinking "Oh, yeah, just great. They'll all getting drunk off their asses and next thing I know B.'s going to be telling me what a stupid, selfish ***** I am for MAKING him give up something he likes just to make me happy."

Another hour or so in the car and by now it's 1:30 a.m.. I go BACK to the table again. B's got three times the chips he had the last time I walked over there so the end of the game was REALLY nowhere in sight. I was sick of being there, I was bored, I was feeling ignored, I was tired, my stomach didn't feel well, the women had long since fallen asleep in the house with their kids. I unhooked Cinder from her tie-out spot and said "I don't know how, but I'm going home." and turned around.

By this time he figured out something was wrong so he came to talk to me. I'd told him if he'd just warned me it was going to possibly be an all nighter, I could have prepared myself mentally for it, or I could have chosen to just not go. And the beer factor was freaking me out. I was just waiting for the ridicule to start in.

If I could drink and get stupid like everyone else, it would be a lot easier, but I don't handle alcohol well, so I'm always left watching everyone else get to the point where they can be as idiotic as they want and say whatever they want and no one will care or even remember by the next day. I don't have that luxury. It's not that I don't want to relax and have half a dozen drinks with everyone else over the course of the night. It's that I would ruin every relationship within a matter of hours and possibly end up suicidal.

B. had told me that he doesn't like getting drunk, doesn't like the feel of it, but just seeing that beer can in front of him nonstop, even though he was really just sipping it, set off all kinds of triggers.

Anyway, long story shortened a bit, we worked it out. At least we've both reached a point in our lives where we can only stand not saying what's really bothering us for so long before we just come right out and say it, instead of trying to make the disagreement about something else.

His 19-y/o daughter is kind of being ...... difficult. He's dated over the course of this past year, but no one that ever hung out with him with the girls around, so she's all weirded out by it even though she says she likes me.

We went paddling yesterday. She had two friends along. His sister and brother-in-law were there, some other friends were supposed to come but then couldn't, and then there was me and B. OK, a dozen other people could have been there and it would have been fine, but because her dad had his GIRLFRIEND along, she was irritated with him. We get home after being gone for 5 hours and we're all hungry. B. goes to the store to pick up steaks and veggies. Daughter's up in her room doing stuff. I start helping B. cut up the veggies. Dinner's ready, we sit down and eat, have nice conversation, enjoy really good food, daughter even smiles a few times. A couple hours later, B. tells me that his daughter told him she's uncomfortable with me cooking and eating with them and being in the house so much. She's an absolute ***** to him in the morning if I've stayed over.


She likes me and likes that her dad has someone to hang out with, but she wants us to slow everything down to her comfort level. Thank goodness she goes back to college in nine days. He's getting irritated with her too.

At least I can understand. My daughter is cool with the whole thing, but my son is holding back for some reason. B. had asked me if it was OK to take him fly fishing, because I'd told him his dad was "eventually" going to take him. In Tony-speak, eventually means "ain't gonna happen, never, ever." Tony said it was OK if our son got the chance to go before he could take him, but when I told our son what his dad said he got all "Nooo, I'm not going to do that." Which I found odd because just a few days earlier he was asking all kinds of questions, so I thought he was interested in getting to go.

On Friday, before we went to his friend's house, he took me to one of his fishing spots. He made a special long lead for Cinder so she had like 40 feet to run and I could still keep control of her. She was having a blast running through the tall grass and jumping in the water. He didn't even do the "shhhh, you're going to scare the fish." He goes "nah, fish don't scare that easily, that's just something parents say to their kids so they'll shut up for a while." hahahahahaha His first fish he caught, he had trouble getting the hook out and took too long. When he tossed it back in, it didn't swim away. He goes "%#@&amp;#!" whips his shoes and socks off and jumps in the water to give it fish CPR. He tried for no less than 5 minutes to revive it. Finally he realized he couldn't save it and just said "well, the raccoons have to eat too." It was just so.....I don't know..... sweet isn't the word. It gave me a really good look into his character and his convictions. He does what he says. He doesn't just talk the talk.

The psychic reading went really well, BTW.

[wi_fighter]

OK, revision.

Turns out the daughter is only upset that I'm sleeping over already. She needs some time to get used to it.

She said she really likes me and she thinks I and her dad are good together and she wants to see us continuing to go out and build the relationship.

Guess I was upset enough to hear that I couldn't stay over (especially since I was absolutely exhausted from being on the water all day and the last thing I wanted to do was drive almost 45 minutes home), that I twisted her reasons around in my head.

[Tigerlilly]

Honey,
I know exactly from where you come, and to make things worse, my sister was gorgeous! Well, let me tell you, I decided to change things. I got some work done, both surgically and cosmetically, and guess where I am now? Just guess! An unemployed alcoholic and drug addict with fake breasts who gets a *first* date because she still (manages) to look good enough, but NEVER gets a second date or any respect. I have no friends. My family barely speaks to me. Let me tell you, plastic surgery, highlights and make up are not going to make your life better. The bitter reality is that I fell into that trap, spent all of that money, and I'm still lonely, isolated, vulnerable, depressed, and i still hate myself. Beauty is not the answer to self esteem. I don't know what is. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be a useless, "pretty" drug addicted lush right now. Hey babe, it could be worse. You could be me.

[LMo]

[desirae]

Wi Fighter, I've seen photos of you after you dyed your hair, and I think that the way you perceive yourself is completely wrong, I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. Your a pretty girl and obvisiouly see somebody different then we do when you look in the mirror. I understand that because the same goes here, I see something other then what other people see.

High school can be cruel, kids will say anything to be cool, to make themselves feel better, and to have the bad *** rep that many seek out. I was to called names that I knew damn well wasn't true, but was still hurt by.

Obviously weren't feeling to hot when you posted this. I hope all is better now. You are who you are, imperfect, just like every other real woman out there. I think real beauty radiates from your esteem. Through time and healing I hope you can accept that your imperfect, and accept that you are beautiful. You are a very good person, and beautiful to me.

Please don't be so tough on yourself okay.

[Sarah116]

Turn things around! A lesson I learned in November. I said "I gotta do something!" because if I did not things would just get worse and stay the same. I tried and tried turned things around and earned immensely for my efforts. So turn things around, wanna loose weight try Curves or a new treatment from GNC. Wanna shape your mind and get help with your Mental health see a Psychologist. Luck to you! Sarah

[wi_fighter]

Awwww, thanks Des. Your words mean a lot.

[wi_fighter]

Thanks for the reply Sarah. I'm not sure you understood where I was coming from though. I don't need to lose weight and I am seeing mental health providers.

[goldmaiden]

I'm really sorry for you. You must feel terrible.

I admire the way you can tell people these things, it is the first step to dealing with them.

Keep going!

[inpain]

you are kidding yourself...i just looked at your pictures and you are really beautiful!
I hope i am not hijacking this post (i am sorry if i do) but i also have red hair and what kind of dye did you use? it is so pretty and i totally messed up my hair last time i dyed mine.