[adam_k]

This is something I never really learned. It seems like the simplest thing and most people in this world seem to be on the other end of the spectrum than me.

Not sure where to begin and I don't really want to go into a long post about my life history. I guess it started with feeling like a burden to everyone. When I was younger from the time I can remember, I didn't have any parental support. I have a lot of memories of playing alone. I can remember a lot of times that my dad was passed out on the couch. I didn't know why at the time, but looking back I am sure it was drugs. My dad had a drug problem early in my life. Pain pills I think or at least from what I was told. When I was little I had an older brother, an older half brother and sister. I don't remember playing or doing anything with them. Two much of an age gap I think. My brother is 5 years older and my half siblings are 10 & 11 years older.

My mother wasn't around much. She was always working. I was talking to my therapist about it and I remember repeating something at the time and not really thinking about it. I remember her saying that she would rather be working than at home. It wasn't really until my therapist made a comment that I thought about how terrible that is to say to your kid.

Around 7 my parents split up. I guess things weren't working out. I don't remember many interactions between my parents. The straw that broke the camels back was my mother allowing my sisters boyfriend to move in. The boyfriend who was 18 got my sister pregnant who was 14 at the time. You would go to jail for that now, but that didn't happen. He was pretty much a low life. She is still with him and he is a drug addict, but that is another story.

When my parents split up they asked me who I wanted to live with. Being that mom wasn't around much and dad took care of me the most I choose to live with him. Me my brother and dad moved in with my uncles. It was a really slummy house. When I was a kid I remember feeling really ashamed of the house. It was filthy and there was bugs. I never wanted my friends to come over. I didn't have a room either. I slept in my dad's bed till maybe 12 and then I slept on a blanket on the floor.

My brother got treated better than me a lot. He was the baby of the family. I remember he got most of everything he wanted and I was left to make due. Well he got a bed at least. I guess I have an inferiority complex from it. Me and my brother never got along either. He was always a jerk to me. I don't talk to him much anymore, or most of my family for that matter.

When I was in my teens I found out the person I was living with wasn't my biological father. As if I didn't already have enough to cope with, that wasn't news I wanted to really know about. I'm pretty sure he knew. I also think he had a vasectomy after my brother was born. Not sure of the exact time, but I am pretty sure it was before I was born.

I knew my biological father. My mother had an affair with her sisters bf, now husband. I'm guessing drinking and poor judgement was involved. He knows as well, but he was never part of my life. Not that I want him to be or anything, just stating it for clarity.

I guess what all of that sums up to is I have never felt like a worthwhile person. I can't remember a time in my life where I really liked myself either. I try my best to hide it, but I am very insecure. I also lack confidence. It takes a lot of effort to build myself up to get the things I want. It seems like every time I achieve my goals it feels hollow. I never feel really good after achieving something. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate high school. I then went on to get an engineering degree and a good job. I never feel good about myself though. It seems like the smallest failure brings me back down and I feel like an utter failure.

As an example a week ago I got in trouble at work. I missed a project that my boss wanted me to get done. After he called me in his office and had a meeting about it, I got really depressed. Depression is also something I struggle with too often. Since my teens that I can remember, but I think it has been longer but I didn't know that I was different than most people.

I know rationally I shouldn't feel bad about myself. I am generally a good person, and I haven't did a lot of wrong things in my life. There is something inside me that makes me feel awful about myself. Like I am never good enough or that no one really cares. I'm now married and have a child on the way, due in march.

How does someone learn to like themselves? From what I have read it is something that usually happens in child hood development. How do you fix it if you had a neglectful childhood?

Sometimes I feel okay about myself, but more often I don't like myself. Sometimes I don't even like to look at myself. I feel unattractive and unappealing, but it is different from that. I often get a feeling of shame and disapproval. For what I don't know. I am also overly critical of myself, and I have way to much negative self talk at times. I also battle feelings of worthlessness. That may be from esteem issues or depression.

I am in therapy and we touched on the topic a couple of time, but didn't get into it. At the moment my therapy is an problematic situation because of insurance. I know I need it, but if it doesn't work out I have a good feeling I will give up on it. The same thing happened in my teens. A problem with insurance and I had to restart with a new therapist and I went to a couple of sessions and then quit altogether. After 6 months I trust her as much as I think I can, and I don't want to have to rebuild that. I'm just not sure what to do. I try to make it through the day and seem as normal as I can be. I keep how I feel to myself and act how I think I should, often ignoring how I feel. As you can imagine that takes a lot of energy to do. Feeling good about myself just seems like a foreign concept to me.

[SeekerOfLife]

Adam K, sounds like you have had a hard life and a background that is hard to get away from. I think it may be good to remember that your father/mother, etc. is not who YOU are. On my last birthday, I received not a single card, phone call, or best wishes. It was so sad for me that I said to myself, "Well, I will just give myself a hug, and sing myself "Happy Birthday". And so I did. It may not have been much, but I was glad I did it. Best Wishes. God loves us just as we are. We don't have to do anything to get Him to love us. Amazing.

[Muppy]

Adam, My former therapist described my childhood as abusive because my parents just weren't there for me. My oldest brother is 11 years older and my only other sib is a brother who is 4 1/2 years older than I. My mom was "tired of staying at home" and got a job while I was still an infant. I was told many times that I was an accident. That she knows exactly when I was conceived, and it was when the family was on vacation, and my mom started having morning sickness immediately, while they were still at the fishing camp. I have self-esteem issues and they may be related to my childhood...or they may not. But what's important is that you don't like yourself. I think it'd be a good idea to work on. I think we should all be our own best friend. So, be objective. May one of those pro/con lists. Good traits on one side and traits you'd like to change on the other. I'd bet you have way more good traits than traits that need changing. Seems we tend to focus on the negative about ourselves. When you lose all family and friends, then you just have yourself. Get to know this person. Celebrate the god parts of you, and work on those you think need some tuning up. A lot of us have fears about our interactions with others. I know I am very quick to blame myself. I still work on it. I suggest you do too. Work to see the good qualities you have, and they are probably many, and think if you would like that person as a friend. I'd bet you would. So ignore the thoughts of not being good enough...tell them to shut and leave you alone, and you learn to love yourself. Do take care and be good to yourself.

[-jimi-]

You had two bad things. You had the neglect. You had a sibling that got a better treatment. It is quite common that you get an extra set of issues because you are treated worse than a sibling. It really hurts a child.

Bad parents choose kids to treat well and kids to treat bad. I'd say this behavior stems from evil.

Building yourself up you have to love yourself like raising yourself emotionally, to be able to love yourself. It is circular yea, but you can do the actions even if you don't really feel the love behind them. But maybe something good will come out of it?

[SingItOutGemini]

You know what really has helped? Going on "dates" with myself. Find out things that you like to do or enjoy. And taking time out to have "you time" will help build a friendship with yourself. If one doesn't have self-acceptance, they don't have much peace of mind. I don't need to tell you how much that sucks :/
I digress.. Dates. Friends. Love.
*hug*

[catandmouse]

I could relate to so much of your post as I just posed the same question in my own thread...how do you start to like yourself when you've never liked yourself? You really described so well how I often feel.

You mentioned having a sibling that got better treatment and I had that growing up too and I really think that plays a HUGE part in our self-esteem especially as a child. My older sibling got all the glory - she's really smart, always got straight As and basically excelled at anything she tried whether it was band, dancing, etc. I was constantly compared to my sister and never felt good enough. NO matter what I accomplished, it was pushed aside as I could never live up to my sister. I even remember in college when I changed my major to Business...my parents said, "are you sure you can handle business? Because that's what your sister majored in." Like I wasn't smart enough like my sister to major in Business - wth??? And like you till this day, no matter what I accomplish in life, it feels empty and hollow and it's probably because we've never had the fulfillment of feeling accomplished and proud since we never got that as children from our parents. As a child, all we want is our parents unconditional love and attention and we didn't get that and we never learned to give that to ourselves as children. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult to do so as an adult.