Growing self esteem

How do I grow my self esteem? I was abused and neglected as a child, so I never learned that I had value beyond what I could do for other people. My T is too busy to see me more than every three weeks, so even though she wants to work on this, it's just not working.

I feel completely useless, a total failure. I know I should be able to tell myself what is good about me, but for the life of me, I don't know what it is.

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I have the same sort of trouble that you and many others do. I have found over time that by helping someone else with their problem, no matter what it is, I feel good about myself when it is done. I have fed hungry lonely people, provided and entire Christmas for a needy family and donated clothes and money to fire victims. But it doesn't matter how big the kindness is, I have buttoned a blouse, washed hair and clipped toenails for people who couldn't do it themselves, the result is that for a bit I feel like I have some value. It doesn't last forever but it's a start. Truthfully, the little things are the best. Go to a hospice or an assisted living center and make someone else feel good and you will feel good too. It's a place to start.

I've seen some interesting stuff in some of the positive psychology / happiness work that might be a helpful starting point.

One of the areas that apparently helps grow happiness (so not exactly self esteem per se, but probably relatively close) is accomplishing goals.

Are there things you have accomplished in life? Things you're working towards now?

This topic is really important to me right now, I'm in my mid-40s and I've kind of determined that self-love/self-esteem/self-acceptance is maybe my biggest challenge, the thing that's holding me back in many areas of my life.

I started working on this a bit earlier this year, working through Brene Brown's first book "I Thought It Was Just Me But It's Not". I was doing it alone, in a journal, and ended up dropping the project because I had a different big project that suddenly needed my attention (plus, the work was HARD!) but now I'm ready to go back to it.

And this time I think I'm going to do some of my work online so I can have some accountability for my process (& keep moving forward instead of finding excuses for why I can't) - perhaps I'll do that here on this forum, perhaps a blog... Unsure right now, but I'll likely get started back with this book in a few weeks.

^^ This is really good advice. I would add that you should pick goals that can't be contaminated by someone else.

For example, I used to set writing goals with the idea that I would reward myself for accomplishing them. Nobody cared if I accomplished the goal and actually demeaned me for rewarding myself.

So when I get a power cable for my computer I'll be going about it all together different. If anyone wants to read my books ... they'll have to get them like everyone else. Online. I'm not going to include friends or family in my writing so they can't contaminate it. "Y'all pee'd in the pool! So everybody out!"

So pick a goal that nobody can pick apart and then go get it!

Hello, Glamingone!

I'd like to tell you that it's important to follow the therapy. If you have any possibility to go to a T who can dedícate an hour per week, the better.

I've been working on my self-steem for all my life. It's a long process but you can better it.
What has been said about setting goals (realistic goals) you can accomplish is very important.
You also has to think of those positive qualities you have and take advantage of them, as much as it may be difficult.
Tell yourself every morning that you have valué and that you decerve being happy.
Take care of your physical appearance. In the end it's the face the others see first of ourselves and they can provide us with a social self-steem that it's also important. Don't forget to put a smile. It will be hard at the beginning but with time, it will become a natural gesture.
Let yourself enjoy things you like to do, at least one each day.
Try to see or read funny or cómical stuff. Laughing is a therapy itself.

Well, this is all that I have put into practice. I hope it will be usefull for you.
If I remember something else, I let you know.

A hug!

I also am trying to gather self esteem ideas. Mine is pretty low and holding me back in many areas. Interested to see what others have to say. Best of luck to you!

one thing i've been doing lately when i think of it is listing all the things i got right for the day
because of the severity of some of my symptoms, things that might be simple for someone else are much more difficult for me.
i write things like:
took a shower
swept the downstairs
did all the dishes
called sober people

just small things like that
to try to end the day on a high note of the things i got right

Very well said. It's important to do activities to feel yourself usefull, alive.

One of the main points for happiness recipe is dedícating to something you like, something you can flow.
And the second main point for me is to try the very best to make our loved people a little happier.

I'm very lucky bc I can support my learners every day and I also like to write in the AvPD subforum to support younger people who has the same disorder as me.

So, helping others may be also a release for yourself, always having into account that you help others when you reached a certain level of self-steem.