I screwed up today

possibly even self-sabotaging some of my chances to keep my job, for which I am interviewing next week.

And I am so ashamed at my immature and untimely actions, I don't even want to go through what I did here, as if it is such a great shameful thing.

I wish I could be a nice person. A person who doesn't interpret situations defensively, as I did today; who is generous of spirit and easygoing.

And as Sonny and Cher sang in the Sixties -- it ain't me, babe.

hey, e.mail me........i'm home for the day.......love you, pat

Thank you for the fast and loving replies, Fuzzybear and Pat. I am stewing on this for while . . ,

Duh I deleted, I just was commiserating as I also feel "not a nice person" and "immature"

Hey take it easy on yurself. You are nice people. Some of us get triggered. its not your fault. Your doing the best you can right now. When we get afraid things happen. Its going to get better each time. i just did the same thing. All we can do is be aware of why it happened and try to hold off a little next time.

There's no shame in defense! You are a nice person; don't make one "act" into the whole of who you are. If you perceive someone is hurting/going to hurt you, defending yourself, even if it may hurt the other, is not a "bad" or immature thing. We only get our own lives here, not the other person's and we can't read minds or evaluate after the fact. We do have to do things to ensure our own survival and sometimes they don't come out "right" but that's how we learn and grow. You can't fix a mistake you don't make and you can't learn from a experience or lesson that isn't taught.

Yes, I did some perception-checking with Pat (Fayerody) last night, and it is true that some fishy things are going on. Although I was accused of "going on a tear," I believe that I brought my feelings to my department chair's attention quietly and respectfully. I believed the other person gets special privileges, and this was denied, but of course the chair would have to admit being in the wrong, then.

I have been reading Women Who Run with the Wolves, about the harm we do ourselves psychologically when we don't honor and allow our authentic self to surface. But it is so hard to always know when to be authentic, when to go along to get along. And of course, I am forever forgetting that other people have their issues.

Still, there's no doubt that I am perceived as "being prickly" or having some "rough edges."

Thanks, Froggie and Perna, for your kind answers.

Join me in a midnight run tonight, my dear, and we will run with our wolves and improve our skills of taking care of ourselves and meeting our potentials..........i can howl with the best of them and have on many an occasion. you're a good person and i love you and we're going to "do" Austin one of these days.........xoxoxo pat

Yes, Pat, I do think we will. It is really only a matter of and time (goodness, no time smiley???). Then we will howl and it will be

Is there an affordable, safe RV park out by the lakes or anywhere?

PS -- Another member asked if what I did stemmed from deep-seated insecurity. You betcha. This is my greatest human weakness. It always leads to self-sabotage, and the self-fulfilling prophecy that proves once again that the world is not a safe place for me.

I see insecurity in my students, but here I am in the third trimester of life, and I can't outrun or outlive my insecurity.

I think we can "outrun" our insecurity if we know about it? It's kind of like "feel the fear and do it anyway"? Sometimes I deliberately decide to perceive :-) my "fear" as "excitement".

I was very lucky once in therapy, I was complaining about my group therapy to my personal T and she said, "I don't know much about group therapy, but I don't think they are out to get you" and that instantly made all the difference in the world; I had been unconsciously thinking they were! Now I can remember that and apply it to everything, LOL.

Another time in group therapy at one of the therapist's house, her dogs and cat were always there with us in the living room where the group of about 6-10 of us met over several years. One evening one of her dogs was sitting on her lap, she was petting him and he snapped at her! She instantly pushed him off her lap to the floor. I did a gut reation and cringed/wimpered/cried out :-) and asked "What if he didn't mean to snap at you, what if he needs to sit on your lap now more than ever?" Thank goodness I was in therapy at the moment and had a good, wise therapist :-) who zoomed in on me and explained that she and the dog had known each other 20 years and had a well-established relationship and she wasn't "rejecting" him and he knew it! That one incident does not jeopardize the entire relationship for either of them, he "knew better" than to snap at her and she cannot allow him to do that to her person, cross that "boundary" and disrespect her like that, etc. I "got it" and remember/use that memory/experience to help myself too now.

I believe all the screw ups and things we have experienced differentiate us from the 20 year olds. It doesn't mean we don't ever make any more mistakes or even that we make fewer mistakes; we just make "better" mistakes :-) that are less "obvious" and more useful to us in our present and future lives. We can't get "wiser" without having been less wise in the first place?

oh, to count the numbers of times that i've sabotaged my own success............i could write a book on that.........

Thanks froggie.....