This is a question I've been asking myself. I've always had low self-esteem. I've also never liked my appearance or the way I look. I have self-hatred going all the way back to when I was a little kid, around preschool age - back then it was purely about my weight and appearance (which the bullies at school didn't help). However, since then I've developed a lot more insecurities, and the reasons behind them vary and are more complex.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to undo the tangled knot that is my self-esteem. There are so many different issues, and it would probably take me years with a professional to go down the list and sort through all of them. I can't really get a professional, so I try to help myself however I can, by reading around on the internet for self-help articles and such regarding self-esteem... but nothing has really spoken to me or helped.

I've started to think of the possibility that maybe having good self-esteem is not a realistic goal for everyone. Don't we all know people who just can't love themselves, no matter how hard they try? Could it be true that maybe good self-esteem is even unattainable for some of us?

While I don't hate myself as deeply and intensely as I used to, I still struggle daily with liking myself / my appearance / personality / abilities (or lack thereof), etc. I avoid comparing myself to others, and I try not to project my insecurities on those around me. However, I feel that I'm too ugly to talk to people or have a relationship (I'm 18 and have never had a boyfriend or even been kissed). In school I was the girl who guys asked out as a joke. Nobody wanted to date me. So I didn't date. This means I am entirely inexperienced and I feel that I've been left out of one of the most important parts of a teenager's life.

I can't help thinking Who is going to want me? It seems impossible to me that any good guy (or girl) my age would ever like me 'in that way'. As no one has ever shown the least bit of interest in me (and many have even shown repulsion, it's not just all in my head) I can only assume that what I feel about myself is true. And whenever I hear anyone mention relationships or sex, especially people my age, I can't help feeling this bitter twang of loneliness and jealousy. I feel like they are much more mature and better than me, because they have these things, and I don't (and probably never will).

That's only one of my many insecurities. I won't bother listing the rest. But what I'm saying is... does anyone else have so many issues with liking themselves they feel they'll never be able to have truly good self-esteem?

Even people who aren't exactly struggling with it... or have struggled in the past and overcome it... I want your input. What do you think... is developing good self-esteem a thing that just not everyone can do? Is there a certain number of insecurities a person can have before they are beyond help?

I am not saying that I think I'm un-helpable... though it feels that way sometimes. I just am curious.

Thoughts?...

[palerefraction]

((SPG)) while I don't have a good answer for you I would like to say you're not alone.
my self esteem is similarly knotted and like you said, for many different reasons. I like to say "fck it", it will come and grow in its own time.

Well, it's an unrealistic goal for me. My life has even vastly improved personally and professionally this past year and I have lower self-esteem than I've ever had. I finally think I'm attractive for the first time in my life but I hate myself so much more. I'm even in a relationship and I think it's ultimately lowered my self esteem. He deserves someone perfect and I forever fall short…

Sorry I don't have anything encouraging to say. I fail again, huh?

[palerefraction]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Well, it's an unrealistic goal for me. My life has even vastly improved personally and professionally this past year and I have lower self-esteem than I've ever had. I finally think I'm attractive for the first time in my life but I hate myself so much more. I'm even in a relationship and I think it's ultimately lowered my self esteem. He deserves someone perfect and I forever fall short…

Sorry I don't have anything encouraging to say. I fail again, huh?

they didn't ask for your encouragement, they asked for your thoughts!

#success

Thanks…I just hate having to say something like that. I know it seems like having a relationship will solve problems like self-esteem, but it's not true. Not by itself anyway.

While I don't hate myself as deeply and intensely as I used to, I still struggle daily with liking myself / my appearance / personality / abilities (or lack thereof), etc. I avoid comparing myself to others, and I try not to project my insecurities on those around me. However, I feel that I'm too ugly to talk to people or have a relationship (I'm 18 and have never had a boyfriend or even been kissed). In school I was the girl who guys asked out as a joke. Nobody wanted to date me. So I didn't date. This means I am entirely inexperienced and I feel that I've been left out of one of the most important parts of a teenager's life.

I can't help thinking Who is going to want me? It seems impossible to me that any good guy (or girl) my age would ever like me 'in that way'. As no one has ever shown the least bit of interest in me (and many have even shown repulsion, it's not just all in my head) I can only assume that what I feel about myself is true. And whenever I hear anyone mention relationships or sex, especially people my age, I can't help feeling this bitter twang of loneliness and jealousy. I feel like they are much more mature and better than me, because they have these things, and I don't (and probably never will).

Dear Shy Poet Girl, I had never been kissed at your age or had a relationship either, I was shy like you and after a period of bullying my self-esteem was rock bottom. I'm in my mid life now and I still struggle with self belief, but I did meet someone who loves me (I was in my 20s) and have a family.

But yes, I still lack that self belief, I can tell you that someone telling you you're lovely does not (in my case anyway) magically transform your self image. What I will say is that it's not as crashingly low as it was when I was 18 as I have life experiences which have broadened my opinions on many things including myself. I also recognise the self sabotage which goes on within me, I no longer let it overcome me, I identify it and work to overcome it. I'm not always successful, but my hit rate is improving.

Wow, you're only 18? I was reading along, sort of forming an idea of your age and was thinking at least mid-20s.

You sound like a thoughtful, insightful person.

Some of what you've asked is something I've wondered about, too. There seems to be lots of talk on PC about "self-esteem". Maybe it gets talked about a lot in therapy, too. I don't know. My therapist doesn't use that particular term.

I sometimes find myself wondering "what exactly is this self-esteem thing and why am I supposed to want it?" It seems like an elusive concept. Maybe the word is just sort of a place holder for all sorts of attitudes we have about ourselves.

I don't think I'm attractive, but I don't really mind (okay, maybe just a tad) but I'm 95% okay with the way I look. Is that okay?

I can think and do and participate and enjoy. Those things are important to me.

I know things like looks are on a person's mind more when they are 18. It just seems to be part of being human.

Anyway, when I read what you've written, you project an *extremely* intelligent, thoughtful, and insightful personality. There's a part of me that thinks that at some level you realize that. If that's the case, go with it. Look for what you're interested in in life and pursue it. I think the people who accomplish the most don't necessarily have great self-esteem. They do have a lot of drive, though.

[Fuzzybear]

[Butternut]

ShyPoetGirl, like someone has said before, you are not alone. I just went off for a while in the thread " Effects of bullying on self esteem" a little about myself and my self esteem.

I used to be really cautious of "self esteem" thinking it was conceded. I felt the exact same way you did when I was your age, but I reached 19ish and I was lonely and unhappy with my face, and weight. But one day I was hanging out with an old buddy and he said to me that he needed to love himself before he tried going back to he's ex girlfriend.

That hit me that day, I don't know what it was, but it got to me.... I needed to love myself first. I still thought "loving myself" was cheesy, but I wanted to ACCEPT who I was. I found things that I enjoyed doing. I got over the fact that my pants were bigger then I wanted them to be, and I got to the point to that "I'm ok being alone" I was that way for almost a year. Than I met my husband. He and I talk about it all the time, because he went through the same thing, just being happy with himself, and was "happy being alone with the rest of his life" than we met. And it was just right. Now he was in that state for a couple of years. He was 26!! and I was 20 when we met.

ShyPoetGirl, our worst critics our ourselves. When I met my husband I was 30 lbs heavier, barely showered, and lived in a trailor! But he fell in-love with me! And its because I was ok with me. I just had to get over the critic of myself.

It may take time, but someday your going to just want to enjoy your life, it maybe today, tomorrow, next month, maybe several years, but you can start when ever your ready!

So in a nutshell, anyone can have self-esteem, you just have to find what you want to like about yourself.