Unhappy

Hello everyone who reads this:

Ever since I could remember, I never liked myself. I was an overweight child and therefore I felt not pretty compared to my other skinny classmates. It was exhausting because I was only five-years old and I already concerned about my weight and not think about enjoying my childhood.

Not only physical appearance was my concern but also the fact that I used to feel I was not good enough at anything. I felt my grades, my achievements and being an obedient, calm child was not enough for others especially my parents to be proud of. Therefore, I never really enjoyed and be happy for myself for being a smart child.

As years went by, I also discovered I didn't like myself in the aspect to create relationships with people. My social skills sucked because I was a very quiet and shy girl and children generally talk a lot and be excited all the time. I on the other hand was a loner. I only had two or three friends in elementary and intermediate schools. If I create a relationship with somebody, I would usually stop contributing to be connected all the time. I never called my friends just to talk for the hell of it. I was always worrying what others thought about me.

I always thought, "what will they say about me? I don't want to be seen as a stupid, ugly, fat child." Man, when I look back, I realized I was obssed making others happy and fulfill their wishes. I never focused about what made me happy. Therefore, I never knew what is being happy supposed to mean.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist and I am trying to improve my relationships with anyone else. I naturally become socially isolated and that is why I feel miserable. I feel lonely but I know it is my fault for pushing people away and not getting to know me. I want to know the true meaning to have a friend or anyone who cares enough to be part of my life.

You sound very self-aware which is a good starting point. This psychiatrist, does he do "talk" therapy with you? I suspect you might be interested to learn about social anxiety or social phobia. I worry about what others will think of me a lot at work. It is a common problem and can be worked on. If you are interested to read some books on social anxiety or social phobia, let me know. I can list a few titles that you may find interesting. I have been doing some research in the area because of my desire to improve my social skills and self-esteem.

I agree with hopeful that you sound very self aware and kudos to you for working with a psychiatrist. We're also here for support, and many people here do understand. Keep posting, you'll find friends here (heck I have....lol)