So unhappy

Well, I've browsed this board a bit and thought I'd try to post.

I've been divorced now for 5 months, separated from my ex almost two years. We have four kids, two grown and on their own, two living with me (teens).

My ex and I had a very hard time before he left (I gave him the ultimatum to end an affair or leave). Before he left, he probably was going through some bad midlife crisis. After he left, I found a lot of porn and other information on the family computer that indicated this affair wasn't just an affair, and that there could have been a possible sex addiction going on for a while.

During this time, I noticed how withdrawn he was, he was terribly mean (either he would ignore me or be totally cruel). I got terribly depressed. I don't think I ever got through this.

I've had so many stressful events the last few years that I'm really very unhappy and had even thought of suicide a few times. I'm now still trying to sell or get rid of our family home and it is in the process of foreclosure. And my ex is blaming me for this. Whenever I try to talk to him about this or the kids, he will make certain that his solution is to turn the blame onto me, and put his girlfrined on the phone to insult me.

I can't take this any longer. I did not want this divorce, but my ex gave me no choice. We were married a very long time, and all that happened killed my self esteem, my self confidence, and any hope I have for even having a future for myself. (I'm still relatively young... mid 40s.) I have a hard time trusting anyone these days, and my life sucks. I think I'm even nuts for saying this, but I still love my ex in someways. I just don't think he'll ever return to the person he used to be before all of this... and seeing him or even talking to him tears me apart still.

Some things he said to me just before and during our divorce were horrible. I ended up becoming very angry and retaliating... not good, I know. I didn't plan for my life to be this way. I had a very long marriage. Did anyone else go through anything like this?

{{{{{{{{geekgirl}}}}}}}}}

Welcome to the forums You will find so many wonderful people here to help you and offer the support you need.

You are definitely not alone here at all. I went through a very difficult divorce 4 years ago and I have to say for the past year and a half is when things have really come together for me. I had a son with my ex...was in a physically and mentally abusive marriage....he was a sex addict....I could go on and on. There are so many similarities to your situation. I also lost my house due to foreclosure so I know where you are coming from there too.

I can tell you this though.....you will get better. There is hope and you will come out of all of this a stronger person. I know it is hard to hear that right now - I know hun - but you will get through this. I am here whenever you need to talk, cry or vent as well as so many other caring people.

To give you hope....yes I lost my house and was at one of my darkest times (and yes suicide was a thought then too) but I came through it. I now have another wonderful little boy(he's 2) - my oldest is now 7..I am in a great relationship...we live in a great place and I am back on my feet financially. It was no picnic believe me but I am so glad I am where I am today.

Please know that we care and keep posting.


Heather

Welcome. I hope you can spend some time and make yourself at home here.

I can't relate to your story, but have witnessed similar stories. It is terribly difficult, but you can get through it.

This is a good place to share yourself, good and bad, and get unconditional love, and some good advice in return.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

Ggirl..... ( you might think of changing your name btw).... I am confident that your life will turn around. Please do not take the situation with your ex personally. Clearly he has his owns demons to conquer. Just take the time to reflect and understand what went wrong in the relationship. Most men like porn to some degree. And most women hate it. But, it can get to the point where it is unhealthy. From a man's perspective porn is never a substitute for real intimacy that is based in love. But, some men can be driven to seek this out if the physical intimacy in their lives is not meeting their needs. I for one think that it is a cry for something that is missing in their lives. I would never want to look or even think about another women if I was with someone that fulfilled me completely.

Welcome to the boards {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am also in my early 40's and yes, life sucks. But you have found your way here, and everyone will try to help get you through whatever you may be feeling. You should try to focus on what YOU need right now - and being degraded is not on the list.

Take care of yourself, and please continue to post.

Mary Alice

Heather, thank you. It seems everyone here is very kind.

I really felt alone through all of this. I have friends in the area, but like most midlife women... we all have our share of problems. One is underground breast cancer treatment, another lost her huband to a plane crash and she underwent kidney surgery, stuff like that. I have no other family in the area except my kids... and I really feel lost still. I don't know if I'll ever get better.

I noticed the depression kicking in about 2-3 years ago. I was on Paxil which I couldn't tolerate... it was hell for me to wean myself off of. Serafem caused allergic reactions for some strange reason for me. Celexa helped, but it's so expensive and my budget is really limited.

I thought that I was getting better... but I've hit a serious fallback. I can't get anything done with the house, and foreclosure is immiment I think. I lose a lot of money in this deal... actual cash sitting in the bank which hurts because my ex conveniently quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay CS, and I cut a deal with him for no spousal support anyway. I may have to end up paying the bank off for a difference between value and loan.

I don't know how to get through this. I have never been this alone or lonely in my life. I came from a close knit family and my own family and my marriage were pretty good for a long time. Never perfect, but we always seemed to be able to get through things together. And now here I am...

Enough of the pity party I suppose. I had a lot of losses and major life chaanges this past two years. I just wish I could kick this overwhelming sense of failure and rejection.

ltrredvett

Thanks for your replies. Geekgirl--well, really am geek for a living. Technical writer... it's a title of honor where I work... I'm a consulting technical writer.

I know my ex has his own demons to conquer. I did take a lot of things personally. I really don't have a problem with porn per se... it's there, it exists. Big deal... it doesn't do anything for me. Like food I don't like to eat... others will like it and eat it. But, it became an obsession with him and because of that and the affair, I felt alone and rejected.

If his needs weren't being met in the marriage, why would he do this? Why not have a quiet, rational discussion about what's happening? Why hurt someone like that?

I was going to comment on that - I thought Geekgirl was a cool name -- but then again, I am also a geek!

You know, I discovered that my boyfriend looks at porn while I'm away (that's part of being a geek - you know how to check for that stuff) but I have to say that it doesn't really bother me too much. It did bother me once or twice when I realized that he looked at it while I ran to the grocery store for milk (god, couldn't he WAIT???), but face it, our relationship isn't exactly stellar right now, either. It's hard to be intimate with your partner when you feel lousy about yourself.

But I hear you about the obsession and definitely about the affair. My heart goes out to you. Divorce sucks - I've been there.

Ian is going to be a-ok!

geekgirl....

Hope I didn't offend you by suggesting you get a different name! lol Had no idea that it was in reference to your profession.

At any rate hang in there. My thoughts are with you during this tough time. God knows I have messed up enough relationships. I am divorced twice (although the second one was a joke).

I just think that the whole porn obssession thing is a symptom of a greater problem. Perhaps depression. Admittedly men and women, for the most part, have vastly different views on porn. Sparingly its harmless. Viewed together with your partner could be cool if you are into that kind of thing. But a greater use of it is unhealthy.

Again, take the time to really reflect on the relationship. Maybe it wasn't the right one for you for what ever reasons. Either way you seem like a pretty level headed, intelligent woman that will bounce back!!!


FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT
http://members.tripod.com/~redeagle3...ulls/ress4.gif

I tried posting here yesterday, and I kept having problems. Guess it must have been due to the server upgrades. A few posts I made disappeared. Oh well..

Nah, you didn't offend me. LOL... I've lived this life for so long that it's a part of my persona... I'm very analytical. It's what I get paid to do, what I have to leverage to get ahead here. It was a skill or a tendency that I used to try to figure out my marriage and it totally failed on me. Someone once told me a quality or talent that is over used or over relied on becomes a drawback or a negative thing.

I agree with the porn obsession, the ex probably was severely depressed. And it affected me... I did interpret that as rejection on my side of things.

I honestly don't think I'll bounce back... if it happens, it won't be quick. This has been a power struggle in some respects between us, and I can't deal well with that. I also had to deal with a lot of this alone since a lot of my support system fell apart during this time. My mom was sick, she's pretty elderly. My older sister was wrapped in my helping my mom and her husband has health issues too. My other sister is 3,000 miles away. Friends of mine had been experiencing life threatening or life altering problems as well. It's hard too to go out and make new friends and say... "hey... I just got out of an addictive relationship...I'm trying to screw my head on right. The only thing going for me is that I have a paycheck."

I'm just not really the person I used to be... I know I'm older, more wiser, whatnot. But that spark that used to really enable me to thrive is gone. I simply don't know if I can get it back. Just the experience of going through what I did with the ex killed a lot inside of me.

Thanks LMo. Yup... that part of being is geek is true. It's how I nailed my ex. Sometimes you just don't need to verify what you know is true.

Divorce does suck... and it isn't the panacea of a solution to marital/family problems that a lot of folks want to believe it is.

Thanks Mary Alice... and others I haven't responded to. I really tried posting yesterday... but it failed miserably!

I am trying hard to focus on myself, but that's the hardest thing of all to do. I used to be focused, goal-oriented... driven. There used to be a lot of motivation in my life to move on. Now... I just don't see it, I just don't have it in me. My life has changed drastically in a very short period of time, and my head and heart just cannot catch up to all that's happened.. it isn't processing.

Geekgirl, when I read the words you write it strikes home to me so very much. You are right in that divorce is not the panacea that many people think that it will be. Certainly was the case for me. Admittedly I am probably more miserable now, for different reasons, that I was before I split. But, I have to keep reminding myself that things could of been worse if I had chosen to stay.

I can also relate to once being so goal oriented and now being "stuck". All I can say to that is that if you had that in you at one time, it is still there. It is just a matter of bringing it out once again. And, with time, I am sure you will.

I was glad to have been able to offer my perspective on your situation. Hang in there and keep on plugging!!!

ltlredvett,

That's a hard thing for me to take. I belive things would have been better had we decided not to split when we did, but rather worked things out.

The ex called me yesterday on my cell phone while I was at work. I shouldn't have answered it, but I did. I ended up leaving my office to take a walk when we talked--rather, argued. He wanted me to do some things regarding the house that I thought were wrong or unethical. Told me to put zeroes on his part of the financial forms since he's no longer working and that he told me he doesn't need to submit any bank statements, income statements, that sort of thing. I was trying to negotiate with the bank to do a deed in lieu of foreclosure and they want documentation that states we can't carry the note on the house. Well, this exposes only MY few assets and none of his in case they need to negotiate with us any remaining debt on the house.

He then proceeded to blame me why the house didn't sell and said it was stated in the divorce decree that it was MY responsibility. Well, perhaps so. But I did the best I could. He is joint owner, and didn't lift a finger. We got into a terrible argument that degraded very rapidly into things that hurt a lot.

He proceeded again to reinforce how ugly I was, that I was stupid, incompetent, undesirable. He went for the jugular, and I sat outside on a bench crying for I don't know how long while I let him say those things. I couldn't even stand up for myself. He told me I poisoned our kids against him because I didn't keep my mouth shut about what happened to me. I told them about what happened and why we're divorced. I never slammed their dad to them, but I became so despondent one day and one of them asked. All of our daughters, except the youngest one, pretty much have nothing to do with him now. And he thinks it's all my fault.

I called my counselor, and luckily, she was able to take my call and even called me back later. There are days I can barely get out of bed. I also talked to my oldest daughter, and I hate doing that, but sometimes, my daughter is all I have.

I feel so lonely and isolated. I barely function at work, there are days it does seem more logical to me to be dead. The house note would be paid off through insurance, the kids would have the money they need for their college, and I wouldn't feel like this. I couldn't feel then. I have a decent life insurance policy, and it would take care of at least some needs for everyone that I can't meet now.

I feel ugly and unwanted. I loved my ex, and I never once cheated on him and I don't understand why he has to tell me these things, even if they are true. I'm an emotional wreck and I honestly don't think I'll ever get better. This man does not care who he hurts. I feel like I wasted my life now... and honestly, at this age, I resent having to start all over again and being exposed to someone's abuse like this. I resent having to be told time and time again that he was a martyr, that he never should have married me or that he never loved me.

I did all I could. In fact, for a long time... right after our divorce was final, I felt some relief. I moved into my own place, I had a social life, and I was at least able to do some decent work. Now though, I've had such a backslide I don't think I'll get back. Life before was barely tolerable, and now it seems like I have nothing to really live for. I'm miserable and unhappy and I don't think I'll ever be happy or at least content.

geekgirl.....

I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time now. PLEASE do not take what your ex said about you personally. When a relationship breaks up your significant other is likely to say things about you that are very unkind, even if deep down inside they really care about you. It is just part of the ugliness of relationship break up. I can remember my ex wife telling me..."Why would I want to be with you any way... you have a huge forehead, a bald spot and a big gap in your teeth"....

It is incredible how significant otehrs can do things or say things about you that are so incredibly hurtful. My now ex girlfriend has taken little pieces of information and let her imagination go wild. She has accused me of infidelity in the worst way. I had shared with you before that I did have an interest in sexual fantasy, but it was just that ... fantasy. I have always had a very active imagination...... and I think like many guys (although most wouldn't admit it) use these fantasies on occasion. My ex girlfriend has taken this lttle tid bits of information to assume I am a sex addict. She has even told 4 people abou it. And 2 of those people work at my place of business. You know how it goes, you tell 4 peeople, its a nice juicy story so they tell 4 people and before you know it everyone knows.

I think that significant others do these kinds of things to protect themselves. If they make you out to be something undesirable or evil it somehow rationalizes to them that the breakup is a good thing. Unfortunately in so doing it can be extremely damaging. So pleae consider the source and brush it off. Admittedly I am trying to do that but it is just not that easy for me. I am scared to death that these rumors are going to go through my place of busines like wild fire and that my job is at risk. So, it wasn't bad enough that I am grieving a relationship I have to deal with that worry as well. Things probably couldn't get much worse for me than they are right now. Like you I have gone through all the thinking and planning on how my family would be better off without me. Kids wouldn't have to shuttle between mom's house and mine, and my retirement savings would cover their expenses until they were grown and on their own. Many here have suggested that I should build my life around myself as I had built my life around her. Thats fine in theory. The problem is that I love being with her. I miss having her to talk to and share my life with. I am deeply hurt that she thought these things of me, but I understnad that it was probably a defense mechanism. I don't want to be on my own. I want to be with her. And I know all the platitudes about how you need to be there for your kids, that I have worth as a person without her in my life, etc., etc., etc. But, people are social beings they are meant to interact, to have human touch, to love, to share. And it is so very hard to find that special someone, especially at nearly 50 years ofage. So when you do find that it is indeed a blessing.

I just can't take this nonsense any longer. It seems that no matter what I do I wind up with my life in chaos.

Sorry for being so long winded here, I guess the bottom line is that significant others do these things to protect themsleves without any regard for how it is going to affect us. I wish you well geekgirl, I really do. You have impressed me with your insight and your words which are very heart felt and genuine.

For me I am going to find peace once and for all. Up until this latest fiasco I was pretty ambivalent on how to go about achieving that peace. Now it all seems very clear to me.

I am having a hard time sorting out so much stuff. I bet it is awful for you.

There are times where you just have to have someone else take care of complicated messes to be sure it is done right and to insulate you. Do you have an attorney? I think you need one, if you don't. If you do, make them take care of all this crap from your ex.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

vette...

It's very hard for me not to take anything he says personally... he goes for the jugular.

I don't understand the ugliness... why justify behavior on ugliness to another person? The negativity is killing me, and it makes me want to do nothing but make certain he hurts as well... sound sick? It sure as hell is sick.

Honestly, fantasies are just that. Nothing real. I know about how the grapevine rumore mill works... and that's another reality of all of this crap. You try to confide in someone and speak your truth clearly and quietly. Remember the Deserata prayer? if you don't know what that is, let me know. I'll post it.

But... back to the thought... you go out and seek some support or help through a problem. A nice juicy story comes out because there are interesting details. All of a sudden, you have fifteen minutes of fame because the details are so important to someone without the entire picture. And... I honestly could care less whether I am a victim of rumor mills or gossip. Somewhere in all of the hubub is a kernel of truth that I am trying to speak and seek assistance with.

I know how lonely you must be... and I know all of the platitudes in the world do not make up for the loss or make you feel an smidgen better. The defense mechanisms themselves are terrible... the prevent the human touch, to love, to share, to open up enough to do that. And yet... if the defense mechanisms are down or gone... you have to trust. I am in no position to trust again right now.

Trust me... anyone with a huge forehead, a bald spot, and a gap in their teeth is infinitely more attractive and desirable than someone who looks like a movie star but still lies, betrays, and hurts. It's what's inside that counts, and yet we are so focused on the external appearances that it's disgusting. I look in a mirror every day... I see an average looking woman... I look younger than I am, I have blue eyes and blonde hair... true, I'm not a willow thin model, but I gave birth to four children. True, I am not a rocket scientist nor will I ever save the world from hunger or war... and yet somewhere I have to believe I made a valuable contribution somewhere through my work and my family.

The little tid bits of information to me are just that... tid bits. They aren't the whole story. It's stuff you can build fiction around.

I never, ever confronted my ex with anything unless I had some validated, reliable information with a source. And still, he would lie and blame... and in the long run... it plain hurt to be placed in a situation where I felt I was between a rock and a hard spot, and no other options than two evils: try to make a marriage work and salvage a relationship with someone who clearly demonstrated addictive behaviors and was very cruel or to divorce him. To me, it was similar to choosing which limb to sever... did I want to lose an arm or a leg. He refused to admit he had any problems or difficulties. That forcing all blame on to me was the solution. I am not at all motivated to take care of anything else in this life of mine right now... and I'm not certain I wish to again. Everything I did that could have been construed as helpful, positive, or as rebuilding my life got fed back down my throat and I was forcefed with all of my mistakes... as if all I was worth was being constantly reminded of how much I failed. I have nothing to look at and say... "hey... I did this.. and it is ok." That too is taken from me, and either minimized or stomped on. No validation, no positive reinforcement. So, I feel if there is none of that in my life... if someone so clearly important to me cannot validate that... then to me it often seems as if perhaps the statements are true. I'm worthless, I've wasted my life and space and air on this earth. I'm not attractive or desirable, and nothing can cure that.

"Love your enemy--it will scare the hell out of them." - Mark Twain

kvinneakt...

I do have an attorney. This is financially killing me. There is probably little or no way of getting any recompensation, child support, or assistance either. He flat out does not wish to work, has hidden or spent all of his assets, and is being supported by his *married* gal pal.

I have a good job, and a decent income. However, with the rate I have had to spend in order to protect myself and take care of a lot of things... I will end up destitute I think.

geekgirl....

My heart goes out to you. I do have to reinforce to you not to take the crap from your ex personally.

I can relate to your situation of feeling tapped out and destitute. Having gone throgh two divorces, being taken be a gold digger the resultant financial fallout is enormous. I don't know what to tell you other than I can relate to what you are going through, and what you are feeling.

You can not have the opinions of one person change the way you feel about yourself. If you let him beat you down, you will let him win. The best way to "show him" is to be strong and move on. With that being said I know that is easier said than done. I know in my case there is nothing I want more than to get strong, be healthy and productive and demonstrate to my ex girlfriend that she was dad wrong about me. But then their are other times I just want to throw in the towel because there is only so much stress, heartache and disappointment one person can handle.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm more or less just journaling here...

Thanks, red vette. I know he's won. That's half my problem.

I am very lonely and alone. I honestly feel as though I am unable to be strong again, this cloud over my life just won't go away.

I can even identify most triggers when I backslide like this. Our 25th anniversary is coming up, this house situation is stressful, and the idea I may need to file Chapter 7 is contributing to it. The phone call I had with the ex yesterday did not help. I can tell in his voice and in his demeanor that he himself hurts like hell on the inside and yet I cannot overcome my resentment and just listen to him any longer. To do some means in someway I am validating him hurting me more. So when he does attempt to communicate with me, I do my damnedest to shut him up.

The dynamic in our relationship caused me to dislike myself intensely. I got no positive affirmation in that dynamic, I found myself questioning everything about myself, and every vulnerability I had was exposed and I felt threatened. It was a vicious cycle of control and power struggles. Our relationship was not built on that... it was built on mutual respect and a lot of love.

I feel like a failure in a lot of ways...

Like vette says... I want to be strong and prove the ex he's dead wrong about me. But, more than that... I want to prove myself I'm a good, kind, decent person. And in some sick and weird way, I still need the ex to remind me of that. I just feel like he threw me away and didn't regret what he lost... me, his daughters (he has no relationship with 3 of 4 of them), and is so lost in his fantasy world. He retreated in to a world that no one can reach him.

I feel in a lot of ways that I am grieving a death. The anger, the denial, the bargaining... all of the cycles that Elisabeth Kubler Ross wrote about so many years ago. I remember feeling a lot of these things when my father passed away many years ago. But, then... I was able to accept my father's death. There was a long period of his illness and hospitalizations, and I had the opportunity to say goodbye to him in my own way and in my own time. I was able to grieve without this psychotic situation around me. And... funny thing about all of that was... my father died at what I then considered the worst time of my life. I had just moved 200 miles away to be with my ex and family, I had our third daughter and she was hospitalized with menigitis at just a few days of age, my ex lost his job and we lost our medical benefits, we had to file Chapter 13 due to medical expenses surrounding our daughter's birth and hospitalizations, and my father died. The moment my daughter was released from the hospital, I was driving 200 miles in order to attend my father's passing and funeral.

Now... I do not know if I have the strength I did in my late 20s. I have gone through a lot of loss and change within the past two years. The death of a marriage, an empty nest, financial changes that are difficult if not impossible to get through, the loss of a home, a move, and loss of an extended family -- my in-laws. I miss them a lot, but resolved to stay away from them, not to communicate directly with them in case my ex needed someone to talk to. Last I hear, he hasn't really talked much to them except to beg his dad for a loan. I have my ways of passing information to and from them, and I think they understand my position and that I do not want to hurt them or ignore them... but I do not feel comfortable participating in their lives or as part of their family right now.

It's taking me forever to write this now... I need to get to a few other tasks. I have a hard time concentrating on a lot of things any longer. And it's holding me back, and now I have to pay attention to a kitten my daughter brought home...

(((geekgirl)))

Divorces are a terrible thing to experience. It seems no one's is the same as anothers, and yet, the majority inflict much pain.

Your ex knows you well and is able to punch the right buttons. My advice to you is simple. Limit the time you have to spend with him or talking to him. He is your ex and as such, needs to be in your past as much as possible.

I understand he is the father of your children and you will have to tolerate him to a degree. It is during these times it is most important for you to hold him at bay, and what I have found to work best for me is to limit the conversation. Don't argue, or attempt any conversation that isn't necassary. And regardless of what he says - don't let him rile you and see it hurt (even if it does). I think, if you would apply that, he would soon see how little he is and ease up.

Sam (who will keep his fingers crossed)