Hating myself today

I was raped and I blame myself for not being strong enough to make him stop. I was on the bus and many nonraping people just watched the bus rape whirlpool without helping me. I hate myself very much and I think they would have helped a different girl who was not me. I am over 50 years old with grey hair so he choose a weak person on purpose... I hate being old and weak too. If I wasn't old, weak, tiny, ugly, worthless, etc... he would not have gotten away with hurting me.

I never really had too much good selfesteem but now I have very bad selfesteem.

Hi WhatDayIsItAgain,

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I PROMISE you that you or nothing about you was in ANY WAY to blame for what happened
There are NEVER any excuses for rape, and the perpetrator ALONE was to blame for what happened (although personally I would implicate the watchers TOO!!!).
And rape..........I'd say that even a younger, physically fit person could be completely helpless in that situation..........the shock........the fear...........although I do understand how you must have felt very vulnerable
The watchers.............you might not be intending to...........but please try not to justify their reaction by saying you were old...........BOTTOM LINE..............they were WRONG (and that's putting it VERY mildly!!!!).
So WhatDayIsItAgain, please, please, please try not to take on the shame that should be rightfully HIS, rightfully THEIR'S. You are worth SO MUCH more than that!!!
And, if you're not already then maybe you could get some help with what happened to you.............if I can suggest a link others have found helpful:
https://rainn.org/
A lot of people who have been through things like you have, have found it helpful to get support this way.



Alison

Hello WhatDayIsItAgain: I'm sorry you had to have this tragic experience. Many years ago now, throughout high school, I had to ride a school bus every day. There was a gang of older toughs that rode the same bus. They terrorized me twice a day every school day for most of the four years I was in high school. I'm convinced that if they had ever gotten me alone, they'd have killed me. Everyone knew what was going on including my parents, the bus driver, the school administration, but no one cared & no one did anything to stop it. All these years later, it still haunts me. I hope that you will be able to find a way to overcome what was done to you...

Sorry for what happened to you. That is awful. Why people don't do anything? Was he armed or something? It is not your fault at all. It is his and the people who watched faults. I hope you are OK otherwise and he didn't hurt you, and that he will be going to jail soon.

that is absolutely horrible, shame on him and shame on them as well NONE of the blame or shame for this disgusting action belongs to you.

I am so sorry for your pain! If I was there I would have jumped in I promise. I was teenager riding a bus to work when an older man sat next to me. I should have gotten up but the bus was packed. He put his hands on my leg I was mortified and afraid and that hand kept moving. I saw adults watching no one said a word, i finally came to my senses and jumped away humiliated and horrified that no one cared! I felt worthless. ((((What Day Is It again))))
:sadhus: You are worthwhile!