Feeling fundamentally flawed

I started a new job two weeks, and I walk around feeling scared most of the time. Everyone I work with are really, really nice. Always stopping by my cubby to ask me how I'm doing. They have such a lot of patience with the students. This school emphasizes being very helpful to students, a little family, and I really want to live up to their expectations. But my student evaluations are usually average or slightly above, and I was fired from my last two jobs (contract not renewed), so I have a lot of anxiety.

I'm no spring chicken, and the years until retirement are short. I've almost exhausted my savings in the past three years of part-time and under-employment. Another bout of low income, and I don't know what will happen financially. On top of that, the condo board has put special assessments on the unit that has completely gutted the equity and made selling it a loss.

When I feel financially trapped and that I've made a big ole stupid decision, that also strikes me self-esteem.

I feel as if I'm fundamentally flawed. Since 2003, my man done left me; one old friend stopped returning phone calls and more recently, a second one has done so. I just don't seem to be able to be the person that anyone needs or wants me to be.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

(((((wants2fly)))))) I, personally, do not think your bouts of terrible luck, bad choices, or whatever make you fundamentally flawed. There are so many things that go into not getting contracts renewed and homeowners assoc. are not even worth talking about - most of them are just corrupt. Sometimes friends quit calling not because they do not care but because they do not know what to do to help or what to say. It is hard to watch a friend struggle and sometimes people take the easy way out and just stay away. Try just thinking positive thoughts about your new job - it sounds like a really nice place to work which seems to be a start in the right direction. Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself.

Wants! I can so identify. I really think much of this has to do with being a single independent working female. And being over 50 adds to the mix. I am so there with you on this. I've sunk a lot of money into improvements in this little old humble house I bought. I sold my big house with the intention of cutting my costs and lightening my load financially. But if I tried to sell it now, it would also be at a loss. Still, what I'm paying is less than rent would be for a similar sized place. My bills outweigh my income, and my job is becoming more and more tentative, with cuts in art education the norm now. There was serious talk of cutting my job to half time last year, and I walk on eggshells with the new administration.
No men on the horizon, and I've stopped thinking of that as an option. I used to think I'd find a wonderful partner with whom I'd be able to share and existence, including the financial responsibilities, but the men I met since divorce 11 years ago, were stingy and/or corrupt, and I lost a lot financially and emotionally thru my naivete and generosity, giving all to these relationships. I no longer look to that as an option.
Feeling flawed? I don't think you're flawed at all. I think you're one strong woman and a role model for all of us!
Love
Patty

Thank you, Pita and Patty. It helps when I get this low and see things "through a glass darkly" to know that there are alternative ways of looking at things.

Patty, I think it's great that you even have a thought of relationships, and that Fayerody actually has had some. I am not yet 60, and I no longer think about having relationships. It seems too young to be so resigned. I try to fantasize and imagine what it might be like to have a loving relationship. I cannot do it, despite my best efforts. Relationships do not make sense to me anymore. I had planned to march into old age with my mate of 15 years, and I do not know what I did that was so awful that we could not go to counseling and try to set things right. Apparently, what I did was age, become ill, and lose my job so that I was no longer "a good earner" as I overheard him telling a friend.

It feels strange and wrong to be so totally devoid of interest in having a lovng relationship -- as if the roots of the tree have died. The trunk is still standing, but it is only a shadow of life. I don't even know how to express how weird it feels to have that part of me be completely dead and cut off to me. But I simply cannot pretend that it is still there. It's not.

Sorry to ramble. Not having a good time today.

I think some of it is the "change" and only being on the job a couple weeks. It use to take me 6 months to get use to a new job. I'd just put your fears on "hold" for a bit and see what time does. You aren't being evaluated yet, you have learned a great deal from the other jobs about what students think and have some insights into how you can improve, etc. You're a smarter cookie than you use to be!

It's not your fault your property value has gone done, that's happened pretty much everywhere; it could still go back up. Have you looked into distance education (here's the program I'm in: http://www.umuc.edu/programs/grad/md...training.shtml ) to get credentials that will make you attractive to teach for universities online? Then your age won't really matter. I'm looking at such things as I'm retired and not getting any younger either :-)

Take a little heart that we baby boomers are a huge lot and those coming after us aren't "enough" for all the work there will be to do. I think we older folk are going to be more "useful" than our parents were thought to be at our age.

I don't think we're "flawed" I just think things change awfully fast these days and it's hard to keep up! It's a different world from our grandparents' one.

It's an interesting evolution really..."The roots of the tree have died..." That's one way of looking at it, but it can also be a positive thing! I thank my lucky stars, my guardian angels, that I didn't end up tethered to any of the men to whom I devoted so much energy. I'm truly appalled now at how much I compromised myself.
Independence is a good thing, even if we struggle financially and emotionally. I've been thinking today about how much I could DO, how much freedom I have.
Love,
Patty

(((((((((((Wants2Fly)))))))))))))
It seems to me when I try to be my most careful is when I mess up. Be there at work, as you are here, a sweet, kind, caring, open friend. And they'll love you as much as we do!!!!

Thank you, Pickle, for saying that. It was sweet.

It's not just sweet, it's true. You've always got something nice to say, good advice and/or you're able to share yourself with us.

Awwwww, shucks.

TY Fuzzy.

Wants2Fly,

I am presenting you with a gold cup for your valiant efforts to educate young adults. It isn't an easy road.

I think we are all flawed, but standing up in front of a classroom can make us feel more vulnerable about those flaws.

I'm sorry about the loss of your spouse. Life is puzzling at times, and doesn't always turn out as we had hoped.

The real estate market in general stinks. I'm sorry about the extra assessments.

Age discrimination is real. My former Fortune 500/1000 employer has recently settled out of court on a class action suit. The attorneys unearthed a lot of information about how layoffs were based on age.

I wish you all the best on your new job.

Shoulders back. Head up. You go girl!!

I wish Candybear could give me and you her steeliness when it comes to student evaluations.

Hey, Candybear, how do you do it?

Your true friends are still here.

EJ

Wants2Fly,

I forgot to say that your decision to forget about men for now, is a wise decision. I think it shows an inner strength and wisdom.

I think it is also great that Fayerody has inspired many of us here.

EJ

((((((((((((((( Wants2Fly ))))))))))))))

Wants2Fly,

It took me a while to see this post, but it hits a thinking spot in my mind that was there form the time I was 20ish (many moons ago...around 1973). When I was in highschool, I had a boyfriend in Ohio (I lived in California). He talked about getting married....& he did....to someone in Ohio. Then got divorced a few years later, wanting to get back together. It was at that point in my life that I wondered why women always base their life goals on finding the right man in their lives. Why does our happiness have to be dependent on finding that right man to share life with? At that point in life, I was determined to have my career & take care of myself & be happy with who & what I was as the person I was.....never depending on someone else to make me complete.

Then a few years later, I met a nice person who is a nice person. We got married & the rest I have posted about here. Even when I was married, I kept the belief that I wasn't defined by the marriage I was in....I defined myself as a person. Needless to say, with a person who didn't understand that concept of marriage, we have had a most impossible 32 years of nothing but tolerating each other & then everything became based on what we could get with the money we both brough it. Sure, we shared great vacation times in our vacation condo in Jackson Hole Wyo, winter skiing, our backpacking weeks in the Sierra Mountains & the Rockies. But the everyday life wasn't plesant....with the constant stress of being expected to do all the house work (because I was the wife) & also hold down my career.

When my depression took over in 1994 (when my career ended), I felt I had nothing because at that time, I defined myself by my career. I hated my family life & my career was my escape into my life. No income except disability & bills that were left over from a 2 career relationship. Even more depression. I guess if the relationship had been good, I might have felt better, but I never believed that a relationship was what makes a person anyway.

After purchasing my farm in Ky & spending quality alone time there, I finally realized that the thoughts & values that I had before I ever got married were still valid. Unless I can be satisfied with myself as a person & happy with who I am & what I am (not meaning my job or career either), I will never be able to share happiness with anyone else. My husband is also living proof it exactly what I am saying. He is a miserable unhappy person who is self absorbed & only interested in what money can get him. Now that his career was ended several years ago, he is even more miserable. I truely believe that until he gets in touch with himself & starts to know who he is & what his values are, he can never be part of a partnership. I believe that we are not flawed because of the things that are going wrong or the relationships we aren't successful in. Why should we take the whole blame for relationships going bad?....it is just as much th fault of the other people as it is ours.

If we can be happy with who we are (not dependent on others) & what we are, what we do & the values we hold.....then we aren't flawed.....& I believe that you defenitely aren't flawed.

Debbie