[MetalLover97]

I'm finding it really difficult to cope with all the thoughts in my head. I know some of them are irrational, but they're still there.

I've had no self-esteem for years, but I don't see it as a self-esteem issue - in my mind, I have the right level of self-esteem for the quality of person I am, because I am a worthless waste of oxygen with no good qualities or talents. Well, if I have good qualities, I can't find or access them. People have told me I should work on improving my self-esteem, but I don't want to do that because I'm just generally rubbish and don't want to lie to myself and make me believe positive things about myself that aren't true, just to make myself happy.

Having to live as me makes me feel so depressed and I so desperately want to be something, but it's so hard to improve myself when my mental state is like this. Some people close to me have told me things they find positive about me, but I always deny and argue against them, so people stop trying because they know I'll just shut down whatever they say. I'm realising that I have a mental block about accepting positive (if there even is anything positive about me) about myself - maybe because it's hard to think anything good about someone I hate so much? There's something in my mind that prevents me not hating myself, like I can't even get my head around the idea of me ever being okay with myself. I always say I can't think of any good things about myself but I think it's also that I don't want to think of anything good, because that would destroy the image of myself being this worthless trash, which is something I've felt for so long that that's what I'm used to now (I struggle with change). Like I try to think of something, then there's part of my mind that just makes me stop and not going any deeper into it. I don't want to do the whole self-love thing, but I can't cope with feeling like this.

[Skeezyks]

[lotusblossom19]

You are worthy. You are somebody.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by MetalLover97

I've had no self-esteem for years...

That is not possible. Self-esteem can be a matter of quality, but never a matter of quantity. Therefore, here is your esteem-of-self:

Originally Posted by MetalLover97

...worthless waste of oxygen with no good qualities or talents...generally rubbish...someone I hate...worthless trash...

I would guess some arrogant, egotistical, self-deluded person in your past used to (and maybe still does) boast about his or her alleged greatness...and there is where you got the fruitless notion of being your own judge, jury and executioner.

You are as worthy of breath as anyone, and your healing in the area of self-esteem can begin just as soon as you stop trying to declare your own worth.

[MetalLover97]

Thank you for your responses. I think I have a lot of problems with my thought processes relating to self-esteem because if I start to think maybe I should try to feel okay about myself, there's an overpowering part of me tells me I can't and that I'd be lying to myself if I did. It's like self-hate has become my identity and I'm almost nervous at the thought of letting it go, even though it destroys me so much.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by MetalLover97

...if I start to think maybe I should try to feel okay about myself, there's an overpowering part of me tells me I can't and that I'd be lying to myself if I did.

Break the thought of "okay about myself" into smaller pieces, then begin with being okay about yourself as a human being with needs, desires, ambitions and so on. Then work at being okay with the fact that some of us are more needy than others...

...and then somewhere along the way and within all of that, work at being okay with the fact that no two people are ever identical and we can each only "run whatcha brung" to the human race anyway.

The Tin Man thought he was heartless, the Lion appeared lacking in courage and the Scarecrow seemed to have no brain...and yet each still kept moving on along and ultimately discovered much worth in the lives and hearts of others.

[Marylin]

Big hugs from me to you Metallover.My first response is were you put down a lot and found fault with in your childhood or as a young adult in maybe a school environment?You seem to think so little of yourself and negatively.

Is it because of your own inner critic I wonder?When we are verbally or emotionally abused we take on board what our critics say and our own voice becomes critical hard and judgemental when it is referring to ourselves.It is like we can't bear the pain of others doing that to us and find it easier to deal with the pain if we agree with the abuser,somehow we identify with the abuser cos we like them, we automatically agree,after all if someone I think highly of thinks I am loser with nothing going for me he/she must be right,is the conclusion we come to!

And that voice starts policing us and making us live up to high standards that are impossible to meet when we fall short we criticise ourselves and the negative internal critic is born.

Usually we then develop perfectionist attitudes and making mistakes isn't allowed and we beat ourselves up and think lowly of ourselves.

When we are aware this is going on and has happened we can stop that voice from bringing us down and start to think more caring and self loving of ourselves,so then our peace of mind grows,our low self turns into higher self esteem and we can start talking positively to ourselves and lose the inner critic.

Use affirmations,say to yourself I am ok just as I am,I no longer have a need to undermine myself,my opinion of myself gets better every day,I approve of myself,I love myself ,every day I give myself love and understanding,I am good enough,I love and support myself.Feelings of inadequacy do not reflect who and what I am and what I stand for in life.My confidence grows daily.

Thus by interrupting the pattern of self negativity we change our inner landscape and feel much more relaxed and more love for ourselves we see that the reality is we can feel better about ourselves and we are not that bad a person after all,we have worth as much as the person next to us.We can stop comparing ourselves with others and falling short too,each one of us is unique and special but of equal worth.

[MetalLover97]

Originally Posted by Marylin

Big hugs from me to you Metallover.My first response is were you put down a lot and found fault with in your childhood or as a young adult in maybe a school environment?You seem to think so little of yourself and negatively.

Is it because of your own inner critic I wonder?When we are verbally or emotionally abused we take on board what our critics say and our own voice becomes critical hard and judgemental when it is referring to ourselves.It is like we can't bear the pain of others doing that to us and find it easier to deal with the pain if we agree with the abuser,somehow we identify with the abuser cos we like them, we automatically agree,after all if someone I think highly of thinks I am loser with nothing going for me he/she must be right,is the conclusion we come to!

And that voice starts policing us and making us live up to high standards that are impossible to meet when we fall short we criticise ourselves and the negative internal critic is born.

Usually we then develop perfectionist attitudes and making mistakes isn't allowed and we beat ourselves up and think lowly of ourselves.

When we are aware this is going on and has happened we can stop that voice from bringing us down and start to think more caring and self loving of ourselves,so then our peace of mind grows,our low self turns into higher self esteem and we can start talking positively to ourselves and lose the inner critic.

Use affirmations,say to yourself I am ok just as I am,I no longer have a need to undermine myself,my opinion of myself gets better every day,I approve of myself,I love myself ,every day I give myself love and understanding,I am good enough,I love and support myself.Feelings of inadequacy do not reflect who and what I am and what I stand for in life.My confidence grows daily.

Thus by interrupting the pattern of self negativity we change our inner landscape and feel much more relaxed and more love for ourselves we see that the reality is we can feel better about ourselves and we are not that bad a person after all,we have worth as much as the person next to us.We can stop comparing ourselves with others and falling short too,each one of us is unique and special but of equal worth.

Thank you so much for your response. I was bullied a lot at school, which I know still has a big effect on me. Also, I performed well academically and that became most of my identity. I felt that getting the highest grades was the only way I could ever be worth anything, so I felt even worse when my grades weren't to my high standards. So what you said is pretty much my situation.

[Piglette]

I wanted to reply because I struggle with this, too. I was also bullied a lot at school, about my appearance and also my general pathetic-loser aura. I've never had confidence in my life, but it was then, when school became such a hell on earth that I had to drop out, that I "found out" what a crap person I am in this society. Never before then did I hate myself, insult myself, or belittle myself. Only internalizing what other teenagers said and did to me at a rough (now closed down) school. I learned to see myself this way. I'm thinking maybe it was the same for you? You internalized what other kids, idiots, cretins with their own fears of social status and being accepted, said and did. We become the bully to ourselves forever more, long after the original bullies are gone. And it's really hard to un-learn it, after we were so thoroughly convinced.

But it's vital. For me, personally, I have dreams of a different life, a different perspective, a different way of doing things and relating; and there is a thread in these dreams, what is clearly "the way" to live that life: I see myself differently, think, feel, behave differently. I'm kind to myself. It is the only way. I've realised that you cannot enjoy life and live with peace unless you like yourself and are kind to yourself. If we don't like ourselves, we're essentially sitting next to a person we loathe 24/7, for the rest of our lives. Only with self-esteem and self-respect can we be as strong in life as we want to be. We need to rely on ourselves, have our own backs.

No one is unworthy of self-esteem. Even nasty, rude people who seem to find humor in verbal cruelty have self-esteem. If they can like themselves, we should certainly be able to like ourselves. You cannot be unworthy of your own kindness.

It's hard, I have the same voice in my head that tells me the good things are not true. But this voice is, and perhaps always was, an illusion. Learned, and then held on to. Somehow it has to be let go and replaced with something kind. Only then can we get the strength to fight for a better life.

[MetalLover97]

Originally Posted by Piglette

I wanted to reply because I struggle with this, too. I was also bullied a lot at school, about my appearance and also my general pathetic-loser aura. I've never had confidence in my life, but it was then, when school became such a hell on earth that I had to drop out, that I "found out" what a crap person I am in this society. Never before then did I hate myself, insult myself, or belittle myself. Only internalizing what other teenagers said and did to me at a rough (now closed down) school. I learned to see myself this way. I'm thinking maybe it was the same for you? You internalized what other kids, idiots, cretins with their own fears of social status and being accepted, said and did. We become the bully to ourselves forever more, long after the original bullies are gone. And it's really hard to un-learn it, after we were so thoroughly convinced.

But it's vital. For me, personally, I have dreams of a different life, a different perspective, a different way of doing things and relating; and there is a thread in these dreams, what is clearly "the way" to live that life: I see myself differently, think, feel, behave differently. I'm kind to myself. It is the only way. I've realised that you cannot enjoy life and live with peace unless you like yourself and are kind to yourself. If we don't like ourselves, we're essentially sitting next to a person we loathe 24/7, for the rest of our lives. Only with self-esteem and self-respect can we be as strong in life as we want to be. We need to rely on ourselves, have our own backs.

No one is unworthy of self-esteem. Even nasty, rude people who seem to find humor in verbal cruelty have self-esteem. If they can like themselves, we should certainly be able to like ourselves. You cannot be unworthy of your own kindness.

It's hard, I have the same voice in my head that tells me the good things are not true. But this voice is, and perhaps always was, an illusion. Learned, and then held on to. Somehow it has to be let go and replaced with something kind. Only then can we get the strength to fight for a better life.

Thank you so much for this.