[scarlett35]

Hi everyone.

I've been feeling down in the dumps for quite a while, I've started posts before about my concerns over my masters degree and also about issues with social anxiety and self esteem in my relationship and such. I'm having a really bad blip again today and not sure how to cope with it. It's like if one thing starts bothering me everything comes crashing down and my thoughts just get carried away.

I've realised that all my problems with anxiety and depression and what not come from low self esteem. For some reason I absolutely hate myself and don't feel worthy of anything I have or want to have in the future.

I know this has come from childhood, I was bullied by family and people at school about my weight and about issues with my personality (mainly that I'm apparently too sensitive and take things too personally etc) I get all my self worth from other people's response to me, I want to please all the time to get a good response so I will feel better about myself. But even when I do get a nice response it's not enough. I've changed myself to fit with what I think people want I've completely lost myself in the process.

I used to be so happy and joyful. Used to laugh at everything. But now I just feel like I'm pretending all the time and that I'm faking it. People don't like fake people but they also don't like miserable people either!

This is effecting every area of my life particularly where uncertainty is concerned. My relationship: I don't feel good enough for my partner. I worry he will find someone better or cheat on me etc, even though he is the most wonderful man I've ever met and deep down I know he never would. I worry I wouldn't be able to cope if he left. I've learnt to hide my insecurity in the relationship because I don't want to ruin it like I did the last one, but it eats away at me and has me in floods of tears regularly. When I'm in a downward spiral I analyse every single text to try and tell whether he's going to leave me or not.

My masters: I'm so terrified I won't be able to cope if I fail it. What if I end up homeless? What if I can't get a job? Have no money? I feel my partner would definitely leave me then as I would be useless.

Future job: even applying for jobs gives me terrible anxiety. I don't feel confident enough and don't think people like me enough to give me a reference. I'm terrified of the prospect of it. I don't know what I want to do anyway, and everything so far I've sort of fallen into... id be too scared even if I did know what I wanted to do because I think there would be someone better for it than me.

Health: I suffer from health anxiety, ocd and contamination fears. I feel unlovable enough as it is without adding some scary condition on top of it.

Social relationships: I can't relax and be myself. I don't know how to talk to people, when I'm in a situation I'm constantly thinking how to respond to get them to like me so I can like myself . I actually get sweaty and stuff when I talk to other people. I also feel awkward and embarassed when I'm stood or sat alone?? Like all eyes are on me and everyone is noticing.

My weight: I beat myself up about this constantly. I comfort eat as a form of self medication I suppose. But then feel guilty. I'm putting weight on and worried about other half leaving me again if I get any bigger. I'm not particularly huge but I'm overweight and very disproportionate.

I'm not sure what to do. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I spend hours upon hours Googling for advice on building self esteem, getting over insecurities etc, but it all just seems so wishy washy I don't think it'll work. I don't think looking in a mirror and telling my reflection that I love myself is enough

I'm not on any medication atm. I was on citalopram but I got health anxiety over it, as I was scared of mixing it with my mini pill and if it would have any weird health effects. I'm also due for some therapy soon, however am on a waiting list. This is supposed to deal with the contamination and ocd issues.
Not sure about the rest.

If anyone has any advice or feels similarly then please!! I'm starting to feel like things are never going to get better.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. My heart goes out to you. Definitely therapy will help you and I encourage you to be reevaluated by a psychiatrist for a medicine review. There might be some medication that can help quite a bit. I hope you start feeling more calm and better about yourself. I'm here if you need to talk.

I am sorry about your situation. Your question about finding confidence is a very good one. I understand this. My own experiences back to childhood were damaging to my self-worth.

Where now to find it?

I have recommended CBT a number of times. My experience was a good one and my confidence continues to grow since completing the program. Volunteering is another thing that has been good for making me feel worth while - and needed. My psychiatrist has been a wealth of opportunity too. At his invitation I have participated in student learning and even got up the confidence to attend a seminar. I also took on a bigger role with my support group. It was hard but each time I get involved with something the easier it gets.

[systemfailure]

See your gp and ask them about propranalol, it helps me with anxiety and it kicks in pretty much straight away.

[scarlett35]

Thanks everyone it's best just to let it all out sometimes. I am on a list for CBT. I just hope we can deal with some of the other issues rather than just ocd and contamination fears. I'm in the UK and we get a limited amount of sessions. I don't have a lot of money otherwise I'd look into some private sessions and I'd be happy to pay for it.

Medicine might be a good idea too. I was anxious about the health impacts of them but I was happier when I was on them than now. I don't know if the mini pill is making me feel worse too.

I'm going on holiday on Monday for 4 weeks. So I'm hoping that some time away will give me some perspective on things. My other half is joining me for a week but I'm quite scared about the other 3 without him, but maybe it will be good as it'll teach me that I can cope even when I think I can't. And that my worries aren't as bad as I think/Don't happen.

I just think I've been bogged down for ages and things have built up. I regret so much doing this masters! It's caused so much stress. At least I know not to do a PhD and a different path will be better for me.

I'm wondering if anyone knows of any tips for self esteem that I can start to do on my holiday? Maybe a book I can buy or a website I can read?? I'm not sure if maybe trying to do some self help cbt would work?

[Cimarron]

I'm doing CBT thought records. It's a good way to challenge negative thinking and learn to change it to positive. Even though change takes time I already feel more hopeful even though I've just started CBT.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Cimarron

I'm doing CBT thought records. It's a good way to challenge negative thinking and learn to change it to positive. Even though change takes time I already feel more hopeful even though I've just started CBT.

Is that online?? I might look into that!

[scarlett35]

Is it the app??

Originally Posted by scarlett35

Is that online?? I might look into that!

There are some very good books out there for CBT. Make sure you shop for one with worksheets. Better yet, try to find one with daily exercises, worksheets, and prompts. There is a great deal of daily work required for CBT and it isn't going to work if you don't do it.

My favourite book was "CBT Journal for Dummies". I bought it for $17 (Cdn). It is an 84 day program.

[Cimarron]

Originally Posted by scarlett35

Is that online?? I might look into that!

I did find worksheets online. Google CBT Dysfunctional Thought Record. I also think getting a book is a great idea.

This may sound funny but I find doing these worksheets and exercises fun and amusing at times.

Good for you for being so pro-active .

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Cimarron

I did find worksheets online. Google CBT Dysfunctional Thought Record. I also think getting a book is a great idea.

This may sound funny but I find doing these worksheets and exercises fun and amusing at times.

Good for you for being so pro-active .

Thanks I did them at cbt before and remember them being quite helpful. I found an app for it too. I have a book already but it's ocd based rather than for self esteem and such. So will have to look into other options!

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

There are some very good books out there for CBT. Make sure you shop for one with worksheets. Better yet, try to find one with daily exercises, worksheets, and prompts. There is a great deal of daily work required for CBT and it isn't going to work if you don't do it.

My favourite book was "CBT Journal for Dummies". I bought it for $17 (Cdn). It is an 84 day program.

I'll have a look for that one! It's worth the money if it makes me feel better. I'll just have to take time out each day to do it!

I think this Tedx talk video has some great tips to help you build self confidence (sometimes it is impossible to set boundaries when you are a minor, but when you are an adult, you can figure out how to strengthen your boundaries which will build your self esteem):

Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman |

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I think this Tedx talk video has some great tips to help you build self confidence (sometimes it is impossible to set boundaries when you are a minor, but when you are an adult, you can figure out how to strengthen your boundaries which will build your self esteem):

Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman |

Wow thanks! I'll give that a watch later once I've finished this bit of work I'm doing