[Catriana]

If you never had it in the first place?

I grew up as an average child. I didn't have an over abundance of intelligence, but I wasn't stupid. I was/am a pretty naive person...and I never really thought much of myself on the looks department.

As I grew older and grew out instead of up, I became more convinced that I wasn't very beautiful. Unfortunately, I had married a man that always made me feel as if I wasn't good enough, and that didn't help either (which is another entry entirely on this forum). We divorced and now I'm with my loving fiance who is wonderful to me.

My fiance tells me everyday that I'm beautiful. When I look in the mirror...sometimes, SOMETIMES I see something there that I didn't see before. Sometimes I'll smile and not be irritated by what I see when I do. But when it comes down to it, I just don't see it.

So how does one gain self-esteem? It's not that I think I'm unintelligent or ugly...but I've never thought of myself as beautiful either. I don't like the way I smile, I look horrible in makeup and ever since I've gained weight I've hated my face even more.

What steps can I take to 'cure' this? Taking Zoloft dooesn't really help my self-esteem, so I don't know. I feel kind of lost really.

Help anyone?

[Perna]

Beautiful is not only skin deep. A person has inner beauty. The smile, eyes lighting up with love/joy, etc. is just an outer expression of the inner self-love/self-esteem.

I would start with asking your fiance why he thinks that; what he sees that is beautiful and then take his word for it and look for it through the days yourself. I do that with my husband, ask him why he loves me, what he loves about me and what my strengths are and, because I trust his judgment, I just accept it's true but maybe I can't see it yet? So I start looking for it, knowing it's there and it's just my way of looking that might have troubles.

[amazon]

Hi Catriana. So, I can understand how you emerge from chilhood with low self-esteem. Mine came in fits and starts, and is still building even today. Having been diagnosed bipolar at the age of 44 hasn't helped, but I have discovered one really important thing - I have to start making the things I am good at worth pursuing. I am a business woman, because my parents were business people. But what I really am, is a writer. I have a magical brain when it comes to words, and a God-given talent for understanding children. So what I have done is taken and passed an aptitude test for the children's literature institute. And on June 1st, God-willing, I will start down the path that will open up the rest of my life.
So, what is your passion? Everything I have read suggests that it is that one activity or thing that you did as a child that you could disappear into for hours at a time. Was it drawing, or hiking, or gardening? Experts suggest it may be an activity that a significant adult unkowingly ridiculed or squashed, so you might have to dig deep to find it.
When you do find it, set a series of goals, today, next week, next month, and next year. As you cross over each goal line, you will feel your self esteem building at light speed.
Good luck, and god bless.

[Fuzzybear]

naive yes, thats one "name" that I've been called that was true
inner beauty is much more important than outer beauty. Please keep posting

[MyBestKids2]

I think we have to "learn" it. I had an absolutely horrific childhood with no nurturing whatsoever, yet I love my kids to the end of my earth. None of my Ts can understand where my self-esteem came from to be able to nurture, I said you gotta learn it to survive.

Take care,
Dee

[Choloe]

I don't know how you can gain it? Hmmm...mmm...mmm I guess you forget how others define you and look at you ahead; Find some good things about you; Stop judging yourself. I have brown eyes, beautiful face, short-brown hair, nice carmel tone, I'm thick, I'm 5'5, 140, funny, sweet, caring, and honest. These are good things about me. It's hard sometimes too because people can bring it down, but don't allow them too! Hold your head up and walk what God gave you. I'm still learning to accept myself because I still have low self-esteem, but taking baby steps can really take you somewhere; It takes time.

[Rapunzel]

Getting to know yourself is a good place to start.

[chiz]

Hello

Gaining self-esteem, I think starts from loving yourself. Think of your strengths and put in mind how good you are on certain things. Inner beauty is more important than physical attributes.

You didn't develop more of your self-esteem because you think negative about yourself. Try thinking positive and you'll feel great about anything.

Very hard. I'm 54 & had a difficult childhood with a bipolar & alcoholic mother (was not able to be helped by treatment & committed suicide when I was 15) & an alcoholic father. We kids were never really told what was going on with my mother as to why she was so irrational & abusive & in & out of mental institutions & getting ECTs, etc. We were just living in chaos & fear.

After she died, my father told me she killed herself because she was getting older & losing her looks!! She was an exceptionally attractive woman & basically, that was why my father married her & the only value she had, as far as he was concerned. He was having affairs. She had internalized or maybe already had the same idea of her worth being in her looks & sex appeal (she also had numerous affairs--to get that affirmation that she was still valuable when her husband was looking else where?).

My God, she had a severe mental illness & he blamed her suicide on her losing her looks. I was so angry at him for being so superficial, but you know what? Here I am at 54, bipolar & gained weight in the last 8 years on my meds & my husband told me he no longer found me sexually attractive because of that & what did I do? I overdosed on my meds & wine & ended up in the ER & still am feeling suicidal frequently & it's been 1 1/2 years. Med changes, frequent therapy--but the stuff implanted in my brain as a child is so strong--my worth is gone, just like my mother's & she taught me what to do...--Suzy

<font color="purple">For me gaining self-esteem....is/was a very complicated process. I suppose it all began when I started opening up to people rather then shuting myself from them. From there, these bonds grew stronger, and as they grew stronger I felt a whole lot better in general. Feeling better in general (for me) was the first step that had to be taken in order to improve my self esteem, it was still a fairly long process...to undo a grand total of 8 years of being bullied (which at the time was over 1/2 of my life, but now is just a little under 1/2) but it's worth it. I'm still a work in progress though (I think everyone is ) but day by day I think I feel just a little better about myself, and more willing to accept myself. </font>

[Alistair]

I dont have alot of time to put in a lengthy response for you, but my biggest piece of advice for you is to focus on what you do like about yourself, rather than what you do not like. Even if its something small, like the color of your eyes, or whatever. Focus on something positive and you will start to see your beauty.

You may also look into daily affirmations, which i have just learned about myself. The idea is to repeat a phrase to yourself when you get up to start off the day with a positive outlook on the issue at hand. Perhaps adapt this to standing infront of a mirror and finding a new aspect you find beautiful about yourself each morning.

And dont forget, that your appearance doesnt count for anything. Internal beauty is whats most important.

Best of luck to you

[hlepmenowplz]

well i am on the ame road to finding out how to find myself and love myself. I know I have alot to offer, the problem is, when i am having whatever you want to call it, my BEST things about me, become the things i hate the most and there is no way of feeling better. I am not sure if it is okay to say, but I just try to pray and know that he will help me. It is one thing to know somthing and another to do it. I have a hard time not being depressed about my self, so my mood is blah and the way I cope is bla, bad circle! I know you will find your way, counciling is a great start, everyone finds great things out in diffrent ways. Good luck hun.

[(JD)]

I'm not quite happy with the whole "self-esteem" concept at all.

How would looking at this aspect as being "self-respect" instead? Does that make it easier for you?

[Tigerlilly]

For me, dealing with self esteem has been a life long struggle, so I can very much relate to what you are saying.
What has helped me is being kind to myself. A lot of times we are far too hard on ourselves, overly critical in a way you would never be to someone you love. Have the compassion for yourself that you would someone else who isn't feeling so confident and know that you deserve that compassion.
Also, every time you look at yourself in a negative way, force yourself to at least acknowledge something positive about yourself. For example, I don't like my nose. If I dwell on that while looking in the mirror, I feel ugly. But sometimes I can bring my whole face into perspective and I realize I'm not ugly. Or, when I do something stupid, I acknowlege all the things that I've done that were smart.
And just realize that your fiance's perception of you as beautiful carries just as much weight as your own perception of yourself as average. People have different ideas of beauty. I used to really get hurt when I felt people didn't find me attractive. Now not so much because I realize some people find people I consider stunning or gorgeous average or unattractive.
I still struggle with self esteem. Maybe I always will, but I'm kinder to myself and I realize that my opinion, my thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs all matter. I realize that needing to be considered beautiful by others to make me feel good about myself puts me in a vulnerable position because beauty is subjective, AND it puts too much power in the hands of others, not all of whom have your best interest in mind.
When your fiance says you are beautiful, believe him.