How can I build the courage to disclose info to my T....

Some very painful memories have been coming back to me recently...and I'm afraid to tell my T about them. He feels that I've made such progress in being assertive with my husband, etc. I feel like he is so proud of me.

He knows that there are issues in my past that I have not yet been ready to deal with.

But lately, I've been so triggered by certain events, and it's bringing back memories that I have not had in 15+ years.

I have not admitted these things to ANYBODY in real life....and since I've been so out-of-it the last few days, I feel as though I need to disclose this info to T in order to get out of this funk that I'm in.....

Things like....

- Memories of possible SA when I was a very young child. I was not sure if this is real or not, but it's now becoming more real.

- Memories of inappropriate sexual acts that I initiated as a young child, which leads me further into believing that the memories of the SA were real.

- I used to cut when I was a teenager. I totally forgot about this until today. The cutting started after a SA experience with my old boss that I've already disclosed to T. I don't remember when I stopped cutting, but I remember how good it felt to inflict pain on myself.

It's so much easier to tell you all because you don't know me.

I have a decent career that I'm proud of....and have a beautiful nearly 8 year old daughter that is my world.

How do I disclose this info to my T without thinking that he's going to feel I'm some kind of nut who is incapable of being a successful career woman and mother.

I'm scared.

mixedup_emotions,
Don't be afraid to discuss these things with your T...if it feels threatening to you then print out your post and give it to him.
He is not going to be disappointed in you...even if he were it is no reflection on you.

Being honest with him is absolutely necessary if you are to continue making progress.
Perhaps you will come to trust him enough to share these things with him, verbally or in writing.
Jme, but at times, writing was the only way that I communicated with my T. For awhile I could not bring myself to speak about some of my childhood trauma.

Best wishes,
Catherine

hold yer horses there, soss! you have already proven to T that you are a successful career woman and mother. telling him about things in your past is *not* going to change how he perceives you now.

but it will probably give him some room to help you heal further. if you are worried that it's because he will see you in pain, and that you should be over this pain - well - that's not something to be concerned about either. T has seen you in distress before, and he didnt think "holy moly, gotta take that kid away and make her quit her job".

he sat with you and worked through it.

catherine's idea is a good one. i used to do this with my old T, too. i hope you can find something that is workable for you.

, if ok.

Are you afraid that you are going to lose everything good in your life?

I am afraid that I am losing myself.

For years, I was just trying to survive, focusing on getting through each day with the turmoil of my marriage.

Now that I'm moving further away from the marriage and my husband is no longer such a big part of my life, I feel like I am discovering more of who I was before I married him. Some things are starting to make more sense...and I'm afraid of being that person again.

I'm probably not making any sense. I guess I just don't know who I am anymore. I said to myself recently that I was going to write a list of all the good things I feel about myself. My good traits, my accomplishments - so that when I'm down, I can look to that to regain perspective. But I haven't been able to bring myself to make that list yet. I can't seem to get there at the moment. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and can't reach for the rope to pull myself out.

M_E,
Starting a new life, different from what you have known for years can be incredibly difficult. Getting through those years by surviving instead of actually living and enjoy it becomes so familiar to us!
My own experience was yes, it was crappy but it was all I had known for years. Breaking away from it was downright scary to me.
I was torn between wanting that new and better life yet I was clinging to the old.
I just didn't have the confidence in myself..and what if I found out that I was so "damaged" that I would never be successful?

Again, jme, but I had to be kind to myself and back off for a bit. I thought I could rush in to rebuilding myself/my life...
It was a rude awakening when I realized that like everything else, baby steps it was...

Please be as kind to yourself as you are to others...perhaps even more so?

Catherine

MUE, sometimes our feelings make it seem ways that really do not reflect reality. Look for the reality. Connect with supportive people, focus on the real, physical things in your environment. Sometimes we can get lost in our heads too much...........

mixedup_emo!

You make perfect sense to me. What a great idea to make a list of your positive strengths and accomplishments. Make that list!! It's great that you are able to recognize that you do have positive traits and that you have accomplished things!! Go with it!

I'm sure that your T is going to want to know that you are struggling. They can witness the success and struggles that you're under for themselves. I'd assume that your stress is showing, in one way or another. It would be great for you to share exactly how you're feeling with them, in the moment, to help you get through.

While the situation you find yourself in must be incredibly stressful and overwhelming, remind yourself that it's provided motivation to work through the feelings and memories that you've held inside for so long. Very best wishes to you, mu_e!

Shez

This may seem like a really stupid question, but I don't know what
T means. Can that be disclosed?

twiggy123, hi...

we use T instead of therapist, same as pdoc being our psychiatrist.
easier to type ....at least for me

Catherine