Went with my husband to my parents' house last night for dinner and to watch a movie. I really hate being in that house with those people. Too much happened there at their hands.

I get uncomfortable with the way my f hugs me sometimes. I never really like for him to touch me, but most of the time I can deal and feel decent about it. Last night wasn't one of those times. I guess my question is this. What are the appropriate zones of touch between f's and daughters when hugging? Should it be any different from hugging a male friend who isn't my husband? Actually, I don't even know about that as I have no male friends whom I hug.

***** Trigger Risk *****

I guess I feel like the area of the back between the shoulder blades is kind of neutral territory and that I should be okay with kisses on the cheek from him. But last night (and some other times) wasn't that. He held me tight (makes me feel like I can't get away) and put his hands on the small of my back below my waist. He kissed me on the side of my neck. And as he was letting me go he ran his hands around my waist and briefly rested his hand on my abdomen. It felt gross.

I was freaking out on the inside. Started bawling when we drove away. My husband thinks I'm nuts.

i'm on your side.......i had a bro-in-law who hugged like that when i was a teenager. it is'nt appropriate.....plain and simple. i know exactly how you felt about not being able to get away from him. they do that on purpose....it's a power thing.....it's black and white to me. maybe your husband doesn't understand completely about inappropriate touching. try finding him something to read on the subject. if you want to talk more, i'm here. pat

[Myzen]

Hi, girllazy,

Ouch, those hugs don't sound right to me.

I'm a Dad and my daughter is now 24. We've never had problems about touching (my problems were with my own parents - no touching - but with my daughter it's not an issue).

I guess the the key is that she is happy around me and likes to jump on me now and then, and tickle me and stuff. My view would be that a parent is there for a child, as an object of comfort and security - it's not the other way around.

I think that in a good relationship of any kind you will want to hug now and then and that will be a bonding feeling and lovely. In a relationship that's not so good, then touching becomes a problem.

Maybe your Dad wanted to make it look like things are OK between you now, but you've mentioned a history and IMHO histories can't be put right that easily.

I hope I haven't assumed too much in my answer, it's only my own view, and it's a very tricky subject. I'm really sorry that you haven't had an easy birth family, and that is one sadness that I know only too well.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen.

[wisewoman]

Girl, his touch sounds inappropriate and it is fine for you to do a half hug with one arm and keep your distance. Please take care of yourself and don't let him get away with this. Also, is your spouse aware? If he is then he can a buffer when your father approaches. By the way, just in case you don't know, you don't always have to be nice!

[sometimes]

i agree that sounds wrong. uuhhh. i'm really sorry he does that to you and that your husband doesn't understand. you have every right to feel the way you do. if he did that again could you pull away? or say something? That could be hard if other people are around, i'm just trying to think of what i would do.

[ktp]

GL:

I agree with the wise one. That is definitely inappropriate behavior for a father. He invaded your space and made you feel terrible, I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

I can relate to your feelings, I am rarely around my parents, so in that respect, I don't know what I'd do if that ever happened. My mom did something like that one time in front of her new husband and I cursed her a blue streak.

Take care of yourself,
Kimberly.

girllazy,

I do not think you are nuts at all. I am sorry this is something that is still going on. I know I would have been uncomfortable had that been anyone BUT my spouse (not that I have one but making the point!).

You have every right to be upset and to own your own space. Nothing says you have to continue hugging your f any longer. You can learn to offer out your hand firmly so that anything other than a handshake is not an option.

You are the one to set your zones of comfort. A qualified therapist can help you better understand what those mean for you.

Again, sorry this was such an icky situation for you. I've had cases of inappropriate touch where I wasn't able to verbally or physically fend off the creeps and afterwards I felt so small and defeated. It is not our fault! Having survived we often take a while to realize our own power to defend and protect our own bodies. With time and help we come to see that our bodies are worth defending and protecting and worshipping.

No one, nowhere, no how should ever be able to touch you without your permission.

I hope you are able to discuss this with your therapist.

[wisewoman]

You go _zh! She's right and we shouldn't have to deal with creepy touching.

Zenny's post reminded me that I did start sticking my hand out to my touchy feely bro-in-law and I stood back a little...he could either shake my hand or I moved off. I have a rule about my personal space and when someone gets in it, I feel very uncomfortable....xoxox pat

[ktp]

stepping behind my husband and grabbing his arm usually deters anyone from wanting hugs. His and some of my family are very touchy feely and sometimes I'm just not in the mood, so that's what I do.

take care
Kimberly

Go Super Z you are so very right! You always give the best advice

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What are the appropriate zones of touch between f's and daughters when hugging? . . . He held me tight (makes me feel like I can't get away) and put his hands on the small of my back below my waist. He kissed me on the side of my neck. And as he was letting me go he ran his hands around my waist and briefly rested his hand on my abdomen. It felt gross.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i get triggered any time i feel trapped. i notice you also felt trapped [you wrote "feel like I can't get away"] it doesn't make you nuts to have a flashback. my counselor said it's a normal response.

hugs have always been difficult for me. sometimes just a look from my husband scares me or makes me feel gross.