[Teardrop822005]

I don't know what to do. I can't get close to hardly anyone within the family, even then its still hard. I don't like getting to close. Especially guys, no offense you guys in here. I can't tell anyone, my parents do know, but it'shard. We can't take him to court because he's a retired cop, and it's really hard to convict a retired cop, especially if it's been two years since it stopped. It started when I was 6, 7, or 8, and ended when I was 12 or 13, it's been a long time, but it left scars on my heart, and the inside, and it won't go away. I regret not telling when it first started up. I'm sorry, really am.

Also, my brother abuses me, meaning hitting, pushing, punching, etc, and he's a year younger then I, (15), but he's more commmanding and stronger, I tell my mom but she just yells at him, and tells me she's getting him help once his school is over, I guess I'll have to deal with it till then, and then see if it helps him or not, hopefully it will. All well, it's no use on fighting hi m no more. I'm terrified of him. All well.

[mrb020377]

I know what you mean..... my stepdad is a cop...

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I am here if you need a listening ear

[(JD)]

I understand too... was married to a guy in law enforcement... 26 years.

I hope you can move your focus away from prosecuting and making him own up to it... towards your own healing.

You have no reason for "regret." That was a choice you were not afforded, as is indicative of abusers.

How about taking a self defense course? It's a great confidence builder. It helps self esteem because of it's based upon defense, not offense (starting fights.) You can learn a few moves to floor your brother (literally) without hurting him... he'd begin to respect you. I suspect he behaves this way because he is identifying with the cop...

You can get through this. I'm sorry it happens to anyone... it's good that you have this site to share your feelings. TC

i am so sorry that you're going through such hard times now.......Sky's suggestion was excellent, self-defense will make you stronger, physically and emotionally.......xoxo pat

[Teardrop822005]

I tried, my friend has a thing that gives him permission to teach, but I don'r feel comfortable learning it with one on one training, and plus my parents can't afford it, and I really don't want to.

[CedarS]

Are you in school, have you told a counselor or health care person at school?

[Teardrop822005]

I am in school, but no one knows there. We do have two police officers in the school at all times, but I don't think my mom would want me to say anything about it, and it is really hard to convict a cop, or a retired- cop, and he did try to follow my dad home once, but my dad lost him at a red light, but with him being a cop, he could find where we live and find me, oh what to do.

[SergeyNewcomer]

I don't know if it helps you or not but at least you can try to start the diary. Just write down everything you feel and wanna say. It helps. You can even try to write the article to some paper, anonymously of course, but this is the chance to express everything.

Do you enjoy music, poetry or art? If you do try to express yourself and all your pain through it. I'm sure you'll feel yourself much better.

Bless you the Lord.

[Teardrop822005]

I love writing poetry, and I have posted some poems I have written, but it only helps for a while, after, I start to loose control of writing good poems, and start to talk about what I feel, instead of writing a poem, I mean thats fine and all, but it's frustrating sometimes, and as for writing in a diary, I do, but sometimes that is not enough either. But I do thos two things first, if I can, before I do anything else.
Thanks for the advice, and I'll also that article thing you mentioned, and the other suggestion to that I have not done yet.
Thanks for the advice.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hi Tear I am like you a bit I do all that creative stuff but sometimes it isn't enough. I don't know if we need to vent more and talk to a human or what but sometimes I cannot find my answer either ...sorry youre going through this.

[Teardrop822005]

It's ok, and maybe we do need to vent more, I don't know, I mean I like to talk to people to get help, but no one seems to want to listen to everyone I go to, they either change the subject, or just ignore it, not me, what I'm talking about, they'll pretend not to of heard it. But other than that, venting is always good I think.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

EXACTLY TEAR....even my T once said....Stop feeling like that....uhhhhh am I not suppose to feel my feelings? I hate that and don't THINK like that. Yes on the rare times I talk on me it is like they GET BUSY...no kidding I KNOW you have had to have this too...You know I gotta go...or if online.....subject change then some story on need to leave the puter...and it never comes back to you again. Its some other subject...usually for me it is theirs...sigh. I DO GET YOU ..You can PM me anytime I WILL listen and not bolt or lol change the subject

[(JD)]

((((tear)))) Part of my reasoning is that you could best help yourself by trying to move past the part of getting even, but of protecting yourself physcially and emotionally.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I mean I like to talk to people to get help, but no one seems to want to listen to everyone I go to, they either change the subject, or just ignore it, not me, what I'm talking about, they'll pretend not to of heard it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Tell us more about this, ok? Who all have you tried to talk with? What were the situations in which you tried to discuss this? How long ago were these attempts to reach out for help?

There is help out there for you. I'm sorry you are feeling so lost in this.

[jennie]

Right now, you may not be ready or able to take him to court, but REMEMBER later you can choose to do so. For New Jersey, certain sexual offenses have no statue of limitations on prosecution. For more info: NJ Coalition Against Sexual Assault

[Teardrop822005]

Yeah, I didn't know that. But I don't think I ever will. Do you know how hard it is to convict a retired cop, or a cop in general on those charges. And another thing, I am not getting checked either by no Dr. to see if he did or not. They wanted to check in the hospital because of my stomache was hurting, I cried my eyes out, luckily they didn't, but I'm not going through that again. Oh no, I would drather die then have that done to me.
So, I'm not going to convict him, and he's really old and should die any day now, and I hope he does before my mom makes me go to court, but we are moving to AZ this summer so I don't think so, and she did say she'll take care of it, but I hope not. I know that sounds mean, but I don't want to go to court and see him, and get checked to. no thank you.
But thanks for the reply and information.