[wi_fighter]

I'm starting to feel angry today.

Angry that I didn't know support was available 5 years ago that could have prevented the situation I'm in now.

Angry that I didn't know shelters existed and I could have gone to one when my ex left me standing in the middle of a hair salon with nothing but the clothes on my back, a couple of dollars in my wallet and my kids, and he told me not to come home again.

Angry for all the times he told me if I left without the kids, I'd never see them again. Angry that I didn't know laws existed to prevent that from happening.

Angry that he has a live-in lover and her son who get favorable treatment, whose wants come before his own flesh and blood. Just an example - her son gets to drink soda in cans that is reserved for guests. My kids have to drink out of 2 liter bottles because she says "we're living on a budget now. You waste it when you drink from the can." Her own %#@&#! kid wastes it. What budget? They didn't live like this before she moved in. Now they have a two-income house again. If it starts with something as ridiculous as soda, what's next?

Angry that he's treating our kids more and more like objects than people.

Angry that he rants in e-mails about our children needing to earn their rights and freedoms by respecting other people's rights and freedoms first. We live in a free country. We do not need to EARN our rights. Rights to what? Feeling safe and loved and cared for in our own homes?

Angry that he continually makes promises to the kids and then breaks them. The latest - talking up a week-long camping trip the 5 of them will take this summer for the last 9 or more months, and now turning around and saying "Well, I'M going camping for a week. I don't know about you kids." Can't wait until he cancels the first fishing trip he's been planning with my son. It's just a matter of time.

Angry that he's been whining about needing to refinance the house and save money for the last four years, finally starting to get around to it last month, and now me finding out that he ONCE AGAIN told the bank that he "just can't get the house fixed up in time for the appraiser." and now I won't get my VA housing certificate back for who knows how much longer. I can only guess that he did it because I'm taking him back to court. It's his way of getting back at me without actually hiring a lawyer of his own.

If I mention any of this to him, I'm delusional, crazy, imagining things, blowing them out of proportion.... you name it, I've been accused of it.

[SweetCrusader]

*safe hugs if wanted*

He sounds like a MAJOR arse!!!

[wi_fighter]

Thanks SweetCrusader and ozzie. Hugs are much appreciated.

He is an arse. He does these sneaky things to get to me, I'm fully aware of his intentions, but if I point it out I'm just crazy.

The timing of the refinancing is too coincidental for me to be paranoid.

Less than a week before papers were served, he was asking me for my address and needing me to have documents notarized for the quit claim deed. He was all excited that he was finally going to save something like $400 a month in payments. The house was all ready for the appraiser to walk through and give the stamp of refinancing approval. Now he's put everything on hold again. He complains about being so broke, but he'd rather play these games than save money.

He insists that child support is based on expenses, not income, so if he continues to keep his expenses extremely higher than mine he thinks that the court will order me to pay him, even though he makes 20K a year more than I do.

:bang_head:

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((((wi-fighter)))
Hope it all works out and that you stay safe.
Be angry...but put that energy to positive use!

[wi_fighter]

Thanks sj, I'm trying to put it to good use.

My next step is going to some support groups, but I keep finding reasons (excuses) to not go. Didn't finish work in time, don't have time to get cleaned up, the kids might refuse to go, I'm afraid to go meet strangers, it's too far away, it's too early in the day, it's too late in the day, no one will believe what I went through....

wi FIGHTER... that's what you are... a Fighter. That much is obvious. I'm terribly sorry that you suffered so much. Someone like you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of crap. But you know what, you're here with us now. And I personally, and I think everyone else here, will support you till the end of time and back again. I hope you are feeling better. ((((((((((WI))))))))))

Ry

[wi_fighter]

Ryan, I'm trying to stay strong, but this guy gets to me. He'll act nice and friendly and start telling me about his financial woes and then I feel guilty about taking him back to court and maybe getting child support out of him. He talks about needing to budget but it doesn't stop him from having parties and buying drinks for his friends every week at bowling. If he can't prioritize so the kids get the things they need, I feel like I don't have a choice but to go for child support. Then the money will be allotted for them, not entertainment. His reasoning in the past has been "I'm not going to let the kids get in the way of my social life."

I was sticking up for him yesterday when my son was saying he was going to demand that his dad buy him some shorts this weekend. I told him not to be too hard on his dad since it's tax time and money is probably tight.

Geeez, if I don't have the balls to say "Yes, make sure dad gets you some warm weather clothes" that might cost $50 for a couple of things, HOW am I going to feel about maybe getting hundreds of dollars a month? I didn't want my son to go over there and start demanding and getting smart mouthed because his dad refuses, and then get yelled at and have privileges taken away. So I tell him not to rock the boat instead of expecting him to get things that he deserves.

I just went halves on a new bike, bought him some tennis shoes, and picked up an a new outfit including shoes for my daughter last weekend. It's not like I expect their dad to buy them everything, but he won't take them shopping; he waits until they demand, and then he feels put out that he has to spend money on such unimportant things like clothes.

He wants to talk budget, he needs to talk to me. It's more than buying 2 L bottles of soda instead of 12 packs. It's looking for deals on EVERYTHING. Thank goodness I actually find bargain shopping fun (but it IS getting a little tiresome to not be able to buy everything we need and having to prioritize constantly).

Sorry for the whiny rant. Money's tight for me too, but the kids don't go without the things they need when they're with me. They might not get everything they want, but the necessities are covered. Since money's an issue on my end, I'm afraid to stand up to him on that issue because I know how I'd feel if he tried to get money from me. You can't get blood out of a turnip, you know?

However, I can't drop the case because I'm fighting for more than just money. I'm fighting to get things revised that he blackmailed me into agreeing to, and THOSE things need to be reversed. I'll go weeks staying in the frame of mind of standing up to him, and then he'll call and be chatty and friendly and all fight instincts disappear.

one thing stood out in your post....when he calls and is chatty and friendly.....that is major manipulation...when he does it, i suggest that you tell him that you're busy and can you talk to him later................that will cut him off at the knees. he's being chatty for a reason..to disarm your rightful anger...pat

[wi_fighter]

I know I need to do that Pat. He sneaks it in. We'll be talking about the kids and school and next thing I know he's telling me that "TODAY is tax day, you'd better file that extension. I got mine paid." So I'm thinking, "OK, he just paid a few thousand $$ to the IRS, better tell my son not to demand too much this weekend."

At least I have a safe haven where I can come and spill my guts instead of spewing it at him now. Can anyone say "self-defeating behavior" when you try to reason with a controller and manipulator? A couple of bad decisions on my part and I'll forever be branded the crazy one.

After I got off the phone yesterday, I realized that a lot of his end of the conversation didn't really stick in my brain. Makes me question if all those things I thought I heard years ago really are my imagination.

start taping the phone calls....p

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((( wi )))))))))))))))))))) i hope this resolves soon.

kd

[wi_fighter]

Kimmy, I hope it does to, but I doubt it will. We still have to head to court-ordered mediation and, if we reach an impasse, back to court.

My lawyer has used up almost all $1800 of my retainer and we've made ZERO progress so far. He tells me one thing, and then does another. First he tells me a lot of the things I'm bringing up are like "fresh fruit" and the longer you wait to report them, the less admissable they are in court. Then when we get to court, he doesn't mention them and says we need to wait to bring out the big guns. First he says we WILL go in front of the judge that we had during the divorce (who saw through the ex's manipulation), then he says we might just go back to the court commissioner after mediation.

it's your money, hence you're paying the costs to be the boss.....you're familiar with how your husband operates....start telling that lawyer that it's y our life that he's dealing with and you are trying to straighten things out for you and your children.....