[googley]

Why do I have this illogical thing stuck inside of me? I feel like the only people I can trust are those who are mean to me. I know this doesn't make sense, but growing up everyone who said they loved me hurt me. I know logically this doesn't make sense. But right now I really want to go back to patterns in T that I know and understand. I'm afraid T is being nice to me because it is her job and not because she actually likes me. I know I'm not there to repeat the same abusive patterns that I experienced before. Why do I just wish that she would hurt me like they did so that i would know for sure that she cared about me? I don't know that I can trust this nice stuff. I feel like I deserve to be hurt and that if she wont do it then I have to. While the logical side of my brain knows that this is totally screwed up, the rest of me just wants to be back somewhere that I understand what is happening.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googley))))

I understand that feeling and you are making perfect sense. When we are brought up in a place where bad is good, hate is love, and abuse is caring it only makes sense that you would feel this way. And I think a lot of times I feel that if I can get someone to hurt me then they must love and care about me. So you are not alone in your feelings.

I have always felt I deserved to be hurt. If I am hurt then I am doing something right. Even though it seems not logical to others around, it seems like the right thing to me. I have always said that I need to be hurt. It is just what I know. So I understand what you are saying.

I am sorry you are feeling this way and you do not deserve to be hurt anymore. But I validate what you are feeling. Know that I care and I am listening and hearing what you are saying.

dps

[googley]

Dps-

Thank you for your reply. While I would not wish my experience on my worst enemy, it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this. I wish my knowledge that this is not healthy could make my feelings different. But I just don't seem to be there yet. Take care of yourself.

[Sannah]

This was your experience Googley and experience speaks so much louder than our logic. These experiences left an imprint on you. It seems that you are distressed because you cannot change this immediately. Nothing changes immediately but things do change gradually. You are aware of your "programming" and this is all that can be expected right now. Just continue to be aware. Remember what is healthy and what is programmed in you. Try to not act on your programming. This is when you remind yourself of what is healthy. You can gradually change this. Gradual is the key word.

M. Scott Peck, M.D., in The Road Less Traveled, tells us:

The process of actively clinging to an outmoded view of reality is the basis for much mental illness. Psychiatrists refer to it as transference, that set of ways of perceiving and responding to the world which is developed in childhood and which is usually entirely appropriate to the childhood environment (indeed, often life-saving) but which is inappropriately transferred into the adult environment.

One of the most difficult things for me to do was to accept that those who are unable or unwilling to change will not grow. Not rethinking behavior that which was integral to our survival years ago condemns us to the lot of Sisyphus.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like you are right at the place where abusive treatment that you know is harmful and unacceptable. And when you are in a nonabusive environment, it is new and uncomfortable. Stick with and stay in nonabusive environments and slowly, they will begin to feel more comfortable. Then slowly, abusive environments will become uncomfortable.

[googley]

Thank you all for your replies.

I have been thinking about it some more (okay a lot more). I think part of the reason that it is so hard to think that their (my parents') behavior was wrong is that they always said that they loved me. If it was wrong them maybe they don't love me. Then I'm all alone. And I don't have anyone who loves me. And if my parent's don't love me who will? Even though I can't stand to be around them.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googley))))

I hear you. And yes I can relate. I feel so alone and my parents do not love me. If they did they would not continue to hurt me and act as if nothing is wrong. Still denying to this day that anything happened. And I ask why would my step-mom ask to be forgiven for the things that happened when we were with her if nothing happened. Someone is not facing the truth and it is not her.

Googley we love you. You are not alone even though it feels alone. I do understand and if it was not for my friend irl and for PC I would be totallly alone. I know it is hard and it hurts. You have a right to your feelings and I validate how you are feeling.

Why is it that parents do not tell us the truth? That they tell us they love us and then in the same breath they hurt us. I know for me they killed the person I might have been and now I am trying to figure out just who I really am. So many within all terrified and me terified right along with them.

If they loved me, why is it the past is now colliding with the present and nothing is stopping. The knowing where we belong comes with years of being stuck there and when it still follows you it is hard to move forward. But if you and I will keep reaching for safety it will eventually come. I cannot say that I can feel it for many times when I am in a safe place I am still looking around waiting for the lurking danger.

You know googley, when you grow up in an abusive home where love was never given or shown in the right way, and it is all we know, even when we are away and we are trying to start again, we only know what we know. Even though those were our parents and they did not love us they are the only parents we have and somehow we keep hoping that they will change or maybe we were wrong.

But we were not wrong. And we were not the bad ones. We were in a situation that we had no control over and we had no choices. Not any choices that we felt we could make. I know there were many times I wanted to run away but I knew if I got caught and I always got caught, it would be even worse (if that was possible) but it still crossed my mind. So I just did nothing but tried to be good. And even perfection was not good enough.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts but just try to remember you are not alone anymore. We are listening and reaching out to you. We do care and we are here for you anytime. Please keep posting and getting out what you are feeling. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[googley]

I knew that I had internalized negative messages about myself from growing up. But I never before realized how ingrained they are and how vicious they are. How much they have made me feel like crap. It's scary to look at them. I feel like they will never go away. But it is hard to want them to go away when I feel like I deserve it. I feel guilty, awful, ashamed about wanting to stay in the same comfortable place. I've never had (or at least never been able to recognize and name) these feelings before. It scares me. My T asked if I had dealt with this before with my T. And I haven't. I felt like I needed to defend my previous Ts. I know my T wasn't being critical, just seeing what had been encountered before. But I felt like I needed to say that I did hard work with my other Ts also. Just because we didn't get to everything that is screwed up inside of me didn't mean we didn't work and accomplish things. But I know she wasn't trying to sound critical. I hate my complicated insides. Especially since they don't seem to come with a map.


Even though those were our parents and they did not love us they are the only parents we have and somehow we keep hoping that they will change or maybe we were wrong.

This is so true. I keep giving them chances over and over again hoping that they will change. Over and over again. But they don't change.

At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling so bad. I remember the children's saying "sticks and stone will break your bones but words will never hurt you...." But there were no sticks and stones, there were only words. How can words hurt this much? I feel like other people experienced so much worse. It was only words. There was no proof. It makes me question myself about things I know happened. It was like it never happened. I was never allowed to talk about it. People pretended that it didn't happen after it was done. No one protected me. I was the kid. Didn't I deserve protection? But no one stepped in to stop it. It makes me feel worthless.

Googley we love you.

Thank you so much. This means so much to me to have support here.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

I think part of the reason that it is so hard to think that their (my parents') behavior was wrong is that they always said that they loved me. If it was wrong them maybe they don't love me. Then I'm all alone. And I don't have anyone who loves me. And if my parent's don't love me who will? Even though I can't stand to be around them.

I'm sure they did and do love you Googley. They are just probably dysfunctional.

Originally Posted by googley

I knew that I had internalized negative messages about myself from growing up. But I never before realized how ingrained they are and how vicious they are. How much they have made me feel like crap. It's scary to look at them. I feel like they will never go away.

If you work on them they will go away.

Originally Posted by googley

But it is hard to want them to go away when I feel like I deserve it.

This does make it more complicated. You can work on this too, though.

Originally Posted by googley

I feel guilty, awful, ashamed about wanting to stay in the same comfortable place.

You aren't doing it on purpose, though!

Originally Posted by googley

I've never had (or at least never been able to recognize and name) these feelings before. It scares me.

Why?

Originally Posted by googley

Just because we didn't get to everything that is screwed up inside of me didn't mean we didn't work and accomplish things.

These things need to be worked on in layers. Sometimes we just aren't ready to work on certain things and we need to work our way towards them. I'm sure that none of your previous therapy was for nothing!

Originally Posted by googley

I At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling so bad. I remember the children's saying "sticks and stone will break your bones but words will never hurt you...." But there were no sticks and stones, there were only words. How can words hurt this much?

THese words were not supposed to come from your parents, though. This saying was meant to refer to other children. Our parents build our foundation. This role is critical to our mental health.

Originally Posted by googley

No one protected me. I was the kid. Didn't I deserve protection? But no one stepped in to stop it. It makes me feel worthless.

Yes, this can certainly be the core of your feelings of worthlessness. They were wrong, these people! You deserved the best but because of their shortcomings, you didn't get it. You didn't get the best because of anything to do with you. You were a child and you deserved the best.