[jahrderglad]

Hi,
I feel very weird about all this...but I know telling my story might help me actually confront it, so here goes.

My parents were young and unmarried when I was born. I was the result of an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy...but my mother, being Catholic, decided against abortion. My father at first denied paternity, and I lived with my grandmother until I was nine. At age nine, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome--a condition I share with my father. By that time, my parents had married, but their relationship had very quickly soured. So when I went to live with them, I was moving into an already unstable family environment.

My father was distant but controlling. He had no tolerance for normal childhood behaviours, and was resentful of the fact that I am female. He was strict, but consistent at least, but his attitude of embarrassment toward me, his belief that emotions were a sign of weakness and never, under any circumstances, to be expressed, and various other behaviours were bothersome. Now I've come to believe that they may have damaged me almost as much as my mother's behaviour, though my father was never "abusive." Still, I felt closer to him than to my mother, since he too was on the autism spectrum and was "on the same wavelength," so to speak, as I.

My mother was the polar opposite of my father. Her emotions totally controlled her behaviour. She was inconsistent, irrational, overly-dramatic, and attention-seeking, in ways that were perceptible to me even when I was very young. She was generally more lenient than my father, though less from compassion and more, as I learned later, just to gain my trust and favour. When she did become angry, however, she would completely explode, even throwing me out of the house at age eleven for forgetting to do a chore on time (luckily, my father stopped her).

My parents fought constantly--or rather, my mother just screamed at my father, who would calmly point out her irrational statements, ignorantly provoking her further. I fell asleep every night to the sound of my mother screaming and throwing things. That coupled with my mother's intense spending problem finally got to be enough for my father, and he left one morning just before Christmas when I was fifteen. When he woke me up to say goodbye, he warned me that my mother might turn her rage against me now that he wouldn't be there to take it, but I, half-asleep and not really knowing what was going on, didn't pay it much mind. I was just sad to see him go, but mostly glad that the screaming at night would finally stop.

What my father warned me about came true very quickly, and in unimaginable ways. I have PTSD from the abuse inflicted by my mother, and a lot of the specific things she did are blurry to me because I just can't cope with them. The emotional abuse was more damaging to me than the physical, I think. My self-esteem was utterly destroyed by the constant stream of needlessly cruel vitriol she spewed my way. I did yell back at her, mostly to defend myself--things like "leave me alone," "why are you doing this," etc. But I did scream. And cry. And become hysterical when it became too much to bear. I'm not proud of this. But I was an immature teenaged kid. How much better could any other sixteen-year-old do? My father accused me of being partially at fault, because I reacted emotionally. Maybe this is why I feel guilty and at fault for what happened.

She would "gaslight" me, not only to the point where I constantly doubt my own memories even today, but on several occasions she manipulated me so severely that I became convinced I was deformed, obese, or not even myself at all.

She threw me out of the house in mid-February when I was sixteen--literally threw, I mean. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts I had worn as pyjamas. No socks or shoes, even, and it was snowing. I made it one mile to the nearest grocery store/payphone, where I called my then-boyfriend's parents to come pick me up, explaining the whole terrible situation as mildly as possible to avoid embarrassing myself or my family. Before they could get there, the police picked me up--my mother, after having thrown me out, had called them, claiming that I beat her and ran away from home in some sort of psychosis. They believed her and I spent two miserable weeks in a mental institution being treated for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Then, two days after returning home, she knocked me out cold with a baseball bat, stuck a kitchen knife in my hand while I was passed out, and called the police. So they took me back--and she laughed about it during our first unsupervised visit. No one believed that my bruises or scars weren't self-inflicted. She was such a good liar that everyone believed her instead. And my recently-remarried father refused to get involved (he let me live with him for a few months on two occasions, but my mom cried and promised to change and guilted/manipulated me into moving back with her...and his new wife resented the fact that he had a child).

My boyfriend and his parents were extremely helpful to me during this time; his parents were the only other people to experience my mother's wrath (she called them in the middle of the night once and screamed at them), but were afraid to get involved while I was a minor for fear that my mother would pull something. I wasn't allowed to see my boyfriend, but, being a teenager in love and desperate for kind, genuine affection, I snuck around. When I was caught, I was beaten, but the hugs, kisses, and kind words from SOMEONE were worth it to me. When I was seventeen, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. We had been together for three years at the time, and had talked about it extensively and maturely, and both felt ready. My mother refused to allow me to get birth control pills, so I bought condoms instead and hid them in a hole under my mattress until I was ready. When my mother found "contraband" in my room, it would normally disappear. The condoms didn't. So I figured she hadn't found them. I was dead wrong--she'd sabotaged them by poking tiny needle-holes through the package. I didn't notice the holes. Naively, I didn't think she would do such a thing. But I got pregnant. When I told her about it, she beat me, and forced me (using threats against the lives of me, my baby, and my boyfriend) to have an abortion. I wasn't ready to care for a child, but I'd have much preferred adoption...or at least the ability to make the decision on my own terms! This was the last straw.

I turned eighteen, and a month later finished high-school. Despite everything, I graduated with highest honours and several scholarships, including full-ride to a very reputable University about 100 miles away. I moved out immediately after graduating and immersed myself in University life, intent on never speaking to my mother again. I moved in with my boyfriend (the same guy, still), since I was unable to live in campus housing due to needing a vaccine that I can't get for allergy reasons. We broke up last year--and now I'm dating another guy, who is very nice but acts in ways that are at time reminiscent of my mother and thus retraumatizing. But that's for another post.

My father's not really in my life anymore, but my mother is still stalking me--she even hired a private investigator to find out my address, and tricked the Dean's Office at my university into giving her my grades, major, and other personal information. She obtained my passwords and hacked into my email and social networking accounts just a few months ago. I'm afraid I can't escape her, ever. But maybe she's just trying to be a good mom, and I'm the one in the wrong?

I just feel so guilty about everything. Did the abuse even happen? Was it really abuse, or am I just an obstinate, irrational wimp who can't take discipline? Did I hit my mother or did she hit me? Was I wrong to abandon her and cut ties with my family? I logically know I did the right thing by leaving, and I logically know that I WAS abused, that I NEVER hit back (I couldn't even shield my face because she'd call the cops saying that blocking was "assault."), and that no "good" mom does the things she did...but emotionally, I'm still so unsure. I have no self-esteem. I'm living in a haze. I can't even stick up for myself if it means mildly disappointing someone else. I can't be assertive. I can't confront people who've wronged me. But I also can't seem to FACE the trauma. I can talk about it, but I reflexively compartmentalise everything; I can't FEEL things about the trauma anymore other than guilt, confusion, doubt, and shame.

I had to drop out of college a year ago, despite excellent marks, because my emotional state was too unstable and I became too socially-phobic to go to class. But I lost my access to mental health professionals by dropping out. I'm working on getting one with sliding-scale fees, but they can't get me in for an appointment for quite some time. I have a job, but the social interaction involved makes me completely miserable; I loathe it. I just don't know what to do. I want to cry about what happened to me, for once. I want to FEEL SOMETHING. I want to get better. I'm sick of feeling like this. I don't want to waste my life in some post-traumatic avoidant haze just because my mom happened to be a crappy person. And yet...it's like a dark, windowless room I just can't escape.

I need to know that I'm not alone in this. That someone out there has felt this way, too. That I can get better. That I'm not just ruined forever. That I'm not a horrible person.

I really don't know what else to do. I've tried helping myself the best I can...but there's nothing more I can do all by myself.

[AShadow721]

Hi. I'm so glad you find this site! I read this all, you are a fantastic writer! I'm so sorry about your terrible mother, she has some serious issues, and I'm sorry about your life so far. I know this is so off topic, but my cousin just had a baby 3 days ago. She, my aunt, and uncle are already several times daily abusing my second cousin, he is 5 years old with classic autism. I saw these pictures put up on Facebook and Myspace of the new baby girl. I looked at her and asked myself, Why? Why would it be allowed in this world for someone to bring this precious little innocent angel into a life like this?" A world that I already know is going to be terrible to start with for her... I see your story here, I know she will be more, just like you, but I wish I could stop it before it even starts...

Anyway, I have felt the way you have. I am constantly avoidant, so much I am dissociative. I had questioned if I was even abused also. It was because I avoided and dissociated so much, it didn't feel real. I don't remember everything. But I remember enough to know that I WAS abused. I also have problems with being assertive. Two of my abusers have stalked me. And I also tried to go to college but dropped out due to my mental health. I started to struggle though with getting my work completed and my GPA slipped below where it had to be for me to stay in school pretty fast, so I was disqualified. I still don't know what I have to do about that. I should have called the school by now...I'm glad you are still able to work, although you are having problems with it. I have social anxieties from trust issues, but I had to get over that when I worked and I did okay. Good luck. I'm glad you are trying to see a therapist. I hope you keep posting so we know how you are doing.

[jahrderglad]

Wow, I'm impressed that you read the whole thing! I posted it mostly just to get it out of me (just seeing it in words made me doubt myself a little less), but I'm also very glad to have your feedback!

I'm very sorry to hear about your second cousin. I read somewhere that autistic children are more likely to be abused (something like one in five autistic kids become victims of abuse at some point). I've always found something so exceptional and wonderful about autistic children...even if they have a lot of problems, it always seems that there's something beautiful and unique inside that it'd be criminal not to help them express--which is why it boggles my mind that so many of us are abused. But I guess it's easier to dehumanise what's "different." Perhaps, though, as they get older, your second cousins will form a supportive bond that will help them endure their situation...and I hope you are allowed to be a part of their support system, as well.

It's so, so comforting to know I'm not alone. I mean, I know I'm certainly not the only survivor of child abuse out there, but...actually making contact with someone who has experienced these things too...it makes me feel a lot less ashamed of it all, and that is a pretty big step in the right direction!

Best of luck to you, too!

[WePow]

You really are a great writer! Ashadow is correct!
It would be great if you could write your life story into a book!!!

[Sannah]

glad, you can heal and develop beyond where you are now. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Your mom sounds really ill.

[jahrderglad]

Originally Posted by WePow

You really are a great writer! Ashadow is correct!
It would be great if you could write your life story into a book!!!

Haha, thanks! Writing is sort of a hobby of mine, but I'm too dissociated/emotionally numb at this point to produce anything I'd want to try to publish. I've always wanted to write professionally, and I'm hoping that by getting better and finally dealing with all my (currently suppressed) feelings toward it, I'll finally get to a place where I can. During those moments of despair when I feel like giving up on trying to get better, that dream sorta keeps me going...even if I don't achieve it, I'm grateful to have had it. Thus, your and Ashadow's compliments mean a lot to me!

Originally Posted by Sannah

glad, you can heal and develop beyond where you are now. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Your mom sounds really ill.

Indeed. I'm just starting to realize just how ill she may be. Perhaps if I learn about others like her, it will all become more "real" for me, and I can take the plunge and face what happened rather than avoiding it because it seems unreal or far away.

[amante]

there is no doubt about it and I'm sure a T would agree that you were abused by your Mom. She sounds like a sick, evil lady and I'm sorry she put you through that.
You have a true gift in writing, and you did awesome in University. Hang in there, I am glad you are going to see a T.

Hello, jahrderglad. If I may be so bold, in my view, your father has a lot to answer for the harm caused you.

Good luck on the road to recovery.

[jahrderglad]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, jahrderglad. If I may be so bold, in my view, your father has a lot to answer for the harm caused you.

Good luck on the road to recovery.

I agree. It's something I'm just starting to discover. I don't currently have a relationship with him, either. Not for lack of trying; I don't think he wants much to do with me now that he has a new wife and can pretend that my mother and everything associated with her (including me) never existed. Sometimes I think that, despite how calm and composed he always is, I am far stronger than he. He also seems ashamed that I didn't turn out exactly like he wanted me to; he hates himself and sees that I'm very much like him. But that's nothing I can change. The best I can do is to be receptive if he ever wants a relationship, and to learn from his mistakes so that when it comes time for me to have children, I can do a better job. I don't have any hard feelings toward my dad, though--I just feel very sorry for him. He must be a very sad man.

[laura2]

Originally Posted by jahrderglad

I agree. It's something I'm just starting to discover. I don't currently have a relationship with him, either. Not for lack of trying; I don't think he wants much to do with me now that he has a new wife and can pretend that my mother and everything associated with her (including me) never existed. Sometimes I think that, despite how calm and composed he always is, I am far stronger than he. He also seems ashamed that I didn't turn out exactly like he wanted me to; he hates himself and sees that I'm very much like him. But that's nothing I can change. The best I can do is to be receptive if he ever wants a relationship, and to learn from his mistakes so that when it comes time for me to have children, I can do a better job. I don't have any hard feelings toward my dad, though--I just feel very sorry for him. He must be a very sad man.

jahrderglad you are strong, despite everything you've felt & been through, you have achieved alot, you are wise, i do hope you do find a relationship with your dad, i myself are beginning to realise nothing is ever to late, your mom clearly has issues, who knows what she may have suffered herself during her life to have made her like this, no its no excuse, but you should be proud how well you've coped, its no wonder you've felt so much confusion, still so many answers, sometimes i think its worse not exactly knowing or understanding the truth, its so easy to doubt yourself, stay strong

Thanks for posting, jahrderglad. No one will know how different your life might have been if your father had taken you and your brother with him when he left. He certainly envisioned the hell he left behind for you. What he did is akin to the captain of a sinking vessel heading out in the last lifeboat leaving the others to manage as best they could.

You a remarkable person. I wish you the best.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by jahrderglad

and I can take the plunge and face what happened rather than avoiding it because it seems unreal or far away.

Or painful..........