[Gr3tta]

I'm a very black and white person, and I normally abhor to waste any time on what might've been, should've been, could've been. All that matters is what is. What is, is all I can deal with or do anything about.
But today I've got this idea stuck in my head that won't leave me alone.
For some reason I just started picturing the person I might've been if none of this had ever happened. I was almost greiving for the death of this person who never got to be. But then I started thinking about all the ways that she might've been hurt, or might've messed things up herself. It seems I am concluding that no matter what I was always supposed to wind up being a miserable, messed-up person. What a depressing thought.

[Julial]

I also have that condition of seeing black and white; it is or it isn't.
When something happens that I don't like or isn't good for me, I quickly brush it off, thinking that I just need to shake it off and move forward. But while I don't think it is healthy for me to dwell on stuff, I think I need to take more time and think about what has happened or why I did whatever I did. Sometimes, I go into mourning for what could have been or what I think should have been. I'll stage pity parties and think why did this have to happen to me; what did I do so wrong? But I keep going back to the thinking that God has a reason for all this and that is what keeps me going. I try to help others in their time of need, I'm a big advocate of if one has a full belly, then one can face the world on better terms, I think I have a novel waiting to be written, I think there are some more animals that need a home, and so I feel like I'm not done yet. My life is going on, maybe not the straight and narrow road like others can do, but I just need to slow down when I get to the hairpin curves.
You sound like you are doing some soul searching and as with any grieving process, it has to be worked through. Good luck on your journey and keep posting.

[mtd]

Gr3tta,

I read your post and I might as well have written it myself. What you described is exactly what was going though my heart and soul today. And I was trying to convince myself I simply need to grieve more, but gosh, it really sucks to look back over all that was lost over so many years, over all that can never be, simply because someone took my young life in their hands and brutally abused it, leaving me so damaged, so afraid of the world.

Today, more than anything else, I'm lonely, because I dealt with the abuse by finding so many places to hide from people and from life. So many superficial relationships, but few people are really allowed close emotionally, and no one is allowed close physically. I've said before that the cruelest thing done to me by the abusers was leaving me in so desperate a need for a hug, but so afraid to accept it.

I want to overcome this.

be well,

mtd

[Julial]

I get frustrated by this emotional baggage. Sometimes, I feel that I've come such a long way, that I deserve to able to freely hug a person or allow myself to be close to people. And it just doesn't happen like that for me. Do I learn to accept myself as I am or do I continue to yearn for "greener grass"? Will I always feel the loss of a family and can it be replaced? In my saner moments, I thank God for my two sons but there are problems. I don't give up but I'm not sure my youngest will ever accept me as I am. And then there are the days I retreat into my world, don't leave the farm, just read, read, read, write, write, write and pull myself back together again. Am I failing? Most days I don't think so. I do think that some of the most courageous people I know and don't know, are people who deal with mental illness whether it be theirs or someone they care about. I wish I had answers for you and me but I am beginning to believe that it is a lifelong work in progress, and I have to keep trudging or skipping through depending on what kind of day it is! May you have more good days than bad. Keep the faith.

[Evening]

When I was a kid, when I was naive and had no idea what I was being exposed to or what I was really like as a person, I had a huge amount of confidence. I could get up in front of the entire school at assembly (in fact I WANTED to) and I could make a complete *** of myself for fun and not have even the remotest fear.
Now I can't even use a phone to call anyone other than my mother or my grandparents, my face goes red at the drop of a hat, and there is NO way in hell you will ever get me in front of people to do a speech. E-V-E-R.

I used to play violin, I took lessons at school every week and my mother bought me a violin for my 11th birthday.
Then I found out all our stuff was taken/left at someone's home/sold for drugs, and I haven't played in 10 years. I chose the violin over the biggest choir in Australia, if I'd chosen the choir I would have traveled around the world and been on an ad for QANTAS.

I used to be so tall and thin, everyone would always tell me how pretty I was and that I should be a model and that they wished they were as thin as me.
Then I got fact because my doctor was too stupid to make any effort to diagnose me properly and put me on medication I didn't need. So now I'm fat, have stretch marks, and I'm so ugly. I can't stand any comments on my appearance.

I used to have friends that I'd see all the time, we'd always stay at each others houses and once my friend and I stayed at my grandparents for 5 days.
Since September last year I have had more visits from the police looking for a guy that doesn't even live here than I've had visits from friends. It's taken some friends up to 2 months to notice that I haven't been around on Facebook. Four people, out of 143, asked if I was okay when I flipped out .

I used to be so fast back then too, the fastest in the school in fact. I had so much energy.
Now all I do is lie in bed all day and get exhausted just checking the mail. Yesterday I tried to go for a walk in the bush near my house and halfway through my legs were literally shaking because I just couldn't cope.

I used to want to be a vet, I started with animals when I was 9 and have been working with them ever since. I have qualifications in the animal industry and I even got a sponsorship to go to America to do environmental volunteering.
Now I can't even get a job in a pet shop even when my job program offers subsidies.

So yes, I also wonder who I could have been...

[sabby]

************ Hugs ************* to all of you who wonder, what could have been or what if???

You are certainly not alone in your wondering. I think there are many people in this world who have thought that at one time or another. Whether we suffer from a mental illness or just had lives that were far from perfect and little opportunity when we were younger.

For myself, I wanted to be a surgical nurse/trauma nurse. In my younger days I think I would have been a really good nurse. Now, I'm too old and physically unable to do the job. I, too, wonder what could have been had I made different decisions or been open to different opportunities. And yes, even what could have been had I not been abused and depressed.

I try hard now, not to go there as much as I used to. I guess I realized that thinking in those terms was more detrimental to my healing and living my life in the present and for the future. What I ended up doing was finding a way to use my abilities as close to the medical field as I could get without years of college. I became a home provider for an individual with developmental and physical disabilities. It is an extremely rewarding job, just like being a nurse would have been for me.

This didn't happen overnight for me. It was a long time coming as I worked through the healing process. And actually, doing this job is part of my healing process as well. So you could say that I'm still healing, I'm still learning and I'm still a work in progress. While life is never perfect and we always have difficulties to work through, I am very grateful for where I am and what I am doing with my life now.

Granted, had I not been abused or depressed during my life, I would have ended up being a different person altogether. I can honestly say that as horrible as those experiences were for me, they have helped to shape me into who I am today. I believe I am a valuable human being with a lot to offer. I believe I am human and make mistakes and learn from them. I believe I am exactly who I'm supposed to be right here and right now, and that is truly a good thing!

My hopes for all of you are that you, too, can find a way to become what you've always wanted to become or at least a reasonable facsimile of that person. Something you can find some gratification in doing. Through our lives, many things change. Our attitudes about life, our perceptions of ourselves, and our opportunities. May you all find your opportunities and walk through those doors

Much love & respect
sabby

[Sannah]

You can still become that person. There are no closed doors........

[Gr3tta]

Thank you all very much for sharing your thoughts on this. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way from time to time.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened, or what would happen *if* someone invented a time machine and it was possible to go back and change things. What would I be like now? Would I even LIKE the person I would be?

That's a heavy thing to think about.

May you all find peace and a meaningful life.