[jenkins09]

I was physically and sexually abused as a child. I have been in therapy for 3 years but have never really discussed the SA. I feel kind of numb to it, but at the same time, I feel like I have forgiven my abuser.

I suffer terribly from self-sabatoge and wonder if anyone else experiences this. If I am doing well in my job, I will find a way to mess it up, same with school and relationships.

I am getting better at being aware when I am engaging in this destructive behavior, but wanted some feedback from others.

Thanks.

[sabby]

Hi jenkins!

I have to ask you, do you think that what you are actually doing is punishing yourself for doing something good and successful? Could you be feeling not worthy of things going right in your life so you sabatoge those things to give you a feeling that you deserved to fail?

If the answer to the above is "yes", I strongly suggest working on those thoughts/feelings with a T. Being abused certainly creates within us, feelings of worthlessness and being nothing. These feelings of course are NOT true of who we really are, but they are very difficult to turn around and let go of.

I hope you find a way to work through this very soon!

With care,
sabby

hi, jenkins,

yes, i have experienced self-sabotage. i think part of it is panic. i get so panicky in some situations that i feel pressured to say something and blurt out the voices in the back of my mind that i've been trying to quiet. i think my mind falls back on what it knows rather than what it knows is the right thing to say or do. it is a quandry.

other times, i get so afraid of correcting my own mistakes that i let them lie around and they seem to just grow bigger and scarier. i get afraid to fix them because that's showing a mistake was made.

you're right that being aware of this destructive behavior is important. i have found that it's best (1) to not let yourself get into this problem in the first place by keeping up to date at work and (2) to intercept the feelings of guilt for being behind and replacing them with the realization that you are behind because the office is busy and you are being overworked. sometimes, i try to set aside my fears and other emotions and just try to focus on getting things done. it takes self discipline but it helps.

[mtd]

Jenkins,

I can relate. I suffered from s.a. I have engaged in a lot of self-sabotage in work and relationships. I think there might be a connection for you between what you said about forgiveness and not having spoken about the s.a. In my experience, a sense of forgiveness can be twisted within oneself to mean somehow we were at fault for what was done to us. Did your abuser seek forgiveness? If not, if I may ask, why did you feel the need to express that without even really speaking about the s.a.? In my experience, forgiveness comes along with the last stage of recovery from s.a. (resolution), but cannot be a substitute for the whole process.

My worry for you is that you created a sense of forgiveness towards your abuser in order to avoid dealing with the feelings and impact of the s.a. on your life, especially your sense of self-worth. That might explain any ongoing self-sabotage. In particular, I fear that you have never expressed, or even gotten in touch with, your anger towards your abuser. Leaving anger unexpressed makes forgiveness, I believe, more about self-blame than any type of resolution.

I think you probably need to start at the beginning -- speak about your s.a. and see where it leads.

I hope these perspectives are helpful.

be well,

mtd