[geez]

I went out with a few aquantance mom friends last night to a concert and had a great time (it's been 8yrs since i went to a concert and that was a concert my husband wanted to see)! I felt like I was in my early twentys again (before marriage and kids etc..). I felt totally free to just be myself - No stress or tension. That experience was a shot between the eyes of what I am missing in my life. The feeling of not having tension or stress all the time (having kids at home means there will always be some form of stress . I had tension and stress all the time growing up in my home environment and I feel like I have that at home now with my husband.

I crave my husband just holding me. Unfortuantly the tension and stress gets in the way. Perhaps I could be more open to my husband and more open to sex if I didn't feel tension and stress all the time. My husband has an anxiety disorder and is on meds and that helps some (he refuses to go to marriage counseling or individual counseling - i've been begging him for the past year).

Tonight I thought it could be fun to roast marshmallows after dinner. We were outside and it went like this (husband talking to our 5yr old):
K the marshmallow is too close to the coals you don't want to touch the coals with the marshmallow.
K don't put your mouth on the stick because I don't like germs and we are all using the same stick.
K don't put your hands in the dirt now the door handle is going to get dirty.
This is my life and I'm feeling sad about it. What sounds like could be a fun experience is filled with tension and anxiety.
Granted not all the time it's like this just most of the time

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I married my husband for security (I did't live in a secure environment growing up and this was at the top of my list because Love didn't ever seem to pan out in my relationships so I tried something diff). Can I ever find love with my husband. Is this really all about me and i have a screw loose? Is there something i can fix about myself and i will no longer feel this way? Does SA have anything to do with this and not feeling open to intimacy? - (I was in a relationship before my husband and we were very active in the bedroom and lots of nonsexual contact as well). Anyone with this experience?

Sorry for my ramblings I'm just trying to figure this out. I have a T appt on Monday and this will be discussed.

[Sannah]

So your husband makes you feel tense? No wonder your son has anxiety too (I think I remember reading this here??). Well, this is great insight geez that you have recognized this. Awareness is great. I remember having to work on my anxiety concerning my husband. Mine was me working on my comfort with having someone close to me. Never experienced that before and I had to get used to it! You can work through anything if you set it as a goal. What I have always done was to continue to gather info and problem solve. All of our journeys are unique. How you react to your husband does affect him. I found that I didn't speak up enough with my husband. When you aren't used to speaking up for yourself you don't notice. Once I did, it improved things a lot.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there Geez

I really feel for you. Anxiety is something that is passed on from parent to child.
My mother suffered with it, I have it and my sister has it and my niece has it. My Grandson has it and my daughter had it, my brothers daughter has it too. So if possible dear Geez try not to blame your husband for his symptoms, I'm sure he would rather not have them. It is truly a heartbreaking disorder and the panic attacks that rise from it make one feel as if they are dying.

You do however have every right not to be placed under pressure and stress. My wonderful partner eventually admitted that he was feeling unacceptable pressure because of my mental illness. He spoke to our doctor and he was given medication for himself. And though that is not ideal, it does tend to balance things out.

Maybe asking your husband how you could plan the activity might take out some of the anxiety? If I were to plan toasting mallows I would give everyone a disposable but clean stick (one for each person), make sure everyone was a safe but functional distance from the fire and have wet wipes there to wash the sticky fingers and faces...but I have anxiety and OCD so the planning is a given

Being at a crossroads is a scary thing; when you realise that your life is crap and you really want to be stress free and happy but its too late to change things without making really huge changes can drop you into a depression and anxiety that is hard to get out of,

Lots of love & support for your situation,

Rhi

[divided self]

Originally Posted by geez

I went out with a few aquantance mom friends last night to a concert and had a great time (it's been 8yrs since i went to a concert and that was a concert my husband wanted to see)! I felt like I was in my early twentys again (before marriage and kids etc..). I felt totally free to just be myself - No stress or tension. That experience was a shot between the eyes of what I am missing in my life. The feeling of not having tension or stress all the time (having kids at home means there will always be some form of stress . I had tension and stress all the time growing up in my home environment and I feel like I have that at home now with my husband.

I crave my husband just holding me. Unfortuantly the tension and stress gets in the way. Perhaps I could be more open to my husband and more open to sex if I didn't feel tension and stress all the time. My husband has an anxiety disorder and is on meds and that helps some (he refuses to go to marriage counseling or individual counseling - i've been begging him for the past year).

Tonight I thought it could be fun to roast marshmallows after dinner. We were outside and it went like this (husband talking to our 5yr old):
K the marshmallow is too close to the coals you don't want to touch the coals with the marshmallow.
K don't put your mouth on the stick because I don't like germs and we are all using the same stick.
K don't put your hands in the dirt now the door handle is going to get dirty.
This is my life and I'm feeling sad about it. What sounds like could be a fun experience is filled with tension and anxiety.
Granted not all the time it's like this just most of the time

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I married my husband for security (I did't live in a secure environment growing up and this was at the top of my list because Love didn't ever seem to pan out in my relationships so I tried something diff). Can I ever find love with my husband. Is this really all about me and i have a screw loose? Is there something i can fix about myself and i will no longer feel this way? Does SA have anything to do with this and not feeling open to intimacy? - (I was in a relationship before my husband and we were very active in the bedroom and lots of nonsexual contact as well). Anyone with this experience?

Sorry for my ramblings I'm just trying to figure this out. I have a T appt on Monday and this will be discussed.

Hi there, am placing reply here because of your quote. I am new here and even though I we will never see each other, etc., what I'm about to divulge is still very difficult, but I hope that it helps to make your situations feel better.
First off, I have a social phobia that can trigger schizophrenia (they're a great team, lol). Regardless of my education and that I can operate as a very effective therapist, in ANY purely socially situation I appear as a blithering idiot. So as for intimate relationships of any kind, and they have never existed. I hope that this helps you feel that your situation actually has a great deal of hope because you can connect and have others connect to you. It is possible that the choices that you make in your partner and his choices (such as counselling) is the barrier, which can be altered.
In fact, I've joined today to hopefully help me start learning how to talk to people (as opposed to work related analysis foe example).

[WePow]

It is great that you are being honest with yourself and how you feel about the situation.
I also understand being in a stable relationship due to a need for stability.
But what I am learning is that even though the one we picked may have issues that make our life a challenge (for some of us we have enough on our plate without that extra!), well there is a way to stay with our chosen partner without taking on their stuff as well.

For me, I have to be mindful of the situation as it comes up and just monitor my own emotions. When my partner is having a PTSD issue, I am able to remind myself that it is not MY ptsd issue right then. It can easily become one if I don't watch it though. So I will emotionally withdraw a little bit and will view my partner as only a friend or even as just someone I know. I work extra hard to not take the situation or even things said directly to me as personal... even when they are personal. As the years have gone by (11 of them now), I have learned how to know when what is being said is PTSD talking or if it is something personal I have to address with my partner.

Another thing I do is to focus on my own self care. Sometimes I have to get away by myself and do whatever I need to do to bring myself back into balance. For me, that was not easy at first due to a little bit of that possessive nature some partners get. Whenever I have a need that I must fulfill for myself, I have to just draw a line and make a stand. Sometimes that means I can not sit around and listen to a PTSD driven blow-up because it is making me upset, so I will excuse myself. My partner does not like it, but we both know that I will be back when the situation is less volitile and safer for both of us.

Being able to understand your true needs in order to stay safe is vital.
Being able to articulate those needs to your spouse will help you both be able to maintain the relationship in a healthy way.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So your husband makes you feel tense? No wonder your son has anxiety too (I think I remember reading this here??).

I found that I didn't speak up enough with my husband. When you aren't used to speaking up for yourself you don't notice. Once I did, it improved things a lot.

Thank you for your response Sannah. Anxiety runs rampant on my husbands side of the family. Everyone it seems is on some type of anti anxiety drug.

As for speaking up I'm in that same boat that you were. It's slow going but i'm working at it (one of my goals). As I get better in this area I'm sure things will get better. I hope.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Maybe asking your husband how you could plan the activity might take out some of the anxiety?

I normally always plan the activity but have been hoping that he would take the lead a bit so I let him.

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

If I were to plan toasting mallows I would give everyone a disposable but clean stick (one for each person), make sure everyone was a safe but functional distance from the fire and have wet wipes there to wash the sticky fingers and faces...but I have anxiety and OCD so the planning is a given

I suggested to him that everyone have their own stick and he had some anxiety driven response as to why that couldn't happen. I would do the same as you only i would forget to bring the wipes until after everyones hands are covered in marshmallow

I love your med idea for me - I've found a drink for me every now and then has been helping a little bit but I however do not want to go down the road to excess (a road that was well traveled in my younger years).

Thank you Rhiannonsmoon for sharing with me your experience. - wishing for peace.

[geez]

Originally Posted by divided self

Hi there, am placing reply here because of your quote. I am new here and even though I we will never see each other, etc., what I'm about to divulge is still very difficult, but I hope that it helps to make your situations feel better.

Thank you fighting through your reluctance and sharing this with me!

Originally Posted by divided self

First off, I have a social phobia that can trigger schizophrenia (they're a great team, lol).

Very interesting. Could you share more about that? - perhaps in a PM if not in a public post? Reason I ask is that while anxiety runs rampant on my husbands side of the family schizophrenia runs rampant on my side of the family (mixed with depression and paranoia) (I so hope and pray my boys don't get this disease - so far thankfully my oldest only has anticipatory anxiety). I have a brother who is paranoid shizophrenic (on meds but is the 10% of the population with this disease that isn't 'normal' even on the meds), my grandmother had it and i have several cousins who have the disease as well. There was a study done on my family at a university in NY (can't remember the name of it right now). It's something we don't really talk a ton about but I am interested in talking to others who are willing to share there experiences. Perhaps i should explore online to find a support group for those who have family members with the disease? If there isn't anything like this already on PC there should be one. - since this original post I found it

Originally Posted by divided self

Regardless of my education and that I can operate as a very effective therapist, in ANY purely socially situation I appear as a blithering idiot.

This is a safe place and great place to practice being social

Originally Posted by divided self

So as for intimate relationships of any kind, and they have never existed. I hope that this helps you feel that your situation actually has a great deal of hope because you can connect and have others connect to you. It is possible that the choices that you make in your partner and his choices (such as counselling) is the barrier, which can be altered.
In fact, I've joined today to hopefully help me start learning how to talk to people (as opposed to work related analysis foe example).

I hope to break through these barriers. I'm working on my part and I hope he decides to something other than the diy method. I find this process very frustrating and hopeless sometimes. Many heartfelt thanks and wishing for peace.

[geez]

Originally Posted by WePow

..well there is a way to stay with our chosen partner without taking on their stuff as well.

For me, I have to be mindful of the situation as it comes up and just monitor my own emotions. When my partner is having a PTSD issue, I am able to remind myself that it is not MY ptsd issue right then. It can easily become one if I don't watch it though. So I will emotionally withdraw a little bit and will view my partner as only a friend or even as just someone I know. I work extra hard to not take the situation or even things said directly to me as personal... even when they are personal.

Another thing I do is to focus on my own self care. Sometimes I have to get away by myself and do whatever I need to do to bring myself back into balance. For me, that was not easy at first due to a little bit of that possessive nature some partners get. Whenever I have a need that I must fulfill for myself, I have to just draw a line and make a stand. Sometimes that means I can not sit around and listen to a PTSD driven blow-up because it is making me upset, so I will excuse myself. My partner does not like it, but we both know that I will be back when the situation is less volitile and safer for both of us.

Thank you WeePow for sharing some of your experiences. I find it hard to not take some of the things he says seriously based on my lifetime experiences (as hurtful as they may be sometimes - example getting into an argument and he goes strait for the - we should get a divorce line - i then lose it for a short period of time and he comes back with an apology and that he was caught up in the moment - other times however he's extreemly supportive of me in many ways). I am trying to draw a line and do things for myself more. I'm not used to doing that and I feel like I'm making myself more distant when doing things for myself for some reason. Perhaps I'm afraid of change? Change that could draw my husband and I further apart? Change in a bad way is not what I want.

Thanks for listening and thank you for your post!