a Memory. . .Big Trigger

I don't know how to put the trigger warnings. . .can somebody help me?

have to write this somewhere, so I am going to step on this faith you all keep talking about and try to be trusting and honest.

Something triggered me badly yesterday while I was at my T's office. He was asking me about whether I was angry with my mother, and did I ever think of what I'd like to say or do to her. And I did. . .but as he was asking me to verbalize those things, I realized that they are just a mirror image of what she did to me, and I couldn't say them. I shut down. . .stared out the window and completely ignored him. My heart locked up and froze up on me, and I thought I was going to melt into a puddle of filth right there. This is eating on me even now, and if I don't get it out then I am going to keep cutting and I am afraid I am really going to hurt myself. So, here goes.

What I'd like to say/do to her.

I'd like to tell you that you stole my innocence, but I can't say for sure b/c I've never known innocence to begin with. How can I lose what I never had? I think sometimes I'd like to tie you down and strip you and humilate you. I'd stare and make fun of your little breasts and your boney hips. Then I'd point out all the flaws you have. I'd like to beat you and burn you. I can't do these things and I can't tell about them either b/c they aren't really MY wishes. They are simply the memory of what you did to me. It was YOUR hands that touched my little girl places and probed into the deepest parts of my little body. It was your deviance that used cigarettes to burn my little legs and arms. You were the one who forced me to learn to kiss before I was old enough, and it was YOU who stole the treasure of kissing from me before I was old enough to enjoy it. You used your hands to hit my little face and bring up bruises on me. . .you lauged when I gagged on blood from my split lip. You leered as men used my tiny body for their pleasures. I loathe you. And because of what you did to me, I cannot wish harm on you. You stole away my desire for vengeance with your deviant acts. I wish the fifth ring of Hell on your soul forever.

I heard and felt your pain, and am sorry you had to endure all that your mom did.

When you are writing just click on the the blue writing that says post icon next to the little yellow book and a whole bunch of icons will pop up just click on the one you want.

Ok, I'm still not sure how to get to it, but I'll try if I write again. Please dont kick me out. . .I'm not trying to break the rules, it's just kind of hard to figure it all out. I'm still feeling weird about just being here too. . .my T thinks its a good idea though.

I added the trigger icon for you. You're fine - don't worry, we don't penalize people for being new and not knowing how to do everything. It's not a big deal to just add it anyway.

I am very sorry that those things happened to you. Nobody should have to grow up with that. You were innocent, and you are not to blame for these things. You were a little girl, and you couldn't control what was done to you. I hope that you can feel safe now, and know that now you do have control, and it never has to happen again.

gracey,

i'm a survivor as well. what you did here was MONUMENTAL in your healing. i urge you to print this entire thread out and take it to your t, ok? you were so brave in writing. you will have to continue to be brave if you take it to t.

i'm so sorry that you were hurt. no child deserves to be hurt or used. you are a precious gift to this world, and your parental unit just couldn't see that due to own illnesses and/or meaness.

i applaud you. you are a SURVIVOR. please take this to t, but only if you feel you're ready. you could print it out as well just to keep for when you are ready. you have been so brave here today.

check in with us and let us know how you are and what you decided please?

by the way welcome! you're fine here. you're safe. you did nothing wrong. you're appreciated.

kd

I'm not sure what to say right now. . I'm kind of overwhelmed by all of this.

((((((((((((Gracey)))))))))))))
We were hurt by mother too.
Vicki

{{{{{{Gracy}}}}}} It saddens me that you had to endure everything you went through as a little girl. Remember you were a little girl and you were innocent and the one who was abused. Sometimes it is easier to write to your t what is too hard to verbalize at the time. Then as you get stronger maybe you can talk about it. Don't worry if it takes a while. Please take care of yourself.

Wow. You get huge dragon hugs for this

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[dragonhugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

**And because of what you did to me, I cannot wish harm on you. You stole away my desire for vengeance with your deviant acts. I wish the fifth ring of Hell on your soul forever. **

-to me this is so important. Because for you, and I'm sure for lots of people (me included) it almost seems like we're raised with this little battery inside that never runs out and it makes us *love* the person who did these horrible things to us. The closer they are to us (brother sister, mother father) the more we love them and the more it hurts at the same time. it's like pouring salt into a wound, or a lemon over a cut... it feels like you can never get away.

so I made my own rules. I can love someone and not like them. it's like having respect for someone because they worked hard to be your boss, but not LIKING them becuase they're (looking for a nice word here) not very nice.

For me personally, I would have a really hard time with this. Because I have such a hard time being mad at anyone but myself. And I can't IMAGINE making someone feel the way I did growing up. So I can believe that trying to make the aggressor feel the pain you went through would be very disturbing to you, but also it seems like it could be catharsistic (not sure of the spelling) for you.

If I wasn't in the library with a million people all around me I think I'd be bawling, and that's not something I do very easily at all. Those are the only words that I can offer to show you how moved and important this is to me.

-dragon

{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}

I am so deeply sorry that you had such a painful childhood. I was emotionally abused by a mother with all kinds of mental health issues and though she never physically abused me, I can relate to you wanting to love her in spite of what she did, yet you hate her at the same time and wish hell on her for what she did to you.

This is very important for you and everyone else to know: you are NOT required to remain in a toxic relationship. We all deserve to be safe from harm, to be loved and to have happiness in our lives.

Nothing about our abuse is our fault. For me, what helps is to try to figure out why my mother felt the need to emotionally abuse me. What I come up with is: she learned to do it from her father. I believe that when people abuse each other, it is because they feel inadequate and are trying to gain power and feel strong. So we must remember that when they abuse, what they are feeling is weakness. If we can see through their abuse and picture them as a helpless beetle on its back, we can come to the realization that they have no power over us. They're just lashing out in desperation because they are so unhappy with THEMSELVES. Abuse is not about the abusee-- it's about the abusER. We do not have to absorb the pain they are trying to inflict. If we play into it, it's just as if we took that beetle and helped it onto it's feet so it can continue towards us and crawl under our skin. I don't know if this metaphor is helping, but this is one way I look at it. (I am not against beeltes by the way but I don't think scorpions ever get stuck on their backs so I used the beetle here. )

And the way I see it, there's an amazing reason you don't really want to tie your mother down and do those things to her -- because you are an authentically good and compassionate person. That means you are STRONG and you are seeing to it that the abuse stops with you. I think it's okay for you to journal about it and get your anger out. I've had moments when I wanted to shake my mother until her head pops off and rolls around on the floor. Then I wanted to kick it and pull its hair and tell it never to say another hurtful thing to me again. But then I remember that she doesn't even know what she's doing. I don't want to be a violent person. So I think of my mother as mentally handicapped and I feel nothing but sadness that she is trapped in the hell of her own mind.

Hope this helps. Peace and gentle healing to you!

Kelly