more stuff..

another f*ll m**n...considering how terrible this month has been, i'm not surprised its f*ll m**n is throwing us for a loop...
i was really bad off last night. a few of the mute littles were upset, and trying to help them express it through making a collage with pictures & photoshop only seemed to make it worse. wanted to c*t really bad but couldn't so ended up sitting at the computer for hours trying to numb out. SUI feelings were bad. body memories too, bad ones. that started around 8. by 11:30 it was all dissociated i guess because i just felt empty. c*t twice, not too severe.

been swinging back&forth on the whole "denial" issue...between thinking it's real and then it can't possibly be. repeat cycle several times an hour.
it could just be the energy from the f*ll m**n making me anxious and ****ing with my already ****ed-up mind...it's all just a delusion probably...empathy or something...

Hello Violet,
Good job holding it together. I find it helps if I relax and let the bad energy flow out my feet. Don't try to hold it. Let it flow.

Denial and doubt are two normal side effects of this. Those inside need to tell their story. They have been holding it for a long time. Do not blame them or yourself for the pain caused by others. We understand.

But then I'm not sure that they're real.
I know, I know...but if the memories have a chance of not being real then it's just ****ed-up...

I wish i was able to tell you that the memories are not true and it would all go away when you wake tomorrow, but I can not. We can not change our past, but we can choose how we allow it to control us. We are here for you and we care.

thank you...

body memories again. did nothing to bring them on. maybe it is real.
i feel like my memory changes from day to day. like some days i remember things and believe i remember a lot, then other days i don't and realize i remember almost nothing. there WAS spaces in time where things like RA could've happened, at nights when our dad took us out.
i feel like i only remember how things were once then use it as a frame of reference. like i remember one or two days of being home and i assume that that's how it was all the time.

maybe i'm just crazy.....
i got a memory after c*tting a few nights ago, that seemed real...like my reaction ....
can't think right right now...

im gona die im gona die im gona die

I also go back and forth between thinking I'm remembering a lot and almost even feeling confident that it doesn't get worse than what I do remember. And then I have days where I feel like there's just nothing there. Like if I go far enough back in time, I don't even exist.. aside from a sense of something dark and ugly and horrible.

I have not c*t. I have wanted to so badly, especially over the past year or two.. I think the main thing that keeps me from giving in is the fact that I have 5 kids home with me ALL. THE. TIME.

Today a repetitive though running through my head was "If a person could die by sheer will and desire, I'd have been gone a long time ago."

ditto

scared and body huyrts...

Lots of love coming to you.

I spent a good portion of my afternoon today just lying on my bed, waiting and wishing for darkness to swallow me. I want it to just STOP.

Try to just remember where you are right now. Keep yourself there and don't let yourself slip into the past. Memories are memories and not our present.

thtthanks....
just kind adisoriented...
body memoireses...
somenoeone keeps saying their feet ar stardust...might be C. dunno...
haunted...

Violet, I cannot relate to the SI issues, but the other stuff is all to real for me.
When I get this way, I try to sit in a quiet place and close my eyes and look inward at what is being shown, said or felt adn then ask "Where is this coming from?" I clear my mind and ask, I ussually get an image or a flash and then I try to see more detail and notcie the feelings around a certain image or symbol.
I write it all down, when I am able. It gets really scarey at times, I FEEL exactly what is going on at the time of the trauma.
The more I fought it, the more it SCREAMED at me ( thru feelings, etc). I now try to decode my dreams, flashes and feelings. It has helped alot.
I have learned that the dreams and scenes are very significant, and that they may not show the exact "playout" of the events, but the core message is always acurate and on point. Some of the details may be jumbled, but the message is true. It cause alot of confusion.
example: I had a dream about something that happened to me. It was not acurate in the surrounding imagery, but the actions were real. The people did not look like the people who did this to me, but the feeling it was them was acurate. Like I would say, he acts like Dad, but he doesn't look like Dad. His eyes are just like Dad's, but he doen't look like Dad.
It was too painful for me to see my Dad doing these things, but I KNEW it was him. The guy was a stand in for him, because I was not ready to see the real image, at the time.
Sometimes I may see w oman in an outfit that my mother wore and she is doing something in my dream. She represents my mom, but doesn't look like her. But I feel it is her. My feeling memories are very strong, intense and I have them flash on me at times, very overwhelmingly.
I do not know if this will help you, but it works well for me.
I am sorry you are going thru this...
But I hope you find a way to let it come through, so you can see, feel and heal from it.
Many safe hugs...

Violets, are you in therapy?

I'm trying to accept that it's real, but it's hard and really scary if it is. I'm still not 100% on it, and I know it's invalidating and it's not fair to those who went through it, but I'm terrified that it could be just a figment of my imagination.
But thank you a lot, you're right...I need to take a deep breath and stare right in the face of everything that's screaming at me...

And Sannah, no, we're not currently in therapy, haven't been since March 2008.

Violet, I would find a T very soon, sounds like you are on a highway with a head-on breakthrough...

i'm not that bad off...

Therapy is essential for healing.........

it can't be the only answer though..

What are the other answers?

I don't know...
I just can't go to therapy right now and am trying to work things out myself...

Therapy is the best answer, however the person has to be ready for it. This is an individual thing. Unfortunately there are some Ts that are not very effective in this field and sometimes a person may get one of those and then shy away from the help they need. Sometimes a person has problem finding money or time.