[Rapunzel]

About a week or so ago, my husband complained about what I write about him here. I don't know what he thinks I write about him here. I didn't think that I was saying anything wrong. He referred to some comment in chat announcements where I referred to what he was saying or doing that involved me while I was hosting a chat.

I think that I have mentioned that we are getting divorced. The kids know about it now. I didn't want it to become public knowledge before we had the chance to tell them, because that would have been wrong.

It took me a very long time to decide what to do. I haven't been happy for a very long time - maybe not ever, going back to way before I even met him. I wanted a chance to sort out my life and who I am, and I'm not turning out to be the person he wants me to be.

What was a question of trying to stay or trying to leave became a question of giving up on myself or trying to exist. If I don't choose to exist, I will be only a shadow (as I have been) or i will die.

My reason not to suicide has been that I couldn't work out how to look like it was an accident without risking harm to innocent others. I have stopped caring about H getting insurance money. He seems to want me to stop existing.

If I agree to leave with nothing, or to let H make all the decisions, I would be agreeing to stop existing. It is hard to write this next sentence because I have never believed it. I'm trying to believe it now. I do exist. I have the right to exist. It is time to start living like I do.

[Rapunzel]

Someone asked me, repeatedly, what I want.

• I want to be my children's mother. That means equal custody and decision-making rights.
• I want what is best for the kids, whether that means for them to stay with their dad so that they can stay near their friends and in the same schools, or if it is best for them to come with me. For now it might be best for them to stay with him because I don't know where I am going, and I don't want to turn their lives upside down.
• I want to exist.
• I want an identity.
• I want a place to live. I expect to have to give up most of my animals, at least for now, but I need to be able to keep at least my cats. I need somebody, and the cats may be it for now.
• Eventually, I want to be able to buy my own house. I understand and accept that I may need to wait a few years before that is possible.
• I want to be respected. No more swearing at me or discrediting me or blaming me for my illness, for bills, or for anything that is beyond my control.
• I want a future. That includes access to health care and retirement. I would have had those things if I had started my career 20 years ago. The benefits that he earned by his employment are not only his. My contribution was to stay home and raise the children, and also supporting him in completing his education so that he has been able to have his career.

Is this too many "I wants?"

[lynn P.]

"I do exist. I have the right to exist. It is time to start living like I do."

You're absolutely right ((Rapunzel)) and no you're not asking for too much at all. You're also being fair, but have you spoken to an attorney to make sure you're not being taken advantage of?? Praying for peace, strength and clarity in this difficult situation.

[Rapunzel]

A few more ramblings and attempts to make sense of things:

I am willing to let the kids stay with H if it is best to them, so that they don't have to move. Not because he says that I am too unstable. I am not giving them up! They are welcome to come and live with me at any time. I would love to have them.

I am willing to help to support the children, take care of them, and meet their needs as much as I can. I would rather help out as needed and as I am able to rather than having an imposed or set "child support payment." Child support is for the children, not for H, and legally can't be negotiated in trade for something else. Thanks Mary for clarifying that for me!

I am willing to sacrifice some things that I want so that I can live independently.

I am not willing to settle for less than I deserve because of H's accusation that I "never did anything for him." I did the best that I could for 20 years. I bore three children and raised them. I changed 99.99% of the diapers (he complained loudly about the few that he ever had to deal with). I tried to take care of the house. I wasn't good at it - nobody ever taught me how - I did better than my mother did. I tried to make the budget work even though most of what we had was debt. I sacrificed my education, career, and sense of self-worth. I tried to contribute to family income by what means I had.

I tried to return his affections. He kept wanting more than I could give, and I kept giving at tremendous emotional cost to myself. I tried to keep the family together, long after I was miserable, and only decided to leave when I knew that trying to stay was hurting more than just me. I was always honest about that.

My career has been delayed by 20 years, and now I will have no access to health insurance or retirement funds. I am giving up almost all of my animals, and any semblance of stability or comfort that I had. It is not fair to accuse me of being motivated by money or gain. Those things are not true.

[sunrise]

Amen to all your wrote, Rapunzel! That is a great list. You do deserve to exist!

You are so right about how you did contribute to the marriage and family for 20 years even if you weren't the primary breadwinner. When spouses delay their careers for the family they give up a lot in earning power and that can be taken into consideration during a divorce. I truly commend you for putting your kids first and wanting the best for them.

now I will have no access to health insurance or retirement funds

If your H has retirement funds, you can negotiate to get part of those in the settlement. Also, if he has health insurance through his employer, you can have access to that through the COBRA program for a couple of years after the divorce (but you would have to pay the monthly premium for yourself).

Good luck to you on your path.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Rapunzel )))))))))))))

[eskielover]

This will end up being a time of realizing WHAT YOU believe, learning that YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, defining YOUR VALUES. A time of really finding out who you really are & getting your career going. For me, I found it to be scary at times & exciting at others as it's really a time of complete discovery, a time of sorting out the TRUTH about what was really going on in that relationship without your husband telling you what you are thinking or doing in the relationship

I know when I left my husband (initially it wasn't planned on it being permanent), but after I left, I realized that I never had any feelings for him. He had done & said things before we got married that caused me not to respect him & he never did anything during our marriage to change those feelings. I realized after I left that I couldn't love someone that I never respected & it was quite an eye opener to realize that I never did care about him. It was nothing but work to return any affections because in reality, they didn't exist. I used my career to keep me away from that. I had values that I believed in before I got married such as save your money up before buying what you want & pay cash for it.....that was the farthest thing from his belief. Sadly, I allowed myself to be manipulated into acting in that same way....it was easy & when we both had our aerospace engineering jobs, we had the money to make those monthly payments on a few things.....even though I knew that it was the wrong way to run our finances, I handed the finances over to him so that I wouldn't fight & get angry about what he was doing & there were things that I wanted to buy too, things that I really didn't need. But even with that, I ended up finding that I was constantly fighting with him about his values. When I finally was away from that tension, it was obvious how bad it was for those 33 years.

The best thing after I left him & ended up having NO MONEY, I was able to go back to the beliefs that I held before I ever got married. It was like finding myself again & then the fact that I had never lived alone & never had to take care of myself, was a scary situation I put myself into also along with moving to a place 2400 miles away where I didn't know anyone. I had never lived alone before so I needed to build up the confidence that I could take care of myself. I got to the point after I lost my career that I never cooked for myself & I never cleaned the house. I went on strike because I felt that he was taking advantage of my not working when he would come home from work & throw his mess down & never pick up after himself. I wasn't about to become his slave when I never liked him in the first place. I can't even remember the number of sui attempts I ended up going through because of the feeling of not belonging anywhere & my feeling of fighting where I was where I didn't want to be along with feeling no purpose as being a wife & mother were never a purpose that never held a value of where I wanted to be in my life. My career was the only thing that defined my value. I separated from my husband in our own home during those 13 years until I was finally able to be free.

Your children may be worse off with their relationship with you if they do stay with your husband. Seems that he may try to turn them against you considering everything he's saying even now. That's a high price for you to pay......just means that you will have to work harder at keeping those relationships open & the communications going freely.

Take the time slowly & be aware of your emotions so you can acknowledge the feelings & lack of feelings you have been experiencing all these years. I know I have learned so much about myself & that has been the best part to really get to know myself & fix the things that aren't working because it's a lot easier to focus when you don't have a husband mouthing off at you constantly.

[Onward2wards]

I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. Wishing you all the best for your new life and future.

[phoenix7]

You are an AMAZING and STRONG person who DESERVES everything on your list and more - this is a great start - be strong - you can do this

[Fuzzybear]

[googley]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))))))))))))

That is not too many wants. You deserve all the wants in the world.

[AAAAA]

I do exist. I have the right to exist. It is time to start living like I do.

ABSOLUTELY!!!! When you get right down to the core issue it doesn't matter what your boss, husband, children, parents, or neighbor thinks if you don't value yourself nothing else matters. You want respect, well start at home, respect yourself! Accept that YOU are allowed to make decisions (right/wrong/indifferent) based upon YOUR needs and desires. You do not have to justify or rationalize them based upon someone else's actions. Doing so allows someone else to be in control of your life.

I hope that leaving your husband does start you on that path that will allow you to say "I will not be treated like this by anyone". Not by your employeer, parents, T, clients, nor children.