[manuelle]

My girlfriend who is in her late 30's now and when she was 14-15 area babysat 2 boys and their father used to take her into the basement when his wife was at work and teach her to make alcoholic drinks etc.. and also used to take her once in a while to bars outside their neiborhood where nobody knew them and she has told me that there was no improper touching/ sex etc.. Does this only sound weird to me that a cute little skinny blond with larger than normal boobs who was only 14 area who swears nothing ever went on with this married man behind his wifes back and my girlfriends fathers back, that there was nothing going on and years later she has had alcohol problems ,she went through a period of literally getting totally ripped drunk and waking up with her mistakes, relationship problems and basically idolizes the guy who she said did nothing with her.
Someone please help me to understand whether I'm just overreacting to this or whether it is actually the truth that I've been told because she still comes home after work and has to have 2 beer minimum. Please help.

Thank You

[ltlredvett]

Manuelle...

I am not really sure what you are asking in your post. Are you looking for some reason or rationale for your girlfriend's apparent drinking problem?

It is certainly highly suspicious that a grown man would spend time with a teenage girl in that way. Like you, I would be suspicious of his motives and if anything really did go on.

Does your girlfriend have any issues with intimacy that would lead you to believe that she has a history of abuse? Have you shared your concerns regarding her drinking with her? How does she function day to day? Is there reason to beelive that she is suppressing bad memories? Has she seen a therapists at all to see if any hidden memories could be flushed out?

My suggestion is to sit down with your girl friend and calmly talk to her about your concerns, especially her drinking. Do it in a very caring and loving way and do not be judgemental.

[heidu]

You can also look in the phone book for your local Al-anon group. It is for family members or people affected by a loved one's drinking problems. They are a branch of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous).
You will find alot of helpful information and support.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[manuelle]

Thank You ltlredvett for your info I'm not sure if you got my first message as I got kicked off line so here goes, she does have a drinking problem and from what I know , she doesn't have intimacy problems with me which is the reason for my query here because she basically loves and trusts men and has been very open from the beginning of our relationship that she likes to be dominated/pinned down/tied down and fairly rough sexand I was wondering if this guy who treated a 14-15 year old teen like a grown woman and made her feel special and adult etc.. if this could be the way a girl reacts to being abused but in a nice wayrather than being violently abused which makes most women afraid of men and sex? I also am not sure but think that maybe her drinking is to dull pain or embarrassment from her past, she tells me that that is how she was raised but I don't buy that because you make your own decisions and she did go through a period of extremely heavy drinking including missing work from hangovers etc.. as well as waking up with different partners as far as I can tell , but i really would like to makr this work and the past doesn't bother me as it was not her fault anyway but the drinking is a real problem, she does look older from it and is overweight(which I will not mention to her) but it does bother me because I think that in the future it will come back and possibly damage our relationship at that time.
I really don't want to mention any more about ti to her as she does get very defensive about the alcohol and she did tell me that she did go to AA but I notice that she just doesn't come home and have a beer ; she NEEDS at least 2 and if not stopped she will have more or get into the rum.
Tahnk You again , I really appreciate the help as I don't know what else to do about this.

[ltlredvett]

manuelle....

You stated in your post that your girlfriend's past does not bother you. While it is admirable not to judge people based on their past, their past shoud be of major concern to you. It is a concern because it can give you insight into why they may be acting the way they are acting.

Let me share with you my own story. After my divorce I met a woman that was eight years younger than I am. I was defintely in "lust" with her. She was very attractive, very feminine and very sensual (qualities that my ex wife didn't possess. She had a troubled past, was abused verbally and emotionally by both her father and then her step father. She ahd two brothers but did not have a realtionship with either of them (that should of been a red flag right there). I was so enamored with the fact that this attractive, younger very sexual woman would want me that I madea hastey decision to marry her. After the marriage things really started unravelling very quickly. She had two sons and she was overly upset that I was not "bonding" with them. Even after four weeks she would flip out on me saying that her boys didn't feel "safe", which was crazy. I think she had major issues from her past and feeling of safety was one of them. She told me she didn't want her boys to go through what she went through. Then, 7 days after paying off thousands of dolalrs in debt and cashing in most of my retirement money to buy a house for us she upped and left. I begged her to come back. She did. To make a long story short she cleaned out my bank account, had a great Christmas for her kids and after Christmas left again without a word. And, in the process created such "high drama"... sent the police to my son's home becuase he wrote her a letter saying how mad he was, sent the police to my home with an order of protection, etc., etc., etc. She thought the world "owed her something".

I do believe that she also had some issues with sex and sexuality. I can only say that now looking back in hind sight. At the time I thought it was "hot". On our first date we were driving in the country and she opened her blouse, exposed her breast and placed my hand on it. I wanted to wait for intimacy. And we did wait to have sex, but not as long as I wanted to. Frankly, I think that she used me for sex. It never really felt genuine, close or loving. It was all about "getting off".

The nightmare of this marriage propelled me into a severe depression and has changed my life forever. My depression catapulted me into a spiral of my own unhealthy sexual excursions and slef destruction. As a result I am feeling guilt, shame and bitterness toward her. I have been suicidal for almost three years now. I did finally meet the most wonderful woman you could imagine, but all my own issues, depression and "acting out" caused me to lose this relationship as well.

I share this story with you to warn you. I am in no way suggesting that your girl friend is going to "flip out on you" the way this woman did to me. However, there are certainly lots of red falgs there. And, while it is commendable that her past does not "bother you", don't put your head in the sand either. If you are going to get serious with this woman take some time to do the right things to make sure she is healthy and your relationship is healthy. Get her to counseling. Go to counseling together. Make damn sure that her past will not come back to haunt you. Her drinking problem needs to be addressed. And, it appears as though she does not have a healthy approach to sex and sexuality. Fast, hard, wham-bam sex is fine once in a while. But, the majority of the time it should be warm, loving and very intimate. It appears as though she may have issues with true intimacy.

Again, I share my story to give you an example of what can happen if you ignore someone's past. Don't be blinded. Please be proactive. Don't ruin your life as I ruined mine.

[jac]

Hi manuelle
As I read I suddenly had an insight. Going through some (gulp) sexual abuse myself from a man who was supposed to protect me and love me and respect me(he was my husband) I have come to realize that some of my problems with feeling "special" to someone stem from this abuse. This is difficult for me to talk about because saying it out loud only brings it back from the depths of my soul. When someone you have respected and cared about treats you like a piece of *** that has no feelings and is only there for their pleasure, it tends to cause a teensy bit of disfunction.
(deep breath) I think she may have felt a bit used by this man and needs to talk it out. What he did to her was wrong and she needs to be able to decide that herself. She may like to do all of the domination because that man made her feel like she should enjoy it. He did not hurt her violently-he just used a childs point of view to use her. I am not afraid of men sexually even though my abuse (wow-nothing like some self-therapy) was not always violent. I do however have a hard time trusting in men and letting them see the real me. Your girlfriend had to grow up sexually a lot faster than most. Maybe she feels like she deserves the whole domination/rough sex/etc. I probably am not a very good one to touch upon that subject because I can already feel the anxiety starting up and the past coming to bite me again.

I am sorry, I hope I have explained what I think could possibly be happening in her mind. The best way maybe is to ask her how she felt about it then and now. Don't push too hard,let her have control over the conversation.
Shame and guilt go hand in hand in these circumstances. I am by no means saying she should feel these but I guess since I do maybe she may too.
lots of luck-let me know how things go
--jac

[yokus]

Could it be possible that your friend does not remember the actual abuse? I started remembering my abuse at 11 several years ago, but I was in my forties before I remembered. And I did a lot of self-destructive behavior, including drinking, to kill the pain that I felt but did not yet realize the reason why. I believe the best thing you could do for your friend is to encourage her to see a therapist. For herself and for you. Don't know if this helps any but I hope you find a way to deal with it.

Yokus