Can't pretend I'm not scared.

Right at this minute I am struggling to find any words. Basically I am terrified. I have an appointment with the Child and Adolescent Sexual Trauma Sevice on Friday and I'm really scared. I think it could help but it's the confidentiality that I am terrified of.

This plus the dream I had last night has set off heaps of flashbacks. I have tried blocking them out and Pete (my boyfriend) has helped but the flashbacks just keep coming. I'm fighting them again cause I don't want to see these images. I keep seeing Darren in my head, threatening me and his friends pushing me into walls and tripping me up. I keep having the image of Darren pushing me against the wall holding me there while doing the things he wanted to me.

Then there are the images of my ex. One second I see us smiling then the next he has me pinned down to the bed doing things I hated. Then the feeling of being choked. I am trying to move on and tell myself it's in the past but it's so hard.

My mum seems to not give a ****. How couldn't she have noticed her daughter going into self destruct mode? How could she not recognise all the abuse and bullying? Why does she act like her and my brother didn't make my life hell?

I want to go to this appointment but don't want to be hurt all over again. I don't want them to think I am in danger when I go back home with mum, my brother and Darren all on the same street. Not even to mention all the people who were evil to me at school.

I have been happy lately and now look. I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel like a complete failure and I'm sorry. I will be fine, I always am.

Just really scared. I want the one person who makes me feel safe but I can't get to him yet. My biggest fear is having to tell the police about everything then have to go to court in which case I'm pretty sure I will end up dead.

I couldn't go to court against Rash and certainly not against Darren. Darren still scares me and I'm too ashamed of things with Rash. Just brilliant. I need to pick myself up but I'm scared of falling back down again.

Hi Crystalbleach.

Having gone through that kind of trauma is really, really hard. It is tough trying to deal with all these things on your own, it's a good thing to get some help and people to give you some advice. Sexual trauma services are very sensitive to the fears that you mentioned, they know that you are afraid, they know what can heppen. These people are trained to handle these situations. Sometimes victims do feel ashamed of things that happened... sometimes they get coaxed into playing along, but what happened isn't your fault, remember that. I'll think of you this week... keep us posted please.

Pix

Nikki,

First off: I love you.

No doubt you're thinking that you have let me down, well you haven't. You never asked for all this. You've done so well lately, and yes, you have been happy. You have had reminders, the dream, and the flashbacks; you don't need to be ashamed of being scared. I don't want you to "pretend", I just want you to fight through every iota of it, which I know you can do.

As I have said so many times: Look how far you have come, now. Look at the girl you were, to the young woman you are, now; you are an incredible person, and you're a lot stronger than you believed you were, as you have seen, first hand.

I'm sure, that one day, you will look back on all of this, as you have looked back on all the obstacles in life, and you will smile, becase you'll realise just how far you have come.

Remember, you are older, stronger, and reinforced.

All,

I hope the other people here can advise Nikki, because, especially with the confidentiality, I'm not sure what the best move would be; I am leaning more towards her seeing these people and getting the support, but, like Nikki, the confidentiality is disconcerting.

Crystalbleach......((((((SAFEHUGGS))))))....if u ever need to chat ...Plz seek me out hun....If I am here ...I will love to sit with you.Huggs or a comfortin' nod WOolf

Crystalbleach,
know that it was not your fault and like the others the people that you are going to see should be able to help you find a safe alternative. I to can not press charges againts my abusers but now I have found some safety. When you are making plans dont think about those outside of your self just think about what you need to be safe and go for it.
sending you safe thought and hopes that you will find the means to be safe and free from harm.

CB, I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Please keep us posted on what happens with your appt.

So last night went from bad to worse. I ended up in hospital and I barely remember a thing. I have decided that I am going to that appointment on Friday, I need it.

I have been in this situation before (kinda) and I know how it could end which I am not prepared to happen. Thanks for all of your support, means so much to me you have no idea.

Nikki,

Incase you somehow haven't already guessed... I'm really worried about you, Nikki.

I love you.

Pete

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Akuma ~and~Crystal B}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so happy Nikki that you have Pete......Huggs!~W~

I doubt there is even any point in me saying sorry as I've said it so many times before and look where it's gotten me. Been in hospital again, no I don't want to explain right now. I feel incredibly weak, emotionally, physically and mentally.

I will attempt to sort my s--t out when I have the energy and will power to.

Screw it. I am sorry. I am sorry for the pain I have put you through, I'm sorry for not being strong enough to fight these feelings. The truth is, yeah I don't want to go home. The thought of it sickens me but I don't have the strength to say no to mum or to let the entire family down yet again.

They wanted me to go home this weekend but I said no, as if I'm not bad enough. For ages now I have been hiding the fact that I am scared of almost everything. The thoughts I have had so many times before are slowly creeping back in and it's getting harder to fight them. How can I fight when I feel I have let everyone down and that I have hurt them?

This is how I really feel. Scared, pathetic, weak and slightly isolated. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to go home and face being hurt and all the memories and struggles I am faced with up there. Is it wrong for me to hate my mum yet not hate her at the same time? I can't say no, that's for sure. Do I want to fight when all I see in my future is more pain, failure and let down? Pete was and still is my main focus and even though I am falling apart I'm still keeping myself that little bit together in the hope that I can get away and be with him and be worth something.

This Friday appointment scares me so much and tomorrow I have a meeting with the resident life co-ordinator cause she has been informed of my two hospital visits this week. This is the last thing I need but I have to face the consequences of my actions. I also need to eat something but I still feel sick and weak and food is the last thing I want. I want to be SAFE.

Feelings are not to be fought. Feelings are to be expressed.

Who do you feel that you are hurting and letting down?

No, it isn't wrong for you to hate your mum.

Eating might help you to feel better.

Maybe these meetings will help you to get the help that you need?

Please keep us posted?