[whoswho]

I didn't know I could sink to such a level of wretchedness. But I continue to surprise myself. I told the whole story. Then I took it back. I doubt my memories so much I can't say with any amount of certainty what was real or what was merely a bad dream. I had tried to tell my parents. They denied me. I had tried to tell my teachers. They disbelieved me. I had tried to tell my friends. They laughed at me. I had tried to tell the police. They ignored me. And when I find the one person who believed me, who extended their hand in a gesture of kindness, I refuse, I become upset, I become angry that I was taken seriously. No, I cannot accept the implications of that kindness; I cannot accept that something happened. And my soul is so twisted and cold that sympathy appears to be a threat, and I must destroy it by acting out like a child. I am capable of debasing even the purest intentions. I ruin everything I touch. I am so scared. Someone believed me and I'm ashamed.

[Gus1234U]

{{{{{ WhosWho}}}}} there will be another chance, be ready this time...

[Miracle1986]

(((whoswho)))

[whoswho]

But I am still weak. So, so weak. The pathetic thing is, IF another chance ever stumbles along, I'll probably do the same thing. I am laughing at myself. For many, many years, I thought: "If only these people listened to me and took me seriously!" But maybe I never wanted to be heard. Maybe I just enjoy the suffering. I think I probably deserve the torment. All of it. I have no right to understanding or forgiveness. I feel so tainted and degraded and violated and worthless. The words are too crude, too vulgar. Oh, let everything be untrue. Let the memories dissipate with time, like dew that evaporates in the warm sunshine. I wish I could forget everything and have nothing to tell.

[notablackbarbie]

oh my... i am so sorry that happened this is why such abuse against the young is wrong - just messes so much up again im sorry i think there will be other times to let it out for some type of resolution

[Sannah]

Hello Who, shame on those in your past who didn't believe or help you. How wonderful that this person believed you and responded appropriately. It is quite normal, however, for you to have reacted the way that you did. Denial feels much better after all of this time. Acceptance IS painful. This is one of the major roadblocks in therapy for many people. It is easier in the short run to deny but in the long run and for healing and getting better acceptance is the way to go.

Do you have a therapist?

Memories do not dissapate. These events need to be processed in therapy and your feelings about them need to come out in therapy and then you will be able to let them go.

Please continue to keep us posted.

[whoswho]

Yes, Sannah, I have a therapist and am currently on numerous psychotropic drugs to make me "sane." I'm trying to do the right things. But the effectiveness of the medications and therapy seems to be indeterminate. All I have is a long, long list of things that *don't* work. So, I have reached the conclusion that I am just as bad as--if not worse than--my so-called "abuser." One might think that I would welcome a rebuttal of such a belief, but I cling to it. Mercy is such a strange concept to me. And I can't seem to forgive, not only my brother, but also myself for being (as I view myself) a sin against nature. I don't know if this denial or what it is. All I know is that I waited close to a decade for someone to believe me, and once I found that person, I turned on them. It doesn't even make sense. Maybe I'm too far gone. Maybe I'm beyond help.

[invisigirl]

You are not beyond help. You are not too far gone. And you are so VERY worth helping. Truly.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by whoswho

All I have is a long, long list of things that *don't* work.

Can you start to work with your therapist on this list of things that aren't working? This is how I got better through therapy. Each week I would share with my therapist the issues that weren't working for me at that time. I learned what to do about them and they got better and I kept working on my list and guess what? This is how I got better.

Please consider this? Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

Childhood is for learning how to live in a functioning way. If you are unlucky enough to have had a dysfunctional upbringing it will affect what you had the chance to learn and develop. It is never too late to catch up. Please take the time now to learn and develop.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Can you start to work with your therapist on this list of things that aren't working? This is how I got better through therapy. Each week I would share with my therapist the issues that weren't working for me at that time. I learned what to do about them and they got better and I kept working on my list and guess what? This is how I got better.

But that's the thing: no one will listen to me anyway.

If I've learned anything from life, it is that my instincts, ideas, memories, values, and opinions are always wrong. When I say, "doctor, this isn't working" I will be given a very convincing argument that everything WILL work if only I'd let it. When I tell my therapist, "you know, I don't think this method is working" they will proceed tell me that it WOULD work if only I'd be more proactive. So, clearly, I'm a hindrance to my own improvement. If only I wasn't myself, I'd stop being such a basket case and actually improve.

It seems like the only thing people will believe are the disfigured scars and self mutilation... and that only serves to show just how crazy and unbelievable I really am...

I'm sorry, I'm only prattling on and consuming the last dregs of self-pity. Thank you all, though, for your kind words...

[Sannah]

How about talking about your issues that you want to work on instead of commenting that therapy isn't working?

[Bill3]

When I tell my therapist, "you know, I don't think this method is working" they will proceed tell me that it WOULD work if only I'd be more proactive. So, clearly, I'm a hindrance to my own improvement.

Maybe a therapist who makes such a comment, who blames the client when progress is slow, is actually the hindrance at that particular moment.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How about talking about your issues that you want to work on instead of commenting that therapy isn't working?

Yes, this is something I know I need to do. But my T and I are having some incompatibility issues. She presses me to do things and I'm too much of a wimp to refuse, even though it makes me uncomfortable. I'm also too afraid to bring up things with her... I've just become incredibly frustrated with the ineffectiveness of therapy in general... I know a lot of it is my fault, but I've never felt comfortable enough with a T to make any real progress... They just kind of push me around.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Maybe a therapist who makes such a comment, who blames the client when progress is slow, is actually the hindrance at that particular moment.

It's easier to blame myself. I figure that the therapists know what they're doing and I'm just non-responsive...

[googley]

(((((((Whoswho)))))))

I'm sorry that people didn't believe you. That is an awful thing. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by whoswho

But my T and I are having some incompatibility issues. She presses me to do things and I'm too much of a wimp to refuse, even though it makes me uncomfortable. I'm also too afraid to bring up things with her... I've just become incredibly frustrated with the ineffectiveness of therapy in general... I know a lot of it is my fault, but I've never felt comfortable enough with a T to make any real progress... They just kind of push me around. It's easier to blame myself. I figure that the therapists know what they're doing and I'm just non-responsive...

Now is a good opportunity to work on these things in therapy. I had to work on standing up for myself. Yeah, it is difficult to progress in therapy if you won't tell your T anything. You can work past these things, however. So these are the issues that you have mentioned here, 1) you can get pushed around easily, 2) you are fearful of bringing up anything with your therapist, and 3) you don't feel comfortable with your
T.

Your therapist can't know this stuff unless you tell her and if you tell her, she can help you to work on it.