[SUNNY2009]

OK well this is something I have been working on, but have not mastered. I have been trying to not spend the holidays with my family. However, I once again hosted thanksgiving at my home. I tried to say no, but when there was no other person stepping up to do it, I caved in.
It was the worst for me. Although my parents brought the turkey and other things, I was worked up with anxiety. Cleaning and preparing. But wanting to disappear. Taking breaks in my bedroom on the computer, talking to friends.
We all sat for dinner together, but I felt like a stranger in my own home. I had invited the tenant downstairs to dinner because I knew they had no plans...but in the end this decision made me more miserable. I dont like him either.
Although I was glad the family could spend a holiday together, it was tense. I think we could all feel it. Now that everybody knows the secret (all but 1 brother).
I did not enjoy it. Not one bit. I just felt worked up. This is a familiar feeling...was like this as a kid too. Clean the house get ready, put on a pretty face, a pretty outfit, be presentable!!
This upcoming christmas, I want to go away. I want to take a ride with my son and do our own thing. I have been saying it for years and now the time is here where I can feel the push from inside. I do not like being around my family. I love them but I do not want to spend the holidays with them. It is torture...it is misery inside.
I just dont know how to say NO....and I really need to work on this. I dont think I can deal with another holiday making believe.

[madisgram]

sunny i could really relate to your feelings re family. of course it's ok for you all to go somewhere else! when family starts to pressure you, prob will, just say you have made plans and are going on a trip. the important thing is to not cave in. clearly your heart says no to being around them when you're so uncomfortable. it may be more difficult this first time but you have complete right to go elsewhere. their pressuring you is co-dependent behavior. like a rule that everyone has to be in the same place for a holiday or the roof will cave in!
i can't tell you how liberating it was for me to break away from family holidays. one year i just stayed home and i thoroughly enjoyed myself, visited with friends, etc.
you go girl!!!!

[Sannah]

So what was going on in your heart and head that made you cave?

[SUNNY2009]

thank you madisgram Sannah you always respond to me and I so appreciate you. I was thinking about your question. I guess I just feel like someones got to do it. I feel like we are supposed to be with our family for the holiday. I feel like I am responsible for my parents happiness. I feel like they are children in a sense. like they do not know how to get their house ready (mom is a horder not with trach bt papers and everything else).
I guess I felt responsible for doing this ...as I have in the past. But this time around I really didnt enjoy it at all....actually I never fully enjoy it I am always jeeped up and stressed out. I dont like to be around them that much. Maybe because they are in my space. I dont know.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SUNNY2009

I guess I just feel like someones got to do it.

I feel like we are supposed to be with our family for the holiday.

I feel like I am responsible for my parents happiness.

I feel like they are children in a sense. like they do not know how to get their house ready (mom is a horder not with trach bt papers and everything else).

I guess I felt responsible for doing this ...as I have in the past.

Then this is what you are going to have to deal with ^ next time everyone (including you!) expect you to host the family. Do you have any ideas on how you are going to deal with these reasons in your head?

[happyathome]

I can relate to this post on so many levels.My mother invited herself for Thanksgiving this year.I had a terrible weekend, between her and my husband.I decided that this Christmas, I am staying home, for a peaceful day alone.
My mother has a domineering and controlling personality.I think she is getting worse as she gets older. She treats me like a child, but for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like one.If anything, I am just feeling really angry today.I thought that this time would be different, but know that I have to accept the way she is if I want to keep her in my life.I just know that I will never put myself through that again.The next time, I am "just saying no."

[shezbut]

(((sunny2009)))

Well, that is a tough situation. I struggle with holidays and birthdays every year. So, I'm no expert either.

I do have a couple of tips that may be helpful to you.

1.) You don't have to have the whole family present on holidays. Invite whomever you truly feel comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with anyone in your family, maybe you should stay away for a little while, until you do re-gain emotional strength.
2.) You could attend holiday parties ~ acknowledging, in advance, that it won't be easy, but that you CAN handle it.
3.) Set a timer to stay an hour or two (whatever) you think that you could make it through.
4.) Keep talk topics very light and totally unrelated to family or the past to make it through the time.

The techniques listed above do help me through holidays and birthdays. I entirely skipped Thanksgiving, as that's the toughest holiday for me. Spending the time alone, with my boyfriend was completely new, and a positive experience. I don't always have to spend every holiday with my family for the rest of my life. That is my decision to make. And I deal with whatever sore feelings (or whatever) that may pop up as result. It worked out really well!!!

Best wishes to you sunny!