[invisigirl]

today is my oldest brother's birthday. i can't say that i am really wanting to call him and wish him a happy birthday, it's more the idea that i can't that bothers me.

i know my family would be just tickled if i would call him up and apologize to him for accusing him of molesting me when i was a kid and wish him a happy birthday and make amends and all that... but i can't. i just CAN'T.

my little secret has turned into the big elephant in the room. only most of my family truly pretends it is not there. i talked to my dad on thanksgiving (after he had to call me back because he was on the other line with my brother) and he again talked about trying to get my brother and his family to come out for a visit and getting everyone together.

it's like a slap in the face.

yes, i told them that i was done discussing 'it' with them and that i was not going to talk about 'it'. but that doesn't mean that i'm saying it didn't happen and it doesn't mean i can ignore what happened between us all. and i know that my brother has no interest in having contact with me either. so i'm not real sure what planet my parents are living on now...

i feel like such an outcast. i feel very alone and lost. i hate having to maintain a relationship with most of my family with this big THING between us.

how nice for them that they can just ignore it...

[Sannah]

Invisi, that sounds so hard. I learned that families where sibling sexual abuse occurs are dysfunctional in certain ways and this is why the abuse occurs, so your family was already set up before the abuse even happened. It totally follows that they are acting the way they are now with all of this.

Like most of us, we at one time wished for a better family. I remember when I stopped this and moved on to improve my life where it really COULD be improved and this did make all the difference. Of course there is a mourning period of grieving over what never was........

[invisigirl]

Yes. There was always disfunction.

Growing up, with my other brother being as violent as he was, we easily fell into a habit of lying and covering up what it was 'really like' at our house. It was mostly just my close friends that knew.

So, in a way, my parents have no trouble just turning a blind eye to it and acting oblivious. It's what we've always done. My brother kicked my mom in the face and gave her a nasty black eye when he was 10... I can't remember what lie they made up for that one, but I know they never told anyone that he did it. That was just the way it was.

So now? I think they were certainly relieved to hear me say 'I do not want to discuss this with you any more. I am not talking about it, the end.' As far as they are concerned... 'Sexual abuse? What sexual abuse???'

[Sannah]

One thing that I did was I created my own family. My birth family is beyond repair but I can make other areas of my life fantastic.

[invisigirl]

Yes... I've been trying, slowly, to work on that too... but since my husband's affair a few years ago, it has been VERY hard for me to have any desire to trust or be close to ANYONE.

[Sannah]

I can see how that would happen but don't let it stop you from continuing to improve your life.

[yellowted]

invisigirl, I too was abused by a sibling (and stepfather for 10 years) my family was certainly disfunctional, my mom convinced herself it didn't happen and still believes so even though i told her many times, After years of trying to pretend everything was ok in the family i couldn't do it anymore, i needed to start living the truth, i had already moved away, so broke ties with my family altogether,(ok it was extremely hard, the guilt of hurting mom,the hassle i got every xmas to visit them etc, but i had to do it, to give me room to be honest,to let the 'little girl' in me be believed, for her to be told the guilt, anger and disgust she was feeling were ok, to realise it was them who were wrong not me, to realise i was not to blame and what had happened as a child could no longer rule me) I too found it extremely impossible to trust anyone to get close, i resigned myself to a life on my own, that is when it happened, my perfect man entered my life, ok i really did not trust him at first but he was persistant, took one tiny step at a time, understanding and never pushed me to do or say anything i did not want to do.
one day long after you stop trying to trust people and just concentrate on protecting yourself, you will suddenly realise there is a person who you really like spending time with and who really likes you for being you, that is the time you will be ready to begin to
trust again, until such time just remember you are never alone, there are always friends here on this site to listen, help or talk to xx

remember you can't choose your family but you can choose if they rule you!

[invisigirl]

thank you.

I do see potential benefit in cutting ties with my family. but my kids have a well-established relationship with my parents and I don't want them to have to throw that away because of my selfishness. so, for now at least, I'm going to maintain minimal contact. basically a superficial relationship for my kids' sake. my oldest brother and I have not spoken in 4 years. my other brother only talks to me if we happen to be in the same room. so, whatever.

as for trusting people.. I don't see any benefit in that anymore. I worked very hard to reach a point where I full trusted my husband and really believed he loved me for who I was and accepted me and I felt safe with him and blah blah blah... and he decided to throw it all away for some stupid fling with an ex from high school.

and now, I'm stuck with just accepting that and moving on. I don't really want to trust him again. I can't take another heartbreak like that. what I'd really like is to just be ALONE. but there's no way for that to happen.

[Sannah]

Allowing contact for your children's sake is a good idea. Are they fairly decent grandparents?

I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel. There are people who can be trusted, however.

[invisigirl]

They are very good grandparents... most of the time. If it were not for that, I would not make the effort.

my kids are constantly telling their friends, my g-ma is nuts, but we love her.
same thing, lousy mom, great g-ma.... i put major limits on her when they were little to protect them and she never abused them.
I told her "if you hurt my children, I will go to prison" she understood that..... and i would have too.

[invisigirl]

yeah, I had to set limits early as well. it was not long before we became a completely non-spanking family and once when my oldest was 3, my dad smacked him for something. I told him that in no uncertain terms, there would be no smacking my kids. they have been very respectful of that since then.. and, aside from a few inappropriate comments now that the kids are getting toward their teens, they have been wonderful grandparents.