Wanting it to end

Can't sleep, all the time I am always up. I am afraid to go to bed I have nightmares and nothing helps I always end up crying myself to sleep or going to bed when it's daylight outside. I can't seem to get past my childhood sexual abuse I feel alone I feel depressed all the time. I try so hard to be happy and bubble for my friends and family, but I always have flashbacks constantly. Like I was recently out with my friend and we were standing in line and I started to scream I don't know if my mind went somewhere else or what can't remember but she was freaked out and so was I I was embarrassed and I am so upset with myself ugh I want to scream and yell and every problem that i have stems from this My cutting, Eating disorder ugh its exhausting like I am 21 and the last time anything happened I was almost 17 yrs old. I shld be over this, but I still continue to relive it everyday every night. I dnt want to do this anymore

Do you think that you are having nightmares and flashbacks because you are discussing your abuse in therapy?

The only way that you are going to get past your abuse history is by working through it and this is what you are doing. It is a gradual process.

Perhaps but I've always had this problem even before seeing a T I dnt whats wrong with me i dnt know anything anymore n yes we are discussing it but its difficult to and it takes me forever and just bringing it up well my T does I dnt. Perhaps i shld just bury it and not discuss the traumas i dnt know Im slightly depressed about this

The only way out is through. Does your T know how you are struggling with this now?

yes and she tells me take my time and its no rush but honestly i dnt feel like doing it anymore she said it will help me grow and have closure but its just difficult is all i dnt see how reliving/discussing my trauma helps i just don't

Probably because while you are doing it, it sucks. The payoff comes later. It really is the only way to leave it behind.

You know, when a child is growing up they need to be able to process events that happen to them and if they don't get to do this, they store it. These events and memories don't go anywhere. Feelings need to be processed. This is what makes our bodies function correctly. You have emotions, they need to be processed. What you are doing in therapy is this exactly but you are doing it with stored feelings.

OMG u said the same thing she said you both are right its like i refuse to go there or anything talk about it i would change the subject or tell her nxt time and for awhile she was letting me push it off but now its like ok your avoiding it has to be discussed now sighs i suppose i hate this

Don't blame you for hating it or wanting to avoid it.

I feel Like crying my heart out right now.. It's as if someone is telling my own story in their words..

The same has happened to me..

And i know and understand how u feel..

I know no matter how much you try to forget every thing flashes back like it was yesterday..
I have suffered from a lot of things in my life..
You want it to end, you want the scary feeling to leave your side..
But it follows you..
You know what you should do.. you should take a deep breath when such a feeling comes across.. and while going to bed you can also leave a low light on.. Or listen to sounds of waves or may be music.. That will help you relax..
Take a chill..
I hope you get over it..
I have gotten over most of it..
And now have other issues.. well any ways i hope you recover from this fear..
I hope i have been of some help to you..
tkcr..

oh boy do i understand this one...

I just wanted to say that it's taken me up to three years to start actually talking about these subjects with my t.....There is so much that comes up before it that was just as important, but even today as the memories come forward and the nightmares happen, I too feel like why? Why relieve it...Well whether or not I relive it with T or not it's still there cuz it's causing me issues, and nightmares and daily triggers and symptoms. So at least dealing with it slowly with T, she can help me slowly use skills to help me adjust in time with how to process and make me feel safe, or so that's what I hope will be the end result........I just wanted you to know that I hear you I understand your pain, and your not alone...Hugs if safe

@ nicegirl i do sleep with a night lite always and play music or sometimes i forget to turn my tv off sighs its just alot @kalisha36 i dnt want the end results and yes i know its going to take me forever to even think about saying anything serious its hard and i hope i can do this

I meant to say I Dont Want to travel thru all the pain to get the end results will see a little frustrated